archive +9.2

Has anyone been in your house?  There are white concrete footprints from the bathroom to your room.

Cement I think. Footprints

Or maybe she is a coke dealer. Gets it shipped in massive bags then steps on it to compress it into tiny packs she can hide. Much more likely.

You used to make me vomit

I swallowed it If I say yes will you let me sleep now?

I can only be friends with you if you stop assuming I think you’re pretentious and try to relax. That’s the only way we can get on. Big ask I know but it’s a deal breaker

I just feel washed up fucked up and lonely and another party isn’t going to solve it

Please don’t tell anyone about the tattoo.

You must understand, I have a reputation to protect.

I thought you had got over that phase.

archive +9.1

I'm at your house now. your brother thinks I'm insane

You want to fuck me?

Just famous people

I just chatted shit. I think they bought it

She is confused

I think your dad thought I was a fan

My body is twisting

I swear on my life

I wanted to make cucumber sandwiches. Have you got any other cute ideas?

We have coconut macaroons for you

Can you answer your fucking phone please

We wont make it west

archive +9.0

I've got nothing to say to you

Fat legs

They're singing in the fucking kitchen

Your coke's getting warm

Personally I think he was obsessed with his profile, but this was generally scoffed at in class

Don’t know. Sick like a dog

She has dyed her hair brown

I dreamt about your hair last night

This is by far my favourite Oxford story.

Are you still a smoker?

Don’t forget descriptive

There is no denying, he's handsome

Try my best to smooth away your frown

Very niche interest

We have amazing new railings

archive +8.9

If we’re going to be friends you're going to have to stop apologising

I'm sorry for drinking, it was only two glasses. I just couldn’t do it, I'm a disgrace

Doesn’t she get agressive?

How many free texts do you get a month?

I want to give you speech therapy

A good texting does take it out of you, doesn’t it?

It is sad but we’ll always be friends and that’s the heaven of it

Sardines under stairs

The fanciest, but maybe not the fleshiest

I've spent an uncommon amount of my life in airports, you’re right

Fine. I will just stay in and read then

I thought that might be your answer

archive +8.8

One of the twins looks fat

And in one fell swoop, I'm reminded why I haven’t spoken to you in ages

Can you by me harry potter, in English. Your brother is refusing

She seems to think I'm a terror, still bullying you. Am I?

I'm sorry I got angry the other night. That day was terrible for me, one of the worst

No, I'm sorry, no excuses. Silly

Sounds pretty wild

He has found me factor 100 sun cream for the old and ill. I will be fine

I can just imagine your scruffy head in the room next door. I wish you were here

Like really fucking major

Those photos have had me laughing all day

Is he taking toy soldiers with him too?

Well I'm back at work at Roadchef so what do you think?

archive +8.7

Please tell me you haven’t gone for round face straight nose again

In English

Should I put toothpaste on my burn?

I thought you would tell me off for sending it to my mum

I guess so babe, I guess so

Going to album launch then to you

Stop chopping those fucking tomatoes

Morally?

Your man is so here and I think I just insulted him by saying he sounded west London. Either way we are conspiring to capture you

So very grateful for saving me last night

Please can you not tell anyone

Send me a picture of a baboon

A little more crude than I intended

You’ve never submitted. It's an ongoing battle. You're extremely beautiful and incredibly sexy. You can be rude though

archive +8.6

Just climbed to the top

He is thinking the same

Tough crowd

I have seen a friend go mad though and it was horrible

A raw pigs brain.

Then fuck you

Pudding

For your information, your parents have already accepted the invitation so it's not really my problem.

He has a very special nose

My boss looks like our college gardener - the guy who does the lawns

I just got paid and it feels good, but it makes me realise I want to be stinking fucking rich.

I’m starting to think I won't see you again.

It’s a depressing place in many ways, full of people with no way out

archive +8.5

Countryside weirdness; the twilight zone

Do you enjoy confusing me, seriously?

Just be cautious and remember if your throat swells up call 999

Firstly, don’t ‘babe, what?’ me. Secondly, hello and thirdly, I heard there was big party at yours tonight

Why not for too long?

Why would we fight?

Am in London, but tell Oxford I love her, tell Oxford that I need her, tell Oxford not to cry, my love for her will never die

I think a very boring Greek goddess

Blonde curls and you would have to come and collect it from me

I doubt I could have given you any list of my friends that wouldn’t have intimidated you

I’m lonely and bored

I’m on an island in Kent wanting bacon

Sounds depraved

archive +8.4

Does your dad know a lot about bananas?

Shut up and sing

I hate smoke and I hate watching you smoke

How are you feeling about the situation today?

God I would love a dinner party with them

That’s a top five for you

I’m chain smoking

I’m in a tent

More like, wet wet wet

Sorry, phone in shoe. You should know that

Ok, titles rolling

Darling, what’s his surname?

I seem to remember I was the one who invited you out this evening

archive +8.3

I have had the best idea

You sent me quite a strange message the other day

His dad picked us up. Real boy racer

Very similar, perhaps more chatty and approachable. He said he didn’t want a scoda in his drive

One of a kind

Ive just done it for you

I might go as far as delete the ones you don’t like then

I'm always shocked by your choices

Number 5 aint his best

Don’t talk rubbish

Kfc market research

Should we book in a session?

Am I being too forward? Tell me if I am.

It was funny, but I've finished my break so you're going to have to wait a bit longer for replies

archive +8.2

I like that

I feel better. More alive.

I was just thinking

It's morning so best end our correspondence or something awful might happen

He is Irish and do you know how old he is?

27, what happened last night? Everyone went mad. She pissed herself when I told her. Prepare yourself

Literally the funniest thing ever. I can’t stop laughing.

Look at his myspace

You and your sibling, I so love you both, saying thank you. What shall we do tonight? Toga party at yours? Yes, I did send this to you both

Well said, it was great

I’m still hurting. I may have even died a little bit yesterday

We couldn’t get her in despite screaming at the doorman that she was born in 1982. So we left with our new friend, a Canadian man. I am mortified

She is going to new era to tease

Go yourself then. I’m sure that won't be awkward

I popped pills in Camden. Not that jealous

I’m sorry I was a total mess last night, so not cool

I don’t remember anything. Seriously, nothing. Sorry

And are we ashamed of ourselves? Well I am. You know I almost lost my job this morning

I’m giving up drinking for a while

It must be somewhere along the cycle

I give myself 5/10. I’m in the country on a farm. Working

I can’t tell yet. I will suss it out

I’m sorry I lost my mind

You’re so confused

archive +8.1

would love a friendly text to break up a boring day

Thoughtful mouse, I suppose that isn’t bad. BBC world always makes me more awake, it’s the colours

Dream on

When do you get back from ‘away’

We played loads of juju music. My dance partners were strictly over the age of consent. I’m going to try and dance with a pregnant woman next time

I cooked my arm last night. Boils, blisters and all. I’ve been such a foreigner to London this Easter.

It wasn’t

Promise it wasn’t

I’m your flexible friend

Sounds like a catch 22 to me. Masturbation or football usually works for me. You’re going to have to think of your own though

archive +8.0

I have had four replacement teeth from punches

Well it’s interesting to find out what you really think of me

You are cruel

I didn’t think you would find that funny. But I did

Any dream will do

Call me or I wont tell you

You dickhead, it's me. Call my mobile or you could just wake my mum up again

I get the picture

Pick it up baby

Please

I got out of bed and everything

Apologies for the aggression

I just had to jump out of bed naked to pick up the phone as I linked the events in my head. I was scarred I might meet my mum at the telephone-I try and avoid these situations you know

archive +7.9

I ate half a pineapple at lunch

There is one kid who keeps on being asked if they are a boy or a girl

She has a thick moustache with healthy regrowth

Thought as much

It’s better than thinking about nothing. Something everyone else in the world does

Strangest dream

I’m so angry, I just wrote you a five-page message but deleted it. I’m sorry if you’re feeling upset, I wish you were in London. He likes you, it's just complicated. His age, his lifestyle...Personally I believe you deserve more and much better, but I've been in your situation and it’s the hardest thing to forget. Things will change, but I don’t think that’s enough.

I've finished my novel

Stop it.

Sixty four thousand words and twenty pages. God, I’m over the moon.

I get that the whole time; eyes blinking and thinking, sinking and pinking

archive +7.8

I have a horrible feeling I just intruded on my sister masturbating

Did he reply?

Think about football, that works for me

Yeah, and what

I just did a fart that was exactly like the smell of wheat crunchies. The purple pack

I’m easy like Sunday morning

I’m sorry. I was drunk and you know the conceited monster that I am. I just looked at myself sidelong in the mirror whilst in the shower and my arse is so big.

Two more of her. Bury me now

So bored of sex

Ratios

Nothing to display

We are having a middle class vodka and cocaine party. Come come come along

You are seriously missing out. We are making a den which isn’t as good as your birthday one, but it is more disco. You don’t even have to partake, we are drinking five alive. Think of the love you will receive on arrival.

Don’t be silly, you cannot resist. We will be here all night waiting hopefully for your imminent arrival. He will do a handstand if you come

Its fucking hilarious-get over it

archive +7.7

I’ve taken care of it.

Help

He isn’t a person, more a series of unfortunate sound bites

A general debate ensued after that message but all we've thrown up from it, like a bulimic, is trite. Weight is but a number and it depends on how you look which in your case is good, so let that girl get on with it. The dress finally came, I love it, I look like St Francis

God, I don’t understand, why do you do this to me?

