archive +5.8

Of course I knew he wasn’t coming

Will you eat first?

I actually don’t mind where

‘Please don’t run away from me otherwise people will think I’m a monster’ is apparently what I screamed, then I was described to have appeared like an escaped rapist

Promise please

You never came back

Soldiers sounds more fun than murder

Yes, I did think you were coming back

There is still hope. Please. Ill beg if I have to

I really want to show off my thumbs

Don’t smoke crack

Oh.my.god.i.am.so.bad. You should have heard his lines though

I’ve been shuffling around muttering to myself for four hours, my temperature reached a peak of 39. My favourite thing was to say that I was talking to myself over and over trailing off, sitting down, closing my eyes, repositioning the hot water bottle to leave one limb aching, then croak whatever feverish though floated in.

Then I cough really hard sometimes a little bit of wee seeps out into my ill duvet smelling boxers. My dressing gown rubs clean the yellow piss on the edge of the toilet and I groan and hum ride of the valkarys to make this feel grand

archive +5.7

Don’t ignore me

I don’t mind. I’ve just got in though and hackney is the best area so…old St, Columbia road, Bethnal green?

I’m in the cinema. I got told off last time

Merry Christmas. I’m dressing up as a winged sheep. My glance is tender, my snout is just right, and my wings my dear, my wings sparkle and are purple. I do wish you were arriving tomorrow

Merry Christmas. Sorry I couldn’t make it under the tree, but you can unwrap me some other time

Too many pine needles

I’m about to get on the plane

For bizarre activity we are having a glass of wine in the Fentiman but we'll have to go soon because political discussion at next table between expats will inspire violence

Putney’s a little out of my range

No I’m going to wait and see what unfolds with the dog

A thousand times yes

There was a young man from Kent

Call if you need the inhaler

He put it in double

God I embarrassed myself last night. I trashed a room with no trousers on and pulled a Virgin Mary quite violently against the wall. My mother had to put me to bed

archive +5.6

I have a massive bruise on my back from trying to build a pyramid last night. I decorated the tree the other day and went for a full tinsel wrap. I hate minimalist decoration

I would like a ritzy reunion soon

Actually that last message was a little keen. I actually meant yeah, maybe next year, whatever

Mind the cats

I have thought of you so many times this holiday. Please remind me to tell you the stories

Don’t worry, I know phones are scary. I’m now walking another dog waiting to hear if I can take the one I want. If I get it its called the dude

If I get him I will take him to my dads cottage at the sea for a holiday

No dog. Its got to be reassessed. I got a free sandwich so I can go home and play with that instead

I’m at Bethnal green. There is a tramp on hands free. This area is really up and coming

What happens in Brixton? I’m shaving my beard as we speak

You smoke heroin? Now I understand

What do you mean? That’s what you said

Fuck you. I don’t want to come to your Christmas drinks

archive +5.5

I cant see you there it is too depressing

I knew you wouldn’t understand

Your turn

I miss my friends, the sunshine, my job, my truck and my swimming. Everything really. Positive mental thinking hey

Cock. I hate them both. Cocks

Yes please. I’m wearing the worst shoes

I don’t give a hoot. Somewhere between north and south

We are going to kick your arse

How is preparation for Christmas? I bet you just love this season

Are you seeing him?

Sorry. That wasn’t meant for you

Call me ASAP

Come back

It’s a nice walk. Why don’t you try doing it backwards?

I just got your scary text. Are you ok?

I will pay for you all night. Drinks entrance. No pay back

I keep thinking about texting you. Not keep just have thought about texting you a couple of times but can’t think of anything entertaining to say

archive +5.4

Can I have the parker death and burial book?

I’m eating yours

I’m at Wadham looking at overwhelmingly nice legs

His room stinks

I haven’t been ignoring you on purpose. I speak to you whenever I see you, I let you pass out in my bed, I tell my friends to take you home and I never reply to your texts because they never make sense. I don’t want you to think there is a problem

Sorry for being testy. I’ve just spent five un necessary hours in the hospital waiting for my brother to be transferred

Opinions on the Nazis?

Id rather be an aunt than a Muslim

Id rather be a variation of cunt on predictive text

Cock?

It’s the transition from fast to slow. Like when you go past a lorry on the motorway and you go backwards for a bit, when you're so used to going forwards there is nothing now moving

This is the first message I have sent. It’s hard to use this phone

Her door keeps getting stuck and I have to escape through an Indian ladies flat. I’m dying for a cigarette but cant face the smell of curry any more. Still no reply from him. A bottle of wine just for me

There is a building being ripped down by a bulldozer. It looks like its made of paper

Write some poetry or come to Warwick

You are avoiding my question

Do you know where the stairways to heaven is?

