archive +4.8

Dick

We’re smoking by the bar

As bloody well you should (sweet heart) and I think considering the circumstances you should be wearing green

The polish guy really wants to have sex with me tonight. Please call me if you’re awake. I’m walking now. Please

Morning

I don’t want to have it without you

No fights or anything like that

I want to but I have these fucking essays. I have problems

What’s it all been for?

That’s the point. That’s the charm. Absolutely nothing. Nothing

I would say make me look good and delete when necessary

I would say you’re pretty damn cool, but I don’t know

Sitting in the library near her. You see I’m bored

I heard you got lucky

He is always a welcome guest

I don’t know why it started, but he smacked me in the face, then it just turned into a game

archive +4.7

He has got his son here until Monday so if you still don’t believe me now is the time

There are many reasons why I like you; you’re funny, don’t mind the piss taken, you’re different and weird, you’re up for late night wanders, you still give me butterflies and with something as small as a text you can give me a level of happiness I rarely feel. As long as you want me as part of your life, I’ll want you. I’m going for a swim

Subtly of course

A message that long is intrinsically flirtatious

It’s a mission to come up with an adequate response. It’s more intrigue than intimidation

I’ve been on another social tonight. Is that enough laughing fodder for you?

This would be a lot cheaper if I came over, but then we would run the risk of high jinx occurring

Well I try not to joke around, but I have been drinking so take from it what you like. My door isn’t open but its always unlocked. However you would find me sprawled naked across my bed

Crossbones

They are still in the taste the difference range at Sainsbury’s if you’re middle class enough. Fortunately I am. They exist in my fridge right now

Oxford was how you say ‘tip top’? It’s fast becoming my favourite place outside Streatham. The word is jest, learn how to spell

You must come to Nissan 15 minutes earlier. Trust me. You must

Lock up your perishables

Turn on radio 4-shipping forecast

archive +4.6

Navy blue shit. Blue tie. White shirt. Medium size glasses. Slight facial tick as he looked at the pavement. Red bandana. White marijuana leaves. Is he the one?

A photo of my Portuguese lover found on your wall. I’m back

Sorry I didn’t call, I was pouring drinks for rich Russian women

I don’t own one. I gave my ipod a funeral

What a fucker

Batty

Yes but the whites of my eyes are the colour of my red jumper. Potato

I hope with all my heart that was sincere

Oh, you’re just saying that

Wont that cost a bomb off my mobile

I just set off the fire alarm off. Everybody hates me. I want to die

Don’t you dare think I didn’t see you leave

Probably you’re both hiding for the same reason. Stop it

I thought it only happened in films-caught in the fucking monsoon today a white van drove past me and swept a puddle the size of a lake Windermere all over me. Sadly no one cool was around to see me and it would have made a very good anecdote. But you can’t have everything

Cocaine weed beer wine cigarettes music. Got heaven got hell

As did I


I cannot wait until I’m better and can be interested and laugh and be ‘fun’. I always knew you were lame from the first moment I saw you, I saw in you something of myself and said ‘I like your watch’.

Maybe people think you’re rude because you go to obnoxford

The twin towers were completed in 1876. The original budget was $350 million. The project was completed for $1billion

No one

Exactly

You must think I’m a proper dickhead or really dislike me then, I didn’t realise

I was in a hotel in Newcastle and I couldn’t sleep from worry. Horrid

I’m going on a date with a fatty boom. I wish you could come

Yes. I want to pooh with dread

We’re going to a barn dance. And because I cant keep saying no. He says he wants to see me before he gets sent abroad. Something to do with a proposal

Are you better? Why did it come on? Was it a panic attack, my mum gets those. My concerns were of beauty and my lack of it in my songs. Silly silly things. I Miss you very much

archive +4.5

Yeah, it was whiskey until dawn

Who’s on it?

We have no idea where the car is

Looks like we’re all getting lost then. We had to get a cab to the car

The reason I feel permanently nervous is because you were soon leaving and now you’re gone. I just remembered

Please ignore me forever

She needs her bike

The best sentence in that book is my co author’s, Flaubert’s ‘ je doute de tout, meme mon doute’

Sudden panic. Have you gone back? I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye or ask about him. Obviously I whispered that last part

I’m by the Cowley roundabout turning into myself

Her display photo is enough to make me wet

You’ve been sighted in oxford in a boy racer car

I’m sitting on a train listening to an overweight, middle aged man talk about special k and how eating after 7 is just murder

archive +4.4

As soon as possible. Choose a week. Write down everything you eat. At the end of the week mum will ring and ask what you think about food. Do you have thinspiraton? Motives for eating what you do? Guilt? The only thing is, you have to change your age

Younger

My friend just rang to tell me my friends dad is back on crack. I saw your friends last night


Do you have insomnia or something or just trying to cure yourself of the need to sleep? He’s had a pretty fucked up life his mum is dying as well

At home, just finished watching ‘labyrinth’ starring David Bowie. Wearing a sombrero. Drinking water, that kind of activity

Un bonne vivant nest pas?