What a relief. I do try and keep up with your inner monologue, but I struggle

It would never make me cry. I enjoyed that message

Well, so have you me, but you’ve also made me smile an awful lot and that’s what I chose to focus on. I was thinking of my fondest memory of you was lying under the London eye on a summers night and you probably don’t even remember it. How's that for uncomfortable

That made me cry

Somewhere new and somewhere old

White city dog race. Come on, you know I’m shit at this. I would say sit on a bench

Is this to entertain him? If it’s sunny all the time I would get bubble tea and cigarettes and lie in a park being nonchalant.

She felt she may as well succumb to her inevitable plumpness, so joined the kittens on the floor where they lapped from a bowl of cream. She did this every day, every mealtime, so that night by night she saw her thighs stretch, not as white as cream, no, but marbled with the delicate pink and blue of veins. Her stomach became distended and the folds in the flesh crunched beneath her as she rose or bent, but especially bent, and her body groaned. Soft and nacreous, her skin sent up fumes like incense exhaled at some slaughter, some sacrifice of the vanities.

archive +7.6

Of course you knew it. Of corpse. I’m referring to the tourettes you got diagnosed with. I miss talking to you, the wall just doesn’t do the trick

I’m too stubborn to. I tell my mum it makes me want to scream sso she will turn the volume down when relocation relocations on. I cant back down, but otherwise yes, I see your point

Lets go on holiday together. It’s the only thing that will help

Why, are you ok?

Well, I always wonder if you’re ok.

You’re too pretty to be a spy, they like plain ones. I shaved my head in a moment of summer anticipation and I’m now regretting it. What has been worrying you?

I want you to show me somewhere new

archive +7.5

Follow the yellow brick road.

Do you think its kinder not to be her friend at all?

He was so on it last night

Sorry. I’m on a bike

I’m going to be famous for killing someone accidentally

I think I should probably leave it. Don’t want to miss my flight because I want a cigarette and coke with you

Kiss

Why do I cry?

Rear of the year, surely

Your influence has rubbed off on me. I’m drinking redbull and listening to soul

I was listening, well, singing along to a song today, quite earnestly. When it got to ‘w p c when am I going to go? No!’ the laughter started and didn’t stop. Even, or especially, when my mum was talking about her mother’s death, you came to mind. Though you are always on my mind. I’m determined to sound like a pervert

Fraught with traumas our contact has been.

archive +7.4

I’m in Ireland with him but he is really getting on my nerves. He keeps asking me to lick his face

Sitting in Leicester Square eating kfc. Could I be any more self-loathing?

Its not uncomfortable, I can take it from you

It was meant to be a smiley, with a question mark

Smiley face with a question mark?

Are you pissed at me?

Can VIP you if you want to come now

Speak tomorrow

Tort is like vanilla and that goes well with straw and straw dogs

Hope you get home safely and please don’t text him

archive +7.3

The only violation is in you.

You’re going to single handedly run the brothel

Come

Do

Just do it, but don’t kill me afterwards

I’m having lunch with my dad. You’re right about chicken

I’m watching a strange new movie about Christ and the devil set in current day NY

Didn’t you know?

I’m going to wait until he has kids and then eat them in front of him

I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings

archive + 7.2

Oh shit. I kissed a conference guest. He is married

And then the drunk gay porter told me he wanted to kiss me. Its all pretty bad

I served some Dutch guys dinner and they invited me out but everything was shut so I drank illegally in the bar. We were all getting more and more drunk and the bartenders invited the porter for a drink. And then he told me to stop looking at him because he really wanted to kiss me

If you do anything I think you should call

Went to the pub and forgot my mobile. Not use to having it. Am round at mine

I’m having a library stint and in the past you’ve proved welcome distraction. Can you come up with the goods again?

Come to mine I will meet you

We’re going to borough for a while. Come for a brownie and a long analysis of the date

Feel like a café day? I will buy

Would have been cooler if you were looking at the camera. I really enjoyed having you, thanks for coming

Sounds like exactly the sort of strange situation you find yourself in

I think if he needs help then you should. Sorry for not replying sooner

It wasn’t lame. Actually you’re right. You need to try not giving a fuck what you or anyone else thinks about you. How's your leg?

archive +7.1

Not feeling nervous, but I’m feeling shit. Always talking about taking things seriously but I've pretended she’s not a real human being. Pretty bad

‘We install more cookers than anyone else in the UK’-makes you think really

Pseudo faux pas

Ultra neo classical pap, that’s what

You’re all over that dream

It is ok, I've had two valium from his candy box so i'll be safe to get back into the world

We can talk about guilt

Gig tonight in new cross. The fucks are playing, how sweet

It was such fun unwrapping my sandwich

archive +7.0

I’m asleep

Later if you get bored painting by yourself-probably unlikely-it would be cool if we could paint together.

I fainted again. The most exciting thing in my life at the moment

Escape crimson rooms

I’m thinking. Lets have our babies together, aiming for the same day. I think they would get on. Closest of friends

I think I depressed you. My eye was hurting

You are infuriating

Hoarse

Who is this?

I would have made it but the chain fell off. Bike grease all over my neck. Pretty cool entrance

God, people can ruin anything

I’m going to have to force you to run at some point. Ill let you know when I feel mean

The one with the hanging baskets

Don’t use that get out clause. No you are not shit. Just call me in future and make me believe that you care. Its alright really, this band have songs called ‘you are the gimp and I am the mother fucker’

archive +6.9

Don’t swear at me I know it’s not ok to ask

So like my friends got really drunk last night and sent you that message.

That was my courting gesture

Valentines pub conversation: ‘why is the honey monster there?’

What in gods name are you talking about

I knew you would leave

I’m speckly

I do birthdays, you do valentines

The can is outside your door. You sounded occupied so I didn’t disturb

I just remembered that violation thing you’re scared of

What an offer

I just came

I’m in trouble. Pick up

I’m on a coach with nothing but time on my hands and I don’t have any pride with you. I will keep calling

Hurts don't it?

Just be comfortable and pleasant, too late probably

Thanks for the coca cola

It’s all ok, honest

I’m going to come and get you when you’re asleep

I honestly didn’t mean that seriously. Don’t change a thing

Don’t you look pensive…

I’m eating with our friend

Blanked

If I were you I would be fucking angry that no one told me about things, that sounds harsh, but I think you aught to be. It would have been mean to have let you carry on thinking all was fine and you deserve honesty. So be honest with them and don’t think you’re a walk over. Maybe I’m missing the point, sorry

Walking around with a fucking lighter trying to find my clothes

archive +6.8

I didn’t say anything about that by the way, I was just telling them about doom

I’ve just realised I've been wearing the same outfit for a week

Guilt trip, make him paranoid

I cant, just imagine the applause though. Little boys swarming like ants, disgusting

I’ve got hysteria. Bad way to start the week

Tell her you are heart broken. She will love it

Bananas make your head feel better

Text me something funny

Just wolfed a diet coke in the library and had to stifle a burp. Everyone heard anyway.

She wants attention

You need sunglasses in this snow

Just so we’re clear, I’m still expecting a valentines card

You weren’t carried, trust me

You sound prickly, I look forward to seeing your effort

I bet you think this text is about you, don’t you

Its just too awful, the drug chat is through the roof

It’s not that busy. Relax

I cam over to see if you were alright

I have a terrible feeling

archive +6.7

Don’t be scared. I’m looking at you

Come here to my room. I’ve been waiting for you

A prancing deer

Any burns?

Is anyone awake?

Tunnels again. Free flowing prose

Whilst there is some predisposition among pacific islanders, I think the rise in chronic disease is caused largely by economic factors and a dependence on Imported foods. I’m trying to answer that very question myself

I’m flattered, today is my first day of freedom for a year so we’re both celebrating. Sorry for the recent neglect

My room

I left the book in your room and turned your light off. Hope that’s ok. If its not then take it up with the environment police. The planets warming up if you don’t read the newspapers. Shit, no rainforest left

You know me too well

It got a standing ovation, although helpfully pointed out that they were just cheering because I was leaving

Can I borrow the hunter-gatherers?

I’m a bit shit

archive +6.6

I wanted to watch them chain sawing the trees with you

I’ve fucked up. Nobody’s fault but mine

If you stare at them for too long you get sucked into that colour so then you cant see anything. So watch out for that

I want to try some of your cooking

Excellent has three ‘e’s in it and no ‘a’.

I find boring postcards utterly mesmerising

I’m dirty on the inside

I’m full of indecision and in a bad mood about kinship

I like a lot of things

Exactly

Cable with a b is shit

Lets rent a kite and fly south

Do you want it? It will end in tears

You know what

archive +6.5

I think you should write a book.

It’s the best idea I have ever had for you. Start with a brainstorm

I’m on an endless drive in Fulham. I think your circumstances may be preferable. No doubt you and your reflection are smiling

Cool your boots, find a neutral place, you’re just living in your essay and soon it will be dead

You MySpack. Do I not even warrant a cynical and inappropriately punctuated text? You sound sad. I hope you’re not entirely. There must be a little ray of sunshine even if it is my brother and it sits at home all day long thinking of you fondly and watching endless re-runs of match of the day. I’m on my way south with the entire contents of a florist pollinating on my fur jacket

Its already evening gone, its night, an awful night

Tipping the velvet

I can’t wake you. Your door is locked and your not picking up any phones. I tried

archive +6.4

I’m in Banbury next to oxford recording some music. I finish tomorrow evening, what will you be up to?