Sorted handsome

Id do anything, for you dear anything.

You can come

Dear god a man just grabbed me and tried to get me into his car

Why the uncertainty?

You seem as disinterested in my messages as you were in my conversation

It was so wonderful seeing you yesterday. I’m happy you’re happy

Id rather be an anti racist than a Muslim

You got what you deserve

That depends on what exactly you quote, cunteyes

Ill tell you everything. Whenever you want

I guess I would open a bird sanctuary for chicks with broken hearts\

archive +5.3

Chilli and mayonnaise

Quote. He really likes her. Likes likes. Obviously

Dinner time

Thanks but I wont

I didn’t act very cool last night. I kept trying to hold his hand

Spoons

Jesus Christ. Bad for my nerves

I’m sitting in the quod. Ready

I just saw your man walking past the pub. Get him

Proactive

Id rather stay single and thin. You are amazing. Good texts anyway

Have you got oil and vinegar

I do not have rape films. You think the worst of people

3009

archive +5.2

Hate evolution. I’m going to our party

Fuck you

You make me want to say rude things

That was totally regrettable

Can you throw down your key?

If its not the middle aged ones launching themselves at you it’s the under age ones teasing me. Then there is the constant battle with reflective surfaces and complements.

What are you talking about?

Don’t you think its sick that although I was just told my Nan has been found dead, I still feel I need to do this work

How is the seducing?

I need to know who wrote the articles about the Italians

I can see you

I’m about to pull

I kissed him

Friends?

It’s still quite early

Something to do

Look at her e-mail. What a fucking creep. And the second one is inexplicable

archive +5.1

Mice of the east have slightly shorter tails than hedge mice which have slightly longer left ear lobes than earless donkeys

Lads. On tour

Would you be offended if I turned up at yours now?

I literally just had to run into my tutorial

Yes covered in drink stains

Its just dawned on me how disgusting it must have been to have me slop into your bed drunk as a fart

I just pissed in your loo and by accident on the floor. I cleaned my ears too

I love you too so does this mean you will suck my cock?

archive +5.0

Probably sees the stuff too often. Everyone likes a change

I’m sitting in a sea of students wearing baby pink and blue Warwick goodies. This is why I want to run. I’m wearing my Norwegian national costume

I know you think you’re enigmatic. But 5 words just wont cut it. Explain please, post-haste

Is it because of the jewfro. I completely understand

What is this? I finally manage to engage you in conversation and then nothing. My house is having a party. And fireworks. And fire. And chorizo and lentil soup. We didn’t invite anyone

I spent a lovely day with your brother which of course made me think of you. I understand what you think about what we’ve been made to do, I understand and see why you and I worry so much. There is a reason, I know, we feel so there must be. God sorry for the soppy message but I mean it. We’re searching for the beauty that will sadly never be but we have to look. I feel like an idiot trying to be so insightful but I truly mean it all. All my love my sweet --

What is the point of you?

No because it is ion oval where I cannot see it

Want a copy?

Gash mash, and vaginal cigarette ash rash. Ruby burn puss puss. Stone age rage full the wicker cage, blink, all is not it seems, twas only a wet dream

archive +4.9

I thought it was self-explanatory. Search it

Was it corporate whore drinks, ones with gentlemen or another breed?

I’m a concrete tourist flawless cordless deadpan stare through the drain cover glare blink the baby alligators. Baby alligators, in the sewers, grow up fast, they don’t last, they don’t last. The concrete tourist, bombs and cars, all frozen in mega pixels, cant remember the last time he saw seagulls

Well I don’t know how to feel because there is an air of discomfort. We need to sort that out first

That was my explanation. No more weirdness

I laughed loud. Sickness making my ankles shiver

It’s a bit like an addiction. But must stop, I've got the shakes. I didn’t like the way my life was heading

I’m coming up tomorrow. I’m going to look gangster, zoo York blazers and lumber jack shirt

Seriously?

Fuck it I got it

Are you available for fun?

Also those grapes fucked me up

I don’t know what any of that meant

What happened?

I was followed into a club toilet by a very young looking girl last week who went on to take a picture of my shlong/piece/samule Johnson without my knowledge and has posted such picture on the internet. I feel incredibly violated

You’re just annoyed because I’m so spontaneous

archive +4.8

Dick

We’re smoking by the bar

As bloody well you should (sweet heart) and I think considering the circumstances you should be wearing green

The polish guy really wants to have sex with me tonight. Please call me if you’re awake. I’m walking now. Please

Morning

I don’t want to have it without you

No fights or anything like that

I want to but I have these fucking essays. I have problems

What’s it all been for?