I’m not wearing my sombrero anymore. I’m reading Alan Bennet

They wouldn’t let me and my friends into your place. You and your fucking clubs are so pretentious

Can you come off your high horse for five seconds?

Look to the stamp’s queen’s head, they’re going to cut it off

Camberwell castle. How convenient

Nearly there you weirdo

Are you ok?

All the best then

We are watching doctors, eating ginger snaps.

Sorry was I too forward. Have I blown it?

archive +4.3

Coming into London passing the Brixton recreation centre. Reminds me of you

Don’t be obscene.

Bloody hell just slept for 14 hours so am a little slow

Do I smell?

I’m being serious why the cold shoulder

Just lets meet

I’m in a gambling house. Text me if you want to come

I thought you were pretty joke but I don’t think you should make a habit of hanging round dirty old men. I hear you’ve got a hangover

You were pretty and joke and now you’re just pretty

I believe I’m seeing you

You’re shithouse rhyming isn’t worth anything

We’ve decided to have a housewarming next week. You will be the guest of honour as funniest girl in the world

Please stop worrying about everything

Fine

You seem to have a lot of bad and weird days. I’m not in a bad mood at all

archive +4.2

Being a curator is not as glamorous as expected. Sweeping a floor in a suit while tourists peer through the plate glass wall

I wrote a massive message with everything in it then deleted it

Are you all right?

Yes call

Ring


Gorgeous

Don’t say sorry

I’m looking at the picture you did for me. I love it

Asleep

Stop saying thank you it’s making me very uncomfortable

You could fill the blank in my diary if you’re not avoiding me as well. By the way you’re so fucking cool I cant get back to sleep

Call me when you’re up. Lets do something today. I’m in Camberwell

Thanks for sending your details-a member of the itv team will be in touch with you soon

Are you still not seeing people and things?

Love me if you dare

archive +4.1

I though you had been hiding in London. Refusing to see me.

Where are you now in this world?

I just listened to your voicemail and am so depressed

It’s not cool to call yourself cool

I want to feel good about myself but just ate four cookies and that girl has a nicer body than me with longer hair and a tan and pedicure. I want someone to fancy me at my worst again

Suck it babes

Gosh what a long drive

Well once you’ve cleaned out your mouth and picked out the hairs, try calling

How is that party?

Is it free?

Is it upstairs?

I showed you love and all I got was a couple of smart comments and the piss taken. Thanks. Still, you were the one who broke the door during the speeches

Acquaintances perhaps

archive +4.0

I had a dream about you last night. I was telling you how beautiful you were but your mouth was stretched from your chin to your eye. Sexy. I wish I knew what it meant.

I think I may become a mute

honestly don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?

He left his jacket in my car and I snooped around the pockets and found five condoms. Not one, but five disgusting red packets. What is that? Stop laughing I can juts hear you

Eat a child or your own faeces

I was just about to ask you to text me. I’m in dire straights of boredom. Editing her address book. Everyone is called Pandora or Hercules or Merry or Peregrin and all live in manor houses in the Cotswolds. Drinking on your own is almost sad. You should have absinthe and champagne instead. Its called death in the afternoon

I must admit that despite myself I am looking forward to it

I’ve been here forever. Looking and waiting for you. I work full time now. Please tell me. Are you home?

I envy you. All that comes out is embarrassment or misery on the few occasions I speak. Children should be seen not heard

archive +4.0

I had a dream about you last night. I was telling you how beautiful you were but your mouth was stretched from your chin to your eye. Sexy. I wish I knew what it meant.

I think I may become a mute

honestly don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?