Take the mad tin

Where have you been, I've finished recording and back now

I know. A slight party, get drunk and wake up the next morning thinking oh well

I had a dream about you last night. I was telling you how beautiful you were but your mouth was stretched from your chin to your eye. Sexy. I wish I knew what it meant.

I think it may have been the darkness

Bring it over here and I will steady the bitch. I was right about the darkness. Here I go, free tickets

I’m not a big fan of meaning and I know you’re not either

Next time you’re up in London you should be with me because I do fun things like enter internet competitions about bands

Yeah well lets both lie in our beds and dream about night time competition

Want to come over tonight?

Oh where the hell are you, not that I particularly miss you, but you just disappeared without a word, without a trace. I hope you’re all right

If you’ve got it, flaunt it

archive +6.3

Am I black enough for you?

I’m sorry to only just get back to you. Saturday was amazing, the people went crazy, it was wonderful. London is missing you, London being me

Do you think it is bad if I text him?

Just been given a five-hour lecture about the consequences of pranking and meddling with peoples’ lives. I’m the one who needs to be rescued

My father found out I made a myspace page for one of his friends

Thanks for trying

I’ve completely forgotten what we were talking about. I’m comfortable with it

archive +6.2

Have you bitten the bullet?

Well maybe they’re right. I wouldn’t stop until I got arrested

Pressure my cellular

Fuck off. It’s well fucking funny to wake me up at 5

Please never doubt yourself. I personally think you’re one in a million

I’m at work feeling sorry for myself. What the hell happened this weekend?

I misbehaved too hard all night, took silly drugs, feel bad about being mean to some girl, on a big come down, no sleep, melancholic. Not my best

Where are you?

Pity

Why do you think?

Steady on, I just though you might like to come over for a glass of wine

Gosh. How dreadful. But otherwise yes. I don’t know what any of that means. Guess you’re on your way back to oxford then

You’re a hard girl to follow, but then you’re doing 90 and writing this shit-got to love you

archive +6.1

I’m bringing back some industrial strength ex-soviet condoms and a pack of Marlboro lights

Me too

Seriously

That’s fucking disgusting

I’m back in Keble. My room has two desks. One is for you

I’m so sorry. You never know what he is thinking. I’m actually thinking of you all the time. Don’t give up

Apparently frogs taste of chicken. Did you eat any or was it just diet cock and cigarettes?

I thought I saw you but it was the woman from the library, you know the one who isn’t actually a librarian but tries hard to be

Do you want some cake and cigarettes? I must get out of this house

You’re internal please

I despise the fact you never pick up your phone

Bugger

I’m in the bottom the library

Fuck me. Its like the Keble & Child in here

I made that up

Keen

No, it got put down by accident

I’m too lazy to knock on your door

Decadence is the new black

archive +6.0

I’m just pissed off because the coverage of that story made me want to kill. By the way the other film was one of the best I have ever seen

How are kisses drunkenness confusion and cafes?

Yes. Mad and passionate. He is getting married to his tiger girlfriend and I’m becoming a sad and pathetic witch. At least I have seen his penis

Patience is the key-let him think of you

You’re in Paris and wont get this thank god. I want to make weird noises

Shit pressed send by accident

What I meant to say was that kind of over excited noise but I feel I can only do it in your company. I sound like a pervert

When are you back?

Cut left up rue do vielle du temple

Troubadour

You have got the shits?

What are you talking about?

I feel embarrassed that I got excited about reggae in angel

I have a desperate need to fall in love

Why are you in Paris you fuck? The whole of earls court misses you.

Do I look like a slut?

Listen

archive +5.9

I had a dream about you last night. Licks and kisses

Actually I did

So pretty much doing exactly the same thing as you. Don’t suppose you feel like having a really nice dinner, watching some movies and telling each other not to worry and that life is great?

East is good. Is that a yes?

Make your way to Bethnal green and call me when you’re here

I never knew you drove

Are you sure you’re ok?

I’m hitting the hay. Thinking about you rocking in your rocking car. I’m kind of jealous, I love driving at night, but only people who don’t drive say that

How was last night?

Not funny, I can’t make jokes

Moral of the story. Give a shit about your kid don’t leave it with a badly trained dog otherwise you get a load of ignorants blaming the wrong thing

archive +5.8

Of course I knew he wasn’t coming

Will you eat first?

I actually don’t mind where

‘Please don’t run away from me otherwise people will think I’m a monster’ is apparently what I screamed, then I was described to have appeared like an escaped rapist

Promise please

You never came back

Soldiers sounds more fun than murder

Yes, I did think you were coming back

There is still hope. Please. Ill beg if I have to

I really want to show off my thumbs

Don’t smoke crack

Oh.my.god.i.am.so.bad. You should have heard his lines though

I’ve been shuffling around muttering to myself for four hours, my temperature reached a peak of 39. My favourite thing was to say that I was talking to myself over and over trailing off, sitting down, closing my eyes, repositioning the hot water bottle to leave one limb aching, then croak whatever feverish though floated in.

Then I cough really hard sometimes a little bit of wee seeps out into my ill duvet smelling boxers. My dressing gown rubs clean the yellow piss on the edge of the toilet and I groan and hum ride of the valkarys to make this feel grand

archive +5.7

Don’t ignore me

I don’t mind. I’ve just got in though and hackney is the best area so…old St, Columbia road, Bethnal green?

I’m in the cinema. I got told off last time

Merry Christmas. I’m dressing up as a winged sheep. My glance is tender, my snout is just right, and my wings my dear, my wings sparkle and are purple. I do wish you were arriving tomorrow

Merry Christmas. Sorry I couldn’t make it under the tree, but you can unwrap me some other time

Too many pine needles

I’m about to get on the plane

For bizarre activity we are having a glass of wine in the Fentiman but we'll have to go soon because political discussion at next table between expats will inspire violence

Putney’s a little out of my range

No I’m going to wait and see what unfolds with the dog

A thousand times yes

There was a young man from Kent

Call if you need the inhaler

He put it in double

God I embarrassed myself last night. I trashed a room with no trousers on and pulled a Virgin Mary quite violently against the wall. My mother had to put me to bed

archive +5.6

I have a massive bruise on my back from trying to build a pyramid last night. I decorated the tree the other day and went for a full tinsel wrap. I hate minimalist decoration

I would like a ritzy reunion soon

Actually that last message was a little keen. I actually meant yeah, maybe next year, whatever

Mind the cats

I have thought of you so many times this holiday. Please remind me to tell you the stories

Don’t worry, I know phones are scary. I’m now walking another dog waiting to hear if I can take the one I want. If I get it its called the dude

If I get him I will take him to my dads cottage at the sea for a holiday

No dog. Its got to be reassessed. I got a free sandwich so I can go home and play with that instead

I’m at Bethnal green. There is a tramp on hands free. This area is really up and coming

What happens in Brixton? I’m shaving my beard as we speak

You smoke heroin? Now I understand

What do you mean? That’s what you said

Fuck you. I don’t want to come to your Christmas drinks

archive +5.5

I cant see you there it is too depressing

I knew you wouldn’t understand

Your turn

I miss my friends, the sunshine, my job, my truck and my swimming. Everything really. Positive mental thinking hey

Cock. I hate them both. Cocks

Yes please. I’m wearing the worst shoes

I don’t give a hoot. Somewhere between north and south

We are going to kick your arse

How is preparation for Christmas? I bet you just love this season

Are you seeing him?

Sorry. That wasn’t meant for you

Call me ASAP

Come back

It’s a nice walk. Why don’t you try doing it backwards?

I just got your scary text. Are you ok?

I will pay for you all night. Drinks entrance. No pay back

I keep thinking about texting you. Not keep just have thought about texting you a couple of times but can’t think of anything entertaining to say

archive +5.4

Can I have the parker death and burial book?

I’m eating yours

I’m at Wadham looking at overwhelmingly nice legs

His room stinks

I haven’t been ignoring you on purpose. I speak to you whenever I see you, I let you pass out in my bed, I tell my friends to take you home and I never reply to your texts because they never make sense. I don’t want you to think there is a problem

Sorry for being testy. I’ve just spent five un necessary hours in the hospital waiting for my brother to be transferred

Opinions on the Nazis?

Id rather be an aunt than a Muslim

Id rather be a variation of cunt on predictive text

Cock?

It’s the transition from fast to slow. Like when you go past a lorry on the motorway and you go backwards for a bit, when you're so used to going forwards there is nothing now moving

This is the first message I have sent. It’s hard to use this phone

Her door keeps getting stuck and I have to escape through an Indian ladies flat. I’m dying for a cigarette but cant face the smell of curry any more. Still no reply from him. A bottle of wine just for me

There is a building being ripped down by a bulldozer. It looks like its made of paper

Write some poetry or come to Warwick

You are avoiding my question

Do you know where the stairways to heaven is?

Sorted handsome

Id do anything, for you dear anything.

You can come

Dear god a man just grabbed me and tried to get me into his car

Why the uncertainty?