That’s the point. That’s the charm. Absolutely nothing. Nothing

I would say make me look good and delete when necessary

I would say you’re pretty damn cool, but I don’t know

Sitting in the library near her. You see I’m bored

I heard you got lucky

He is always a welcome guest

I don’t know why it started, but he smacked me in the face, then it just turned into a game

archive +4.7

He has got his son here until Monday so if you still don’t believe me now is the time

There are many reasons why I like you; you’re funny, don’t mind the piss taken, you’re different and weird, you’re up for late night wanders, you still give me butterflies and with something as small as a text you can give me a level of happiness I rarely feel. As long as you want me as part of your life, I’ll want you. I’m going for a swim

Subtly of course

A message that long is intrinsically flirtatious

It’s a mission to come up with an adequate response. It’s more intrigue than intimidation

I’ve been on another social tonight. Is that enough laughing fodder for you?

This would be a lot cheaper if I came over, but then we would run the risk of high jinx occurring

Well I try not to joke around, but I have been drinking so take from it what you like. My door isn’t open but its always unlocked. However you would find me sprawled naked across my bed

Crossbones

They are still in the taste the difference range at Sainsbury’s if you’re middle class enough. Fortunately I am. They exist in my fridge right now

Oxford was how you say ‘tip top’? It’s fast becoming my favourite place outside Streatham. The word is jest, learn how to spell

You must come to Nissan 15 minutes earlier. Trust me. You must

Lock up your perishables

Turn on radio 4-shipping forecast

archive +4.6

Navy blue shit. Blue tie. White shirt. Medium size glasses. Slight facial tick as he looked at the pavement. Red bandana. White marijuana leaves. Is he the one?

A photo of my Portuguese lover found on your wall. I’m back

Sorry I didn’t call, I was pouring drinks for rich Russian women

I don’t own one. I gave my ipod a funeral

What a fucker

Batty

Yes but the whites of my eyes are the colour of my red jumper. Potato

I hope with all my heart that was sincere

Oh, you’re just saying that

Wont that cost a bomb off my mobile

I just set off the fire alarm off. Everybody hates me. I want to die

Don’t you dare think I didn’t see you leave

Probably you’re both hiding for the same reason. Stop it

I thought it only happened in films-caught in the fucking monsoon today a white van drove past me and swept a puddle the size of a lake Windermere all over me. Sadly no one cool was around to see me and it would have made a very good anecdote. But you can’t have everything

Cocaine weed beer wine cigarettes music. Got heaven got hell

As did I


I cannot wait until I’m better and can be interested and laugh and be ‘fun’. I always knew you were lame from the first moment I saw you, I saw in you something of myself and said ‘I like your watch’.

Maybe people think you’re rude because you go to obnoxford

The twin towers were completed in 1876. The original budget was $350 million. The project was completed for $1billion

No one

Exactly

You must think I’m a proper dickhead or really dislike me then, I didn’t realise

I was in a hotel in Newcastle and I couldn’t sleep from worry. Horrid

I’m going on a date with a fatty boom. I wish you could come

Yes. I want to pooh with dread

We’re going to a barn dance. And because I cant keep saying no. He says he wants to see me before he gets sent abroad. Something to do with a proposal

Are you better? Why did it come on? Was it a panic attack, my mum gets those. My concerns were of beauty and my lack of it in my songs. Silly silly things. I Miss you very much

archive +4.5

Yeah, it was whiskey until dawn

Who’s on it?

We have no idea where the car is

Looks like we’re all getting lost then. We had to get a cab to the car

The reason I feel permanently nervous is because you were soon leaving and now you’re gone. I just remembered

Please ignore me forever

She needs her bike

The best sentence in that book is my co author’s, Flaubert’s ‘ je doute de tout, meme mon doute’

Sudden panic. Have you gone back? I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye or ask about him. Obviously I whispered that last part

I’m by the Cowley roundabout turning into myself

Her display photo is enough to make me wet

You’ve been sighted in oxford in a boy racer car

I’m sitting on a train listening to an overweight, middle aged man talk about special k and how eating after 7 is just murder

archive +4.4

As soon as possible. Choose a week. Write down everything you eat. At the end of the week mum will ring and ask what you think about food. Do you have thinspiraton? Motives for eating what you do? Guilt? The only thing is, you have to change your age

Younger

My friend just rang to tell me my friends dad is back on crack. I saw your friends last night


Do you have insomnia or something or just trying to cure yourself of the need to sleep? He’s had a pretty fucked up life his mum is dying as well

At home, just finished watching ‘labyrinth’ starring David Bowie. Wearing a sombrero. Drinking water, that kind of activity

Un bonne vivant nest pas?