He left his jacket in my car and I snooped around the pockets and found five condoms. Not one, but five disgusting red packets. What is that? Stop laughing I can juts hear you

Eat a child or your own faeces

I was just about to ask you to text me. I’m in dire straights of boredom. Editing her address book. Everyone is called Pandora or Hercules or Merry or Peregrin and all live in manor houses in the Cotswolds. Drinking on your own is almost sad. You should have absinthe and champagne instead. Its called death in the afternoon

I must admit that despite myself I am looking forward to it

I’ve been here forever. Looking and waiting for you. I work full time now. Please tell me. Are you home?

I envy you. All that comes out is embarrassment or misery on the few occasions I speak. Children should be seen not heard

archive +3.9

You lost your phone?

You are mental. You will be fine. I will go to church and light a candle and pray for your safe return

My favourite of your texts. When people read it they’re like oh why do you keep all the messages from her and I’m like because I dig them when really its because I dig you and I just cant wait to see you its like boy its like all that I think about

He cried in my arms and then we kissed and drank beer kissed played music kissed the entire afternoon just me and him

Soap and graft will get that out

I got asked why I was smiling to myself today because I was laughing about you saying something about his little phutniked body. You said it so angrily and your little cheeks were all red

What’s fun about a supermarket?

He sleeps with a mattock in his bed

You sleep

Favourite foetus

So. I expect to get what I give. Reply stupid

Luton. I wish I could spend one more penniless day on the beach with you and see you slowly turn more North African

You’re lucky it says pending

archive +3.8

I just got them. Read them out to shame you.

Terra cotta still rockin’?

If your asthma is bad ask her to be sent to Lisbon

Here is something that will cheer you up then: my friend fancies you. He asked to be your friend on myspace

Basically one night we met a lesbian in a suit and an offensively plunging neckline and she was being pimped by some gross skinny Italian man who you could just tell was a child molester. Apparently I spent a good half of the night grinding with her

I will borrow some money. Such a nice day. We found some bones. He came over with his beautiful smile. No kisses yet

What happened that led to your hospital fun?

They kissed four times on Saturday

How would you describe my hands?

So yeah how are you because I really miss you and can’t wait until we are together because I want to breathe with you and stuff like that

Sunday. Find a beach. We are leaving for the site tonight. I have your boots. And Jackie Collins

archive +3.7

I was faintly hoping you would be my date. Maybe one day. I’m jealous of your adventure. I will be living with a Tongan family in a few days

I’m the only one left fucked and on crazy pills. It is too great

Your hair looked fine

Lightning strikes accursed Lemington spa. My train is cancelled

Yeah girlfriend

Sadly it’s not working. And it had such a nice accompanying message. Never mind

I was just thinking about you, and when you ate candle wax.
You up?

I just wanted to wish you the fondest of goodbyes

I hate goodbyes. I’m now going for a shower. Consider keeping it textual

archive +3.6

Just checking you were keen

I will buy you one as a pet

I had three boiled eggs for breakfast and I’m really happy about it

Ryde

I have been researching. Ortolans are related to garden warblers, as the derivation from hortulanus would suggest

Up up and away

Oh right. Then I’m quite envious of your midnight meanderings

I think I will take your recommendation and go for a wander

It’s cold and raining in this country. Please bring some sunshine

I didn’t realise you were leaving

archive +3.5

No response, no goodbye. Maybe I’m old fashioned but I think it’s harsh. I wasn’t purposefully causing a rift, but like you there are things that worry and upset me that seem too irrational to others. Now this will go unresolved probably forever and all I ever wanted was some indication that you cared, which you don’t seem to. It’s so sad to lose a friend just because he cared enough to get upset and angry over not seeing you. Anyway, I promise this message hasn’t been sent with any other agenda

I was actually asked what a-levels I had taken this evening. I couldn’t but laugh

And there is nothing you can do about it

He’s my friend now and we are ticking away nicely without you. There will be more watches

I just remembered I dreamt about you all last night and we had a huge fight and it really upset me. Also that boy text me

I sell shoes. For a living. At size. Oh god

Fresh kicks and heavy threads all round

I really really want to hear the whole story

Don’t worry. I would probably forgive you the theft of my first-born

Mobiles and books allowed

Boarding, no Muslims

I’m at the bus station. By myself. Taking a bus to a strange town. And everyone is starring at me

archive +3.4

I’m fully aware of every failing in me you’ve just listed but I've never sought the upper hand. I readily accept my shortcomings and I do always give my friends priority over my ego, despite what you think. Before you send me another patronising message remember all I wanted was to see you and whilst as you say I've sometimes in the past ignored you it was in jest and whenever I felt there was something truly upsetting you, I would give my utmost to relieve it. Never ignore or neglect

Some bits and pieces, but I’m sure I could squeeze into you

Sorry baby

He is here honey. But I haven’t spoken to him. He looks normal call if possible you’re always off

Call ASAP

Stay calm. Nothing disturb thee, nothing dismay, all things pass, god never changes

freddo, frais

At a party in Camberwell

I’m enjoying texting you

No. So good. How does it feel?