You seem as disinterested in my messages as you were in my conversation

It was so wonderful seeing you yesterday. I’m happy you’re happy

Id rather be an anti racist than a Muslim

You got what you deserve

That depends on what exactly you quote, cunteyes

Ill tell you everything. Whenever you want

I guess I would open a bird sanctuary for chicks with broken hearts\

archive +5.3

Chilli and mayonnaise

Quote. He really likes her. Likes likes. Obviously

Dinner time

Thanks but I wont

I didn’t act very cool last night. I kept trying to hold his hand

Spoons

Jesus Christ. Bad for my nerves

I’m sitting in the quod. Ready

I just saw your man walking past the pub. Get him

Proactive

Id rather stay single and thin. You are amazing. Good texts anyway

Have you got oil and vinegar

I do not have rape films. You think the worst of people

3009

archive +5.2

Hate evolution. I’m going to our party

Fuck you

You make me want to say rude things

That was totally regrettable

Can you throw down your key?

If its not the middle aged ones launching themselves at you it’s the under age ones teasing me. Then there is the constant battle with reflective surfaces and complements.

What are you talking about?

Don’t you think its sick that although I was just told my Nan has been found dead, I still feel I need to do this work

How is the seducing?

I need to know who wrote the articles about the Italians

I can see you

I’m about to pull

I kissed him

Friends?

It’s still quite early

Something to do

Look at her e-mail. What a fucking creep. And the second one is inexplicable

archive +5.1

Mice of the east have slightly shorter tails than hedge mice which have slightly longer left ear lobes than earless donkeys

Lads. On tour

Would you be offended if I turned up at yours now?

I literally just had to run into my tutorial

Yes covered in drink stains

Its just dawned on me how disgusting it must have been to have me slop into your bed drunk as a fart

I just pissed in your loo and by accident on the floor. I cleaned my ears too

I love you too so does this mean you will suck my cock?

archive +5.0

Probably sees the stuff too often. Everyone likes a change

I’m sitting in a sea of students wearing baby pink and blue Warwick goodies. This is why I want to run. I’m wearing my Norwegian national costume

I know you think you’re enigmatic. But 5 words just wont cut it. Explain please, post-haste

Is it because of the jewfro. I completely understand

What is this? I finally manage to engage you in conversation and then nothing. My house is having a party. And fireworks. And fire. And chorizo and lentil soup. We didn’t invite anyone

I spent a lovely day with your brother which of course made me think of you. I understand what you think about what we’ve been made to do, I understand and see why you and I worry so much. There is a reason, I know, we feel so there must be. God sorry for the soppy message but I mean it. We’re searching for the beauty that will sadly never be but we have to look. I feel like an idiot trying to be so insightful but I truly mean it all. All my love my sweet --

What is the point of you?

No because it is ion oval where I cannot see it

Want a copy?

Gash mash, and vaginal cigarette ash rash. Ruby burn puss puss. Stone age rage full the wicker cage, blink, all is not it seems, twas only a wet dream

archive +4.9

I thought it was self-explanatory. Search it

Was it corporate whore drinks, ones with gentlemen or another breed?

I’m a concrete tourist flawless cordless deadpan stare through the drain cover glare blink the baby alligators. Baby alligators, in the sewers, grow up fast, they don’t last, they don’t last. The concrete tourist, bombs and cars, all frozen in mega pixels, cant remember the last time he saw seagulls

Well I don’t know how to feel because there is an air of discomfort. We need to sort that out first

That was my explanation. No more weirdness

I laughed loud. Sickness making my ankles shiver

It’s a bit like an addiction. But must stop, I've got the shakes. I didn’t like the way my life was heading

I’m coming up tomorrow. I’m going to look gangster, zoo York blazers and lumber jack shirt

Seriously?

Fuck it I got it

Are you available for fun?

Also those grapes fucked me up

I don’t know what any of that meant

What happened?

I was followed into a club toilet by a very young looking girl last week who went on to take a picture of my shlong/piece/samule Johnson without my knowledge and has posted such picture on the internet. I feel incredibly violated

You’re just annoyed because I’m so spontaneous

archive +4.8

Dick

We’re smoking by the bar

As bloody well you should (sweet heart) and I think considering the circumstances you should be wearing green

The polish guy really wants to have sex with me tonight. Please call me if you’re awake. I’m walking now. Please

Morning

I don’t want to have it without you

No fights or anything like that

I want to but I have these fucking essays. I have problems

What’s it all been for?

That’s the point. That’s the charm. Absolutely nothing. Nothing

I would say make me look good and delete when necessary

I would say you’re pretty damn cool, but I don’t know

Sitting in the library near her. You see I’m bored

I heard you got lucky

He is always a welcome guest

I don’t know why it started, but he smacked me in the face, then it just turned into a game

archive +4.7

He has got his son here until Monday so if you still don’t believe me now is the time

There are many reasons why I like you; you’re funny, don’t mind the piss taken, you’re different and weird, you’re up for late night wanders, you still give me butterflies and with something as small as a text you can give me a level of happiness I rarely feel. As long as you want me as part of your life, I’ll want you. I’m going for a swim

Subtly of course

A message that long is intrinsically flirtatious

It’s a mission to come up with an adequate response. It’s more intrigue than intimidation

I’ve been on another social tonight. Is that enough laughing fodder for you?

This would be a lot cheaper if I came over, but then we would run the risk of high jinx occurring

Well I try not to joke around, but I have been drinking so take from it what you like. My door isn’t open but its always unlocked. However you would find me sprawled naked across my bed

Crossbones

They are still in the taste the difference range at Sainsbury’s if you’re middle class enough. Fortunately I am. They exist in my fridge right now

Oxford was how you say ‘tip top’? It’s fast becoming my favourite place outside Streatham. The word is jest, learn how to spell

You must come to Nissan 15 minutes earlier. Trust me. You must

Lock up your perishables

Turn on radio 4-shipping forecast

archive +4.6

Navy blue shit. Blue tie. White shirt. Medium size glasses. Slight facial tick as he looked at the pavement. Red bandana. White marijuana leaves. Is he the one?

A photo of my Portuguese lover found on your wall. I’m back

Sorry I didn’t call, I was pouring drinks for rich Russian women

I don’t own one. I gave my ipod a funeral

What a fucker

Batty

Yes but the whites of my eyes are the colour of my red jumper. Potato

I hope with all my heart that was sincere

Oh, you’re just saying that

Wont that cost a bomb off my mobile

I just set off the fire alarm off. Everybody hates me. I want to die

Don’t you dare think I didn’t see you leave

Probably you’re both hiding for the same reason. Stop it

I thought it only happened in films-caught in the fucking monsoon today a white van drove past me and swept a puddle the size of a lake Windermere all over me. Sadly no one cool was around to see me and it would have made a very good anecdote. But you can’t have everything

Cocaine weed beer wine cigarettes music. Got heaven got hell

As did I


I cannot wait until I’m better and can be interested and laugh and be ‘fun’. I always knew you were lame from the first moment I saw you, I saw in you something of myself and said ‘I like your watch’.

Maybe people think you’re rude because you go to obnoxford

The twin towers were completed in 1876. The original budget was $350 million. The project was completed for $1billion

No one

Exactly

You must think I’m a proper dickhead or really dislike me then, I didn’t realise

I was in a hotel in Newcastle and I couldn’t sleep from worry. Horrid

I’m going on a date with a fatty boom. I wish you could come

Yes. I want to pooh with dread

We’re going to a barn dance. And because I cant keep saying no. He says he wants to see me before he gets sent abroad. Something to do with a proposal

Are you better? Why did it come on? Was it a panic attack, my mum gets those. My concerns were of beauty and my lack of it in my songs. Silly silly things. I Miss you very much

archive +4.5

Yeah, it was whiskey until dawn

Who’s on it?

We have no idea where the car is

Looks like we’re all getting lost then. We had to get a cab to the car

The reason I feel permanently nervous is because you were soon leaving and now you’re gone. I just remembered

Please ignore me forever

She needs her bike

The best sentence in that book is my co author’s, Flaubert’s ‘ je doute de tout, meme mon doute’

Sudden panic. Have you gone back? I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye or ask about him. Obviously I whispered that last part

I’m by the Cowley roundabout turning into myself

Her display photo is enough to make me wet

You’ve been sighted in oxford in a boy racer car

I’m sitting on a train listening to an overweight, middle aged man talk about special k and how eating after 7 is just murder

archive +4.4

As soon as possible. Choose a week. Write down everything you eat. At the end of the week mum will ring and ask what you think about food. Do you have thinspiraton? Motives for eating what you do? Guilt? The only thing is, you have to change your age

Younger

My friend just rang to tell me my friends dad is back on crack. I saw your friends last night


Do you have insomnia or something or just trying to cure yourself of the need to sleep? He’s had a pretty fucked up life his mum is dying as well

At home, just finished watching ‘labyrinth’ starring David Bowie. Wearing a sombrero. Drinking water, that kind of activity

Un bonne vivant nest pas?

I’m not wearing my sombrero anymore. I’m reading Alan Bennet

They wouldn’t let me and my friends into your place. You and your fucking clubs are so pretentious

Can you come off your high horse for five seconds?

Look to the stamp’s queen’s head, they’re going to cut it off

Camberwell castle. How convenient

Nearly there you weirdo

Are you ok?

All the best then

We are watching doctors, eating ginger snaps.

Sorry was I too forward. Have I blown it?

archive +4.3

Coming into London passing the Brixton recreation centre. Reminds me of you

Don’t be obscene.

Bloody hell just slept for 14 hours so am a little slow

Do I smell?