I’m not wearing my sombrero anymore. I’m reading Alan Bennet

They wouldn’t let me and my friends into your place. You and your fucking clubs are so pretentious

Can you come off your high horse for five seconds?

Look to the stamp’s queen’s head, they’re going to cut it off

Camberwell castle. How convenient

Nearly there you weirdo

Are you ok?

All the best then

We are watching doctors, eating ginger snaps.

Sorry was I too forward. Have I blown it?

archive +4.3

Coming into London passing the Brixton recreation centre. Reminds me of you

Don’t be obscene.

Bloody hell just slept for 14 hours so am a little slow

Do I smell?

I’m being serious why the cold shoulder

Just lets meet

I’m in a gambling house. Text me if you want to come

I thought you were pretty joke but I don’t think you should make a habit of hanging round dirty old men. I hear you’ve got a hangover

You were pretty and joke and now you’re just pretty

I believe I’m seeing you

You’re shithouse rhyming isn’t worth anything

We’ve decided to have a housewarming next week. You will be the guest of honour as funniest girl in the world

Please stop worrying about everything

Fine

You seem to have a lot of bad and weird days. I’m not in a bad mood at all

archive +4.2

Being a curator is not as glamorous as expected. Sweeping a floor in a suit while tourists peer through the plate glass wall

I wrote a massive message with everything in it then deleted it

Are you all right?

Yes call

Ring


Gorgeous

Don’t say sorry

I’m looking at the picture you did for me. I love it

Asleep

Stop saying thank you it’s making me very uncomfortable

You could fill the blank in my diary if you’re not avoiding me as well. By the way you’re so fucking cool I cant get back to sleep

Call me when you’re up. Lets do something today. I’m in Camberwell

Thanks for sending your details-a member of the itv team will be in touch with you soon

Are you still not seeing people and things?

Love me if you dare

archive +4.1

I though you had been hiding in London. Refusing to see me.

Where are you now in this world?

I just listened to your voicemail and am so depressed

It’s not cool to call yourself cool

I want to feel good about myself but just ate four cookies and that girl has a nicer body than me with longer hair and a tan and pedicure. I want someone to fancy me at my worst again

Suck it babes

Gosh what a long drive

Well once you’ve cleaned out your mouth and picked out the hairs, try calling

How is that party?

Is it free?

Is it upstairs?

I showed you love and all I got was a couple of smart comments and the piss taken. Thanks. Still, you were the one who broke the door during the speeches

Acquaintances perhaps

archive +4.0

I had a dream about you last night. I was telling you how beautiful you were but your mouth was stretched from your chin to your eye. Sexy. I wish I knew what it meant.

I think I may become a mute

honestly don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?

He left his jacket in my car and I snooped around the pockets and found five condoms. Not one, but five disgusting red packets. What is that? Stop laughing I can juts hear you

Eat a child or your own faeces

I was just about to ask you to text me. I’m in dire straights of boredom. Editing her address book. Everyone is called Pandora or Hercules or Merry or Peregrin and all live in manor houses in the Cotswolds. Drinking on your own is almost sad. You should have absinthe and champagne instead. Its called death in the afternoon

I must admit that despite myself I am looking forward to it

I’ve been here forever. Looking and waiting for you. I work full time now. Please tell me. Are you home?

I envy you. All that comes out is embarrassment or misery on the few occasions I speak. Children should be seen not heard

archive +4.0

I had a dream about you last night. I was telling you how beautiful you were but your mouth was stretched from your chin to your eye. Sexy. I wish I knew what it meant.

I think I may become a mute

honestly don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?

He left his jacket in my car and I snooped around the pockets and found five condoms. Not one, but five disgusting red packets. What is that? Stop laughing I can juts hear you

Eat a child or your own faeces

I was just about to ask you to text me. I’m in dire straights of boredom. Editing her address book. Everyone is called Pandora or Hercules or Merry or Peregrin and all live in manor houses in the Cotswolds. Drinking on your own is almost sad. You should have absinthe and champagne instead. Its called death in the afternoon

I must admit that despite myself I am looking forward to it

I’ve been here forever. Looking and waiting for you. I work full time now. Please tell me. Are you home?

I envy you. All that comes out is embarrassment or misery on the few occasions I speak. Children should be seen not heard