When

One about drugs that starts after 8

Sources confirm your new head is steaming

Sounds horrendous. See you then

archive +3.3

Speechless

My god

Steel everything you find. fight the power

You may have been living primitively but I have devolved, slapping her at the dinner table because she insisted Hitler was an evil twisted man

You in glamorous Reading yet?

What’s the name of your rabbit? Debate going on about toys

I’m cancelling my contract and won’t have e-mail access. Ill let you know if I get a special Tongan wind up computer

Got a good grip of trowerls? Planning only needs to be good enough for government work. I bought a bivy bag on e bay so I can sleep under the stars on cliffs in Cornwall

People people always people in your pictures. I wonder if its because you’re from the city of London

22nd of ague

Are you bored of digging? I almost bought you a neon orange-fringed ‘product of Greece’

She is the bain of our lives. I’m on my way to manumission, I bet she hasn’t done that this summer. What’s she saying to him?

Absolutely. I’ve got a strap on cock

I’m taking your handsome brother to the seaside on Sunday and I’m going to scare him shitless at 110mph

So, you will cuddle a dangerously hot piece of plumbing but not me.

I wonder if we have had 20minutes of peace since we met

I was in hackney whilst you were in hackney witnessing a coke binge

I’m a bit bored and apparently I don’t have many friends so I’m watching a musical called sweet charity. People keep saying I’m being weird too but I don’t believe them

I think I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for being so ugly to you since Christmas

Saw your brother the other night and he told me you weren’t too keen on the portiloos

Sounds like myspace chat. You should have know space

archive +3.2

You seem totally indifferent to my offers and interests so I’ll leave you be. Have a good summer whatever you’re doing, wherever you go

Just say goodbye and I will see you next year

Because I’m hurt. Because when I invite you out you respond with flippant crap and because the week of, what I thought was your departure, has passed silently

You probably think I’m a wining, self pitying idiot. I’m working late again today

You know I can’t feed myself

Lock me off. Supper friendly

Call, cunt

I’m so fucking bored I want to cry

Oh god

He can be annoying. I’m in Victoria having a coffee, getting stalked by polish drug dealers

No. I’m asking you questions and now only have 27p credit

archive +3.1

Just too predictable

I have recently diagnosed myself pregnosexual. I exclusively have intercourse with pregnant men and women

Pregnant not fat. No fatties. Fatties fuck off. Fuck off fatties

Please erase the ‘shit’ from the previous comment. That was unnecessary swearing

I murdered someone in saint Tropez hey hey hey

So I’m pretty in the black cap. Wow, these legs

Well, not quite I am at my bus stop trying to force myself out. It’s raining a lot

I have a splitting headache and I stink of foreigners. Oh god I just remembered that man on pills

Is it too late for me to ring your house?

It wasn’t you I wanted to speak to you

archive +3.0

2am.come down because you didn’t come down last night. Fat Sam will be there

The young and lost

The boat doesn’t leave the mooring but I might not stay late because the Ludes are playing and I’m still avoiding certain peoples.

This is a whim

Don’t do drugs, do charity work, do exercise. Do help old people across the roads, do become the leader of a local scout group, do start a neighbourhood watch campaign, do get involved in Sunday school, do be a face in a local watering hole. The bar man knows your tipel-shandy for andy, only one as you head home early to write for your local newspaper about the environment. Do change your name to Andy, carefully pull the two layers of toilet roll apart so that you double the length of each roll. Budget precisely. Everybody has to be versatile

Is it voyeurism to read other peoples texts?

They were to you. This is a whim and the last one was. The long one to him was to him. But. it was whim that I sent it to you. I thought it was a good text. And. I know you appreciate good texts. And voyerism. I’m not sure I like these short sharp sentences with full stops. It reminds me of a serial killer. You’re a serial thriller

Dying and cycling in the middle of nowhere

I’m having a drink with her having been banned from my house. Join if you want

Under the blue man group in Drury lane. come come, I want to hear about him from last night

I think you wanted my dads number. Do you mind me asking who this is?

I got some real estate here in my hand. So I bought a pack of cigarettes