I’m being serious why the cold shoulder

Just lets meet

I’m in a gambling house. Text me if you want to come

I thought you were pretty joke but I don’t think you should make a habit of hanging round dirty old men. I hear you’ve got a hangover

You were pretty and joke and now you’re just pretty

I believe I’m seeing you

You’re shithouse rhyming isn’t worth anything

We’ve decided to have a housewarming next week. You will be the guest of honour as funniest girl in the world

Please stop worrying about everything

Fine

You seem to have a lot of bad and weird days. I’m not in a bad mood at all

archive +4.2

Being a curator is not as glamorous as expected. Sweeping a floor in a suit while tourists peer through the plate glass wall

I wrote a massive message with everything in it then deleted it

Are you all right?

Yes call

Ring


Gorgeous

Don’t say sorry

I’m looking at the picture you did for me. I love it

Asleep

Stop saying thank you it’s making me very uncomfortable

You could fill the blank in my diary if you’re not avoiding me as well. By the way you’re so fucking cool I cant get back to sleep

Call me when you’re up. Lets do something today. I’m in Camberwell

Thanks for sending your details-a member of the itv team will be in touch with you soon

Are you still not seeing people and things?

Love me if you dare

archive +4.1

I though you had been hiding in London. Refusing to see me.

Where are you now in this world?

I just listened to your voicemail and am so depressed

It’s not cool to call yourself cool

I want to feel good about myself but just ate four cookies and that girl has a nicer body than me with longer hair and a tan and pedicure. I want someone to fancy me at my worst again

Suck it babes

Gosh what a long drive

Well once you’ve cleaned out your mouth and picked out the hairs, try calling

How is that party?

Is it free?

Is it upstairs?

I showed you love and all I got was a couple of smart comments and the piss taken. Thanks. Still, you were the one who broke the door during the speeches

Acquaintances perhaps

archive +4.0

I had a dream about you last night. I was telling you how beautiful you were but your mouth was stretched from your chin to your eye. Sexy. I wish I knew what it meant.

I think I may become a mute

honestly don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?

He left his jacket in my car and I snooped around the pockets and found five condoms. Not one, but five disgusting red packets. What is that? Stop laughing I can juts hear you

Eat a child or your own faeces

I was just about to ask you to text me. I’m in dire straights of boredom. Editing her address book. Everyone is called Pandora or Hercules or Merry or Peregrin and all live in manor houses in the Cotswolds. Drinking on your own is almost sad. You should have absinthe and champagne instead. Its called death in the afternoon

I must admit that despite myself I am looking forward to it

I’ve been here forever. Looking and waiting for you. I work full time now. Please tell me. Are you home?

I envy you. All that comes out is embarrassment or misery on the few occasions I speak. Children should be seen not heard

archive +4.0

I had a dream about you last night. I was telling you how beautiful you were but your mouth was stretched from your chin to your eye. Sexy. I wish I knew what it meant.

I think I may become a mute

honestly don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?

He left his jacket in my car and I snooped around the pockets and found five condoms. Not one, but five disgusting red packets. What is that? Stop laughing I can juts hear you

Eat a child or your own faeces

I was just about to ask you to text me. I’m in dire straights of boredom. Editing her address book. Everyone is called Pandora or Hercules or Merry or Peregrin and all live in manor houses in the Cotswolds. Drinking on your own is almost sad. You should have absinthe and champagne instead. Its called death in the afternoon

I must admit that despite myself I am looking forward to it

I’ve been here forever. Looking and waiting for you. I work full time now. Please tell me. Are you home?

I envy you. All that comes out is embarrassment or misery on the few occasions I speak. Children should be seen not heard

archive +3.9

You lost your phone?

You are mental. You will be fine. I will go to church and light a candle and pray for your safe return

My favourite of your texts. When people read it they’re like oh why do you keep all the messages from her and I’m like because I dig them when really its because I dig you and I just cant wait to see you its like boy its like all that I think about

He cried in my arms and then we kissed and drank beer kissed played music kissed the entire afternoon just me and him

Soap and graft will get that out

I got asked why I was smiling to myself today because I was laughing about you saying something about his little phutniked body. You said it so angrily and your little cheeks were all red

What’s fun about a supermarket?

He sleeps with a mattock in his bed

You sleep

Favourite foetus

So. I expect to get what I give. Reply stupid

Luton. I wish I could spend one more penniless day on the beach with you and see you slowly turn more North African

You’re lucky it says pending

archive +3.8

I just got them. Read them out to shame you.

Terra cotta still rockin’?

If your asthma is bad ask her to be sent to Lisbon

Here is something that will cheer you up then: my friend fancies you. He asked to be your friend on myspace

Basically one night we met a lesbian in a suit and an offensively plunging neckline and she was being pimped by some gross skinny Italian man who you could just tell was a child molester. Apparently I spent a good half of the night grinding with her

I will borrow some money. Such a nice day. We found some bones. He came over with his beautiful smile. No kisses yet

What happened that led to your hospital fun?

They kissed four times on Saturday

How would you describe my hands?

So yeah how are you because I really miss you and can’t wait until we are together because I want to breathe with you and stuff like that

Sunday. Find a beach. We are leaving for the site tonight. I have your boots. And Jackie Collins

archive +3.7

I was faintly hoping you would be my date. Maybe one day. I’m jealous of your adventure. I will be living with a Tongan family in a few days

I’m the only one left fucked and on crazy pills. It is too great

Your hair looked fine

Lightning strikes accursed Lemington spa. My train is cancelled

Yeah girlfriend

Sadly it’s not working. And it had such a nice accompanying message. Never mind

I was just thinking about you, and when you ate candle wax.
You up?

I just wanted to wish you the fondest of goodbyes

I hate goodbyes. I’m now going for a shower. Consider keeping it textual

archive +3.6

Just checking you were keen

I will buy you one as a pet

I had three boiled eggs for breakfast and I’m really happy about it

Ryde

I have been researching. Ortolans are related to garden warblers, as the derivation from hortulanus would suggest

Up up and away

Oh right. Then I’m quite envious of your midnight meanderings

I think I will take your recommendation and go for a wander

It’s cold and raining in this country. Please bring some sunshine

I didn’t realise you were leaving

archive +3.5

No response, no goodbye. Maybe I’m old fashioned but I think it’s harsh. I wasn’t purposefully causing a rift, but like you there are things that worry and upset me that seem too irrational to others. Now this will go unresolved probably forever and all I ever wanted was some indication that you cared, which you don’t seem to. It’s so sad to lose a friend just because he cared enough to get upset and angry over not seeing you. Anyway, I promise this message hasn’t been sent with any other agenda

I was actually asked what a-levels I had taken this evening. I couldn’t but laugh

And there is nothing you can do about it

He’s my friend now and we are ticking away nicely without you. There will be more watches

I just remembered I dreamt about you all last night and we had a huge fight and it really upset me. Also that boy text me

I sell shoes. For a living. At size. Oh god

Fresh kicks and heavy threads all round

I really really want to hear the whole story

Don’t worry. I would probably forgive you the theft of my first-born

Mobiles and books allowed

Boarding, no Muslims

I’m at the bus station. By myself. Taking a bus to a strange town. And everyone is starring at me

archive +3.4

I’m fully aware of every failing in me you’ve just listed but I've never sought the upper hand. I readily accept my shortcomings and I do always give my friends priority over my ego, despite what you think. Before you send me another patronising message remember all I wanted was to see you and whilst as you say I've sometimes in the past ignored you it was in jest and whenever I felt there was something truly upsetting you, I would give my utmost to relieve it. Never ignore or neglect

Some bits and pieces, but I’m sure I could squeeze into you

Sorry baby

He is here honey. But I haven’t spoken to him. He looks normal call if possible you’re always off

Call ASAP

Stay calm. Nothing disturb thee, nothing dismay, all things pass, god never changes

freddo, frais

At a party in Camberwell

I’m enjoying texting you

No. So good. How does it feel?

When

One about drugs that starts after 8

Sources confirm your new head is steaming

Sounds horrendous. See you then

archive +3.3

Speechless

My god

Steel everything you find. fight the power

You may have been living primitively but I have devolved, slapping her at the dinner table because she insisted Hitler was an evil twisted man

You in glamorous Reading yet?

What’s the name of your rabbit? Debate going on about toys

I’m cancelling my contract and won’t have e-mail access. Ill let you know if I get a special Tongan wind up computer

Got a good grip of trowerls? Planning only needs to be good enough for government work. I bought a bivy bag on e bay so I can sleep under the stars on cliffs in Cornwall

People people always people in your pictures. I wonder if its because you’re from the city of London

22nd of ague

Are you bored of digging? I almost bought you a neon orange-fringed ‘product of Greece’

She is the bain of our lives. I’m on my way to manumission, I bet she hasn’t done that this summer. What’s she saying to him?

Absolutely. I’ve got a strap on cock

I’m taking your handsome brother to the seaside on Sunday and I’m going to scare him shitless at 110mph

So, you will cuddle a dangerously hot piece of plumbing but not me.

I wonder if we have had 20minutes of peace since we met

I was in hackney whilst you were in hackney witnessing a coke binge

I’m a bit bored and apparently I don’t have many friends so I’m watching a musical called sweet charity. People keep saying I’m being weird too but I don’t believe them

I think I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for being so ugly to you since Christmas

Saw your brother the other night and he told me you weren’t too keen on the portiloos

Sounds like myspace chat. You should have know space

archive +3.2

You seem totally indifferent to my offers and interests so I’ll leave you be. Have a good summer whatever you’re doing, wherever you go

Just say goodbye and I will see you next year

Because I’m hurt. Because when I invite you out you respond with flippant crap and because the week of, what I thought was your departure, has passed silently

You probably think I’m a wining, self pitying idiot. I’m working late again today

You know I can’t feed myself

Lock me off. Supper friendly

Call, cunt

I’m so fucking bored I want to cry

Oh god

He can be annoying. I’m in Victoria having a coffee, getting stalked by polish drug dealers

No. I’m asking you questions and now only have 27p credit

archive +3.1

Just too predictable

I have recently diagnosed myself pregnosexual. I exclusively have intercourse with pregnant men and women

Pregnant not fat. No fatties. Fatties fuck off. Fuck off fatties

Please erase the ‘shit’ from the previous comment. That was unnecessary swearing

I murdered someone in saint Tropez hey hey hey

So I’m pretty in the black cap. Wow, these legs

Well, not quite I am at my bus stop trying to force myself out. It’s raining a lot

I have a splitting headache and I stink of foreigners. Oh god I just remembered that man on pills

Is it too late for me to ring your house?

It wasn’t you I wanted to speak to you

archive +3.0

2am.come down because you didn’t come down last night. Fat Sam will be there

The young and lost

The boat doesn’t leave the mooring but I might not stay late because the Ludes are playing and I’m still avoiding certain peoples.

This is a whim

Don’t do drugs, do charity work, do exercise. Do help old people across the roads, do become the leader of a local scout group, do start a neighbourhood watch campaign, do get involved in Sunday school, do be a face in a local watering hole. The bar man knows your tipel-shandy for andy, only one as you head home early to write for your local newspaper about the environment. Do change your name to Andy, carefully pull the two layers of toilet roll apart so that you double the length of each roll. Budget precisely. Everybody has to be versatile

Is it voyeurism to read other peoples texts?

They were to you. This is a whim and the last one was. The long one to him was to him. But. it was whim that I sent it to you. I thought it was a good text. And. I know you appreciate good texts. And voyerism. I’m not sure I like these short sharp sentences with full stops. It reminds me of a serial killer. You’re a serial thriller

Dying and cycling in the middle of nowhere

I’m having a drink with her having been banned from my house. Join if you want

Under the blue man group in Drury lane. come come, I want to hear about him from last night

I think you wanted my dads number. Do you mind me asking who this is?

I got some real estate here in my hand. So I bought a pack of cigarettes

archive +2.9

I had a nice time. I think ‘nice’ is a good word despite what people say. Sometimes it’s the best thing to hope for, just like ‘content’. And the brownies. They’re a dream, but I did the sweating

On the corner

Madam its in my great disappointment that I am otherwise engaged and forthwith hereafter I shall look forward to our swiftly and imminent meeting. sorry my texts are a bit formal. I don’t abbreviate

There are many reasons why; you’re funny, don’t mind the piss taken, you’re different and weird, you’re up for late night wanders and you still give me butterflies. I’m going for a swim

I’m going to Hampstead heath for the scorcher. I’ve got a hot date you see

Not the uncle. That’s for sure

You are on the list. I pulled some strings

Its over. I’m being paid to take it down

There is a very laissez faire attitude to work attendance here

Call me Sunday afternoon and perhaps we could roller disco.

I didn’t have enough lady pictures so I had to send you to the magazine, also I tried coke zero and it does retain the great taste

I was lying I’m not going anywhere. Didn’t. You. Listen. To. The. Whole. Voicemale? Typical

archive +2.8

I’m always a fan of hers. I will call her tomorrow. Tell her I love her

Seeing as most people I’m going to be dealing with are diabetic, they probably wont have great toes

Coaching

I’m back. Grafting. Labouring. Mans work.

When are you coming to this side of town

I might not sit around and wait you know

Awesome

No. They already have my aristocratic looking hands helping them. Carrying plasterboards. Come to Camberwell before Friday for pub or tea

Your choice to leave. I hope that wasn’t your bus

I bet you’re exaggerating

I had a chat with your friend at Brockwell lido today

Maybe

Of course you wouldn’t be

Well I've got the wagon

Suit yourself

I think I’m the judge of that. See you soon

archive +2.7

Sorry

Sorry I didn’t feel comfortable answering that question

Yeah, I thought about it but id rather not

Feel free to come up with another

I’m proud to be generous and sincere, but I wish I was less prone to insensitive comments and cleverer

Talk about leaving me out on a limb. Pretty harsh

I will be there

I got stuff to throw away. Is there anything you want? Lights. Desk. Books. Cushions. Ornaments

Texting in a car park or writing one word at every traffic light? He lives really near Paddington

Just remember agent orange. Chinese jacket in the wardrobe. Oh and dien bien phu

Cruising Streatham common for loving

Ok now its in capitals. IS EVERYTHING OK?

I’m going to pass tonight but save me one

Home wrecker

archive +2.6

If you find yourself lonesome and curious later, concoct a question for me

Ordering a mosquito net, writing an e mail and watching the simpsons

Pure envy. Make the most of your time with the rouge

Look it up in your Portuguese dictionary

I have such beautiful photos of you. How you don’t perspire I don’t know

Imagine this-the Internet broke the day after I got home and hasn’t been fixed yet

I’m having a bbq tomorrow and you should come unless your fake tanning yourself or modeling

Solution-tomorrow

I don’t normally do daytime meetings but i'll consider it

The play finishes at four in the morning

Who to?

archive +2.5

I had the perfect time with your rapist boots

Updates

This is your crotch?

Give it time. Not over for a while. Dead never

White. Never happens. It was the right thing to do. No regrets

Wait longer. As its just plain rude if he doesn’t. Common decency. Gosh. I just don’t get it. He will respond

And. If he don’t. Then he isn’t the golden boy. Because he has no manners. And is unkind. We will see

Getting injected. How about you?

I will let you know if I find any excitements after my jabs but the chances are I will be puking up my guts for the next three days

I just had six inoculations and the nurse made me wait in the surgery in case I went into shock and she had to restart my heart

I’m sitting in the park wearing nothing but a pair of obscenely tight boxers with avocado skins all around me and reading diabetes for dummies. That’s a pretty shocking image

Always

Starving in forest hill…worlds apart

archive +2.4

I would not mind in the slightest

I’m looking out of the window and the sky is so beautiful and the black trees and I haven’t had a cigarette for two weeks but I want one

Because I only leave my house on Mondays and my mum would cut my fingers off

No, I just thought I would say…I cant really face being friends with her though. She didn’t do anything wrong or anything but I don’t really want another constant reminder of how shit I am around me. I already have a few. I will call her in a couple of months and maybe things will be different. My mum has had an operation so I’m looking after her

I’ve dreamt of this message but sadly cant

You’ve got to give me a little more to work with

Fine. Excellent

Perhaps you didn’t hear my last comment as you slammed the red button but you can get me on my mobile

Unanimous cringe. Je sais, je sais

I processed the pictures and they look ridiculous. I used very evil lighting. I am not going to put them in the magazine. I do love them though

archive+2.3

I like to keep you guessing.

Those lovely bowls I broke, where were they from?

I’m surrounded with enemies in forest hill. My happiness is waning

Ever feel total despair/confusion/resentment over our relationship?

Yes, I struggle with it

Neither am I annoyed nor do I have a therapist. Sorry to disappoint

Whilst football brings me far more satisfaction than the average woman, I think ill have to plump for the ladies. Just so I can live up to your Impression of me

I suspect both have been done since the dawn of man and I’m not one for suppressing natural urges. Besides I wanked four times today (five soon) and played air guitar. What’s your favourite meat?

Shitting fuck I’m bored

Don’t go there. There are bombers. And they are trigger happy. They love to blow you up

No worries

I’m intrigued as to why your teeth are aching

archive +2.2

Well my kitchen smells of poo

Are you available to go to a show at the national tonight?

Don’t come to Taunton, a charter flight to hell would be more fun.

Maybe you’re in Wales drinking the finest wines available. I’ve been trying to call you but your phone has been on the brink of extinction. Apparently animals on the brink taste better than animals that weren’t

Come to Brockwelll lido

Once you go black you never go back

I want to see you. Thank you

Falling down stairs? You’re becoming unbalanced. Check your ears because I found a piece of black wax the size of a crayon in mine. I thought I was pulling my eardrum out. Oh, and the hot dog, that’s something else

I’m being paid 8 pounds an hour to put it up. I’m a cowboy builder. Incompetent

It was the most amusing evening-don’t show this to the black man beside you

I had a dream the night before last that I was so ugly, the NHS was paying for my surgery. Might raise that with my therapist-he gets bored of speaking about you

archive +2.1

Oh now, for gods sake

Lets go to Camden together and frown at each others' misdeeds

This shits fucked up, it’s far too late to be dealing with such things

I’ll let you know when I am, for no particular reason

You and your escapades. There is a big bonfire in my garden with lots of hippies singing. Earlier we had reggae and morris dancing. You wonder why I sometimes despair of this place

I’m eating toast now

No

I just heard you mate on radio1

I’ve got a date on Saturday with someone called Gareth

The usual-gin.

Hold fast to good inclinations

My answer phone message is wonderful. I’ve called myself five times today

archive +2.0

Stop milking my affection

Why don’t you sleep on it? I have my reservations about late night texts

Well that will teach you to text when you’re drunk. Wear those glasses, no one will question a thing

It’s a good word. We should, weather permitting, spend the afternoon in the park tomorrow

Then don’t leave until he is laughing. It’s unfair

I hope you’ve escaped with some dignity

Fuck that shit. We’re funny as fuck. As fuck

Thanks for coming. I’m glad you still like me

I am

archive +1.9

My room is full off stuffstuffstuff everywhere. Rainforests of paper and menageries of things that I’m not sure I want to keep but don’t deserve the bin

I can’t give you that. Ill get a section four restraining order if I have to. Stay away from my children. Your sort make me sick

In fact I demand a more thorough analysis of your emotions. I’m going to keep you guessing about my availability because I like to tease

No I wasn’t and now you’re just being nasty so I don’t want to tell you

I don’t want any association with myspace. I will tell you once you remove it

I think I hate you, I feel abused. How could you do it to me? I thought we were fond acquaintances

Why the frustration?

Why wont you tell me?

Looking forward to it

You’ve threatened it so many times its lost all meaning

archive +1.8

I thought I may stay home safe from rain and learn Elizabethan sonnets by heart

What are you doing?

Why don’t you just pick up your fucking phone instead of forcing me to send you these fucking messages.

Here

Going

Thank god

I’m there and can’t find anyone else fun

I’m a boy

I’ve never had any complaints

Reading about sewage and shopping for beds

More annoying things that I want you to do with me…

archive +1.7

I just got back from New York, I got sent over for a meeting. I’m going back on Wednesday

I just heard a chunky winky wail in the most awful fashion and thought she must be bleeding out of her eyes. Looked up and she was just happy. How sweet

I found a terrible one

The flowers go really well with my hay fever

But you don’t have to pay for it

In the middle of the night if it would help

Don’t go

Otherwise you will go and you wont be here

Go. I’m just being sentimental

Anyway

You’ve got to go now because you wanted to and if you don’t it will be like you stayed because I wanted you to and awkward and oh we better have a good old time because she stayed everyone

archive +1.6

Actually I wouldn’t. Lets be friends for life. If you die first I want to eat some of your dead body

I want rock bulge sock in my greasy anal sock

That girl with a black mans face who said you should be a porn star actually has very nice legs

I fancy him

I don’t even know who this is

Panic

It was me and my sense of humour. Sorry

Do you even know who I am? It was me that called. I thought, if she gives me a pick up friend then I would have freaked her out. It worked

Are you coming?

archive +1.5

He is here. In Gaz’s. I’m sitting at his table and I just spoke to him. I have no words

When are you going to be asleep?

Bipedalism was a fundamental step in human evolution

(check for plagiarism)-fucker. Brilliant. Made my day

Oh so mysterious and perhaps enigmatic. A touch of schizophrenia. I’m sweaty

Do you have my essay on farming?

I just saw him for the first time since he dumped me. He came over and tried to have a ‘friendly’ chat with me in the middle of the rad cam. Smooth

Now he wants to have a coffee. Wanker

Oh yes oh yes. Whose cottage? What a fabulous idea

Because you’re my friend and I like you

Bloody rude

Far too honest, hit me to the depths of my soul. I’m in a huff. You can’t be too honest, unless it’s about money. I like honesty, intensity, whatever, thriving on your newfound embracing attitude, you dirty hippy. If you don’t say how am I supposed to know. I suppose I did know you didn’t want to talk to me recently. It made me feel all tingly and naughty inside, but now you’re back

archive +1.4

Soho. He was wearing shorts

Garlic and shots. Madame Jojos.

I love shorts. I was commenting on how cool he was. Totally unlike me

He makes me shudder

Don’t be shy give it a try. Don’t be posh give us your dosh

Get to work

All I can say is that you set the standards

15 or 20

That boy. We both know his name. You must accept. And bring your hottest friend. Marvellous

So, tomorrow is world naked bike ride day. Lets give up the clothes

No idea why would we?

archive +1.3

You’re a fond acquaintance

You make up the majority of my thought collection. Not sure congratulations are in order

You have a book proving my persistence? Shows I should probably cease

For a minute there I lost myself. Apparently 59% of girls want girth

Fuck that indeed. Smoked haddock

Burning myself with cigarettes flicks me right on

You asked. No you didn’t

Your birth gave me girth

In my womb sucking on legs

God yes, sweating for a cigarette

In London? Please say you are

Just slightly lonely in this place of pretenders. Feel a big need to see someone with no hidden agenda. Thought of you and decided with a text I should send ya, this should just end a this should just end a

I met him last night. His nose isn’t so pointy but his face is round. It was the most awkward meeting. Such a shame

archive +1.2

I’m in Ireland for the next two weeks, then Norwich then Tonga until December so how about a film on the 8th? Like that for a plan

Her

Are you in London too? Oxford was beginning to scare me

I’m sorry for my bad company. It’s disgusting. Probably seeking attention or something

I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with our level of communication recently. I might even consider moving you back into my friends list

You really know how to shoot yourself in the foot. You can stay where you are

There is no fun in that. You would be pretty lonely on the friends list anyway

You know that hurts my feelings

Tough love is easier than normal

You’re rarely comfortable if I remember you correctly

archive +1.1

Are you or are you not? In London. My body aches for you

I’m sorry you don’t like them, but I’m about to call. It will be brief so brace yourself

I am but only to see you

He's coming and he wants to talk to you

I’m not coming. The music has died and I’m ill with my stomach

They chose to live in such frosty conditions

You deserve it for sending me obscenely cryptic late night messages

A mix of derailed excitement and sobering upset. So absolutely fine. I prefer you as a topic and I don’t think I’m alone in that

As I said, it’s a pleasure to be of assistance. And yes it’s a close community, everyone’s sound

Big brother eviction and a trip to the ritzy

archive +1.0

I’m happy your mime act is going well. You should charge

I say you instead of your. It is hell but I have cotton wool

The bar by the port, you cock. I dislike the way you don’t remember it

I’m really busy, about to get laid

The phone in the hand is actually getting a little awkward

I’m in the rad cam, feeling sorry

Try again; there is now space on my phone

I have just beaten you in awkwardness. A very beautiful old man just asked me out and all I said was ‘fine’. I then proceeded with a comment bout how awkward it was. Nice touch

I had missed you more than I knew

Ill be there but I don’t know where it gets in

I could cry. Someone just sent shocking photos of me sent from last night. I’m not going to leave my house

I will leave food in the hall

Why do you never answer the phone?

archive +0.9

I will punish you if you have cruel motives

Time just slips away when I’m thinking of you. How does it feel to be desired?

You’re most welcome. I’ve been speaking with one of his mates and I think we've got something he will appreciate. I’m open from 12 on Monday

I want some cake and I want some you as soon as you have a minute

Have you still got my vitamins?

On the train, happy. I brought the metal detector for your pleasure and for mine. I should be back pretty soon, pretty one

In your room?

It’s a winner, come at once

We are going to somewhere that used to be a Chinese brothel

We are at the bar where that man had long greasy grey hair

I’m going to nip this in the bud, give him a fucking kicking. Will you be up in 28 minutes?

archive +0.8

Maybe

It’s not for me

Don’t look at my trousers if you come

Do you want to come and get some reading material to fuel your fire? You can vent it all on me like a cruise missile to a refugee camp

The books were meant to lure you in

No then, you are a horrible person, you impress your distorted view on those around you, embroil them in your malicious web and then spit shit them dead of your poison

Shit. I forgot

Sorry man

Do you want to come a play chair races?

Yeah, we’re walking around anyway

Why do you want to know?

I’m not telling. You can’t mess about on it. People use it for serious work. I don’t want you being silly

archive +0.7

I want to taste your risotto and become part of you. The director and you are smouldering

Come and live with me. Leave oxford. We could make a life together

I’m fucking seething with annoyance. Reading the American scientific journals. Come along and I could get angry with you. If you are actually bothered, you know I wouldn’t

You fucking whore

I wasn’t asking, I was telling

Let me sniff it

Now

Where would you make love if you were homeless?

I’ve just had an inexplicable surge of love for you. Is it because I’m driving past then Maudsley?

For god’s sake stop being stupid and get the fuck over here

Come over or don’t but I can promise you we all you want you to. Its fun despite the fact that I’m texting you which would suggest it isn’t

I’m in bed now and feeling sorry. I wonder whether she would get on with him

archive +0.6

More cigarettes for you

So beautifully sad, like raindrops in heaven, running off Jesus head on the cross and mixing with tears and blood into a white waterfall thats been frozen but its not cold, just lye still and I can see it all, flying around it and emotion pouring out of every pore and then I wake up from a coma and take the first breath without life support and you’re there and eastern glow is in my head. Where are you?

We are embarking on an epic journey to the centre of indie hell. I have a cough-glitter inhalation. He has a food baby, she has issues and I saw that boy wearing a suit in mc Donald’s. The world has gone mad. He asked ‘where is she?’

Asshole

Wrong extension number. Jesus you make it hard

I’m praying for it to rain in the next hour

We have a bone practical in the morning. I will wake you

I can hear you

I’m always happy to see you just don’t bring that boy to my room. Now, come downstairs and pop your head round my door so I can see your pretty face

archive +0.5

Do you know why lots of early civilizations formed in desserts?

Looks like you may earn enough for a foreign visit

I have to tell you about Gandhi

In the womb or the bar

I’m having a strange conversation. So rude to text while in the presence of others. Fuck them

Safety pins are not too strong. They hold my life together and ill never say never and ill never say never again

High on knife

archive +0.4

What, preach?

The only reason we are here is for you two and the reason we do so much is so we don’t feel sad not to be with our wonderful children all the time. Call me at any time, in the dead of the night or five in the morning

You are completely brilliant. That’s exactly what I've decided

Dear little Chinese girl in the café just sat down with four red apples

And I do understand that sometimes Neanderthals can be boring

Could you also get me a few bananas please?

I’m pathetic. I just spied him so I’m hiding at the back of a shop

Have you finished with the bones?

I’m trying to read about Neanderthals. I’m becoming allergic to the bastards. Sleepless in Stanstead eating cheesecake, thinking of freckles and ginger hair

archive +0.3

Fucking cleaners have been messing with our rooms again while we've been out. We are ‘upsetting’ them apparently and she told me I was going down hill

So, how big and cool is this party tonight

Please come

I’m not seeing any of your passport pictures

I’ve always wanted to go to Kew. You should have invited me

I just didn’t have a clue what you were saying. Sorry

There is no consolation here. Bribe him not to tell. Do anything. Anything

Do you have pictures of anyone else in there? Just say it’s artistic

Go on gut instincts please because they usually work

At least hell would be something proper. No half arsed crap. If you never wanted anything it would be pain free but that would be dull. This whole situation is crap

archive +0.2

This cigarette doesn’t even taste good without you lovingly stare at me while I smoke it

Don’t patronize me. We all know I’m not funny. I hope you’re happy now

In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, but two minus one equals nothing

That was mean, its true. Call me before you go to London

You disappeared so fast

I was going to do that, I wanted to add one or two of backs of heads in with them all, but it wasn’t me

Sorry for being obnoxious today, I will have calmed down by the time you’re back

I’m also collecting short video clips of natural hair partings and some are faked. We should make a video together

Love him from a distance. Nothing worse than the torment of love unsatisfied than the torment of love satisfied

You really liked him didn’t you? It’s hard for the centre of your life and reason for your make up to go

He hugged me, smiled, hugged. Smiled, hugged and then said he wouldn’t see me for a while

Just seen a woman you’ll look like when you’re 60

archive +0.1

Thanks. We need Imagination

Could have just been an awkward day for him. Persevere

I’m in the library

Read for a bit, then photocopy

Same level as before

How is the stencil collection coming along?

The virgin conceived by a bird in her ear. She may advise you to go to the park and molest ducks. Believe fervently that Friday was just a bad day for him. Or was he nervous? Anyway, a bloody virgin isn’t the best one to pray to in such a situation

I want to hear your voice. language language language. Just went to run run run. I suddenly got really excited. I’m loving my brain full of neurons and more more more synapses all firing at my computer. I want them to be firing at you though

On the bus feeling sorry

Double the pleasure, double the slave labour

archive 0.0

I’m up. Are you out?

Panic

I was calling for no reason. It didn’t even cross my mind about your…disability

I don’t know what you’re talking about

I went to my mum and dads at the weekend and brought back some passport photos but don’t know how to categorize them. What do you think?

I can’t think of anything to write

You are the rainbow of happiness peaking through the clouds of my malcontent existence. That means that you make me happy

I have no password now

Can I call you just quickly, I have something archaeological to ask you

Well your hands weren't shaking enough to stop you texting. That’s good. Saliva contains many bacteria of its own, specific to the individuals DNA. I’m going out to the pavements to see some examples

Good or bad

What on earth happened that could be that bad. Come to the café

Come out to the park and we can look at the buttercups from really low down and the tress behind the clouds and the breathing

archive 0.1

Yes you did

Two funnies in a row, not bad for you

I was about to say the hat trick was beyond you and I was right

Yes yes and I like to plan

Definitely not marriage material

Strapping Polynesians who can cradle me to sleep whilst in a kava induced coma

Oh for gods sake

I giggled like a little baby

No I wasn’t. Or was I? Maybe not actually. Maybe. No. No. I wasn’t

No

Of course you are

I will think of some words

Still living the dream?

Yeah, I reckon so. ‘Do you like white wine?’ Something like that

arcive 0.2

You’re so predictable

I just thought I may hear from you tonight and was happy that I did

Sorry sorry. Can I sleep in your room? Arguments. Fuck

Cool man that’s groovy shit

Check your e-mail some time. Ok

It's on the car you retard. My friend has a vinyl cutter

Why? Do you prefer the subtle approach?

Ill try better next time

I need some more time

I spy her in the shelf next to a book on fishbourne. She wants me to come say hello

Guess where I bought a house today?

It’s on the number 3 route

Yes, having spent the entire first year coming home to see you I’m going to crawl across the country for your amusement

You’re going to have to explain that last sentence

archive 0.3

I think death is better than being photographed in shorts. Lets pretend we’re in London. They can pick up the kit from outside my door

She chopped off some of my desk but of course capital a art is more important

God, I heard him really loudly saying ‘I’m just such a nice guy’. What a wanker

But I don’t want stale ryvita and fruit

Rape fields

You better hide too, especially around 5

I live under my desk

I hope that was again a nice sarcastic comment otherwise you’ve just got me worried

It should be

It’s a bit horrible, hurt around the eyes and feel sick but I can’t let her leave when she is so upset

archive 0.4

I made a new myspace friend. One of yours. She is doing men’s fashion or some such. We are going to exchange stories. I met a friend from my old boys school. First one I've seen in seven years. We both agreed that middle England was too boring for us

He just said, what if there's a girl with a fucking huge hoof and a seeping vulva

He can be disgusting sometimes

I got in

Pay your bills now

Your birthday card I sent you two months ago just cam back through my doors. It is as hot as Greece today

Where the fuck are you?

Could I eat with you?

Three weeks until the next trial

I was so ashamed of my behaviour I agreed to meet him for a coffee

archive 0.5

Slut

Just confirm for me that you’re not the person under the tube in oval. Stupid and irrational, but I have to check

No meat to be found anywhere. Crazy Indians, iron levels low. Keep breathing

Orange is welcoming me to talk

You left me

I’m actually worried about you

I got hypnotized by it and melted. If I don’t speak while I listen then he will just blur

Your texts are so cryptic. Always

We are friends

Clockwork orange

Homo habilis

You featured in my dream last night. We were walking around a forest pushing down the trees that were dead. Must have been you’re idea

He is texting me in a friendly manner. I guess he thinks we are ‘friends’, but I thought that was a euphemism for ‘I don’t want to see you ever again’.

Smoking shisha. Watching the sunset. Lots of pop bellied dancers

archive 0.6

You can come and stand inline with me at the Tongan high commission

They were too formal. Bye

Do it all. Text him twice. Flirty? Shamelessly

You should, his nose isn’t even that pointy

They are all hugging and crying. It’s making me feel sick

The point of the story is that its very unremarkable and all the exciting stuff happened to other people. Lots of nearlies. Lots of almosts

I’m walking Soho like a lovesick pigeon. Heart broken

Can I be you for tonight?

That was a joke. Keep up

I felt so sick last night with paper all over my floor. I have to learn all this paper. I just want everyone to enjoy chips and cigarettes. He says that is idealising stupidity

Lying in London reading about gay school boys and that type of thing

There are some absolute fuckers singing tuneless Hindi songs

Look what we’ve got ourselves into

archive 0.7

The Charles Bridge in an hour?

He has bingo fever

Sorry for not being at your beck and call for once, I was doing one of those annoying things in my life that stops me staring at my phone waiting for you

This place is a hole. At least he scored. I fear we may have lost him forever

Your brother just sent me a kiss.

The doors of perception are open. I quote ‘lets be hedonistic, flirtatious…’. I guarantee solidarity if you’re up for it

I’m no longer your midnight saviour

Replace them with six foot, fifteen stone Neolithic cannibals

I like it abrupt

You Hockney whore, come to fucking Waterloo

I promise not to hide when I’m home

It’s slightly boring to explain by text. Fucked on sunshine and tea and wind farms and clouds. A deaf person just shouted and I got a warm little rush of adrenalin in my chest if you must know. Mince says I never understood him or the disjunctive nature of society. He also wants to know the moral and ethical justifications for drinking

archive 0.8

I increasingly find it difficult to see why we are alive, where meaning lies, what suffering does, whether beauty is mere invention to make us forget

But isn’t what you call soul invented?

What a bore you are

What a horrible question, I don’t tend to heap shame on myself. When was the last time you cried?

Ill leave you with thoughts of long sweaty nights on a pacific island with palm leaves rustling above your head, waves gently splashing on the beach outside and a very brown boy gently kissing you.

You should listen to Tosca

I’ve felt so happy for such a long time and the only thing in my life I find unsatisfying is my relationship with you.

How is Greenwich with her better?

It’s just a bit hurtful to ignore someone when they have clearly gone out on a limb. Lesson learnt

I just got rid of all my pubes-front and back

archive 0.9

Good luck with the fresh start

Shut up, you’re lying

There is really something about you that I cant put my finger on

Coming to wander in a big city all alone, watch the multitude pass, feel one with the world and the like

Abortion is a big thing even if you get a doctor to do it

I got a big problem - bomb threats at waterloo

You sound Impatient. It’s at the Crown Court

I’m being force fed pasta.

I’ve just seen king David walking over Waterloo Bridge. In his fight for repatriation he has acquired a new statue of the queen on wheels, wearing a yellow anorak. She is also wearing a swastika and learner badge