archive +2.5

I had the perfect time with your rapist boots

Updates

This is your crotch?

Give it time. Not over for a while. Dead never

White. Never happens. It was the right thing to do. No regrets

Wait longer. As its just plain rude if he doesn’t. Common decency. Gosh. I just don’t get it. He will respond

And. If he don’t. Then he isn’t the golden boy. Because he has no manners. And is unkind. We will see

Getting injected. How about you?

I will let you know if I find any excitements after my jabs but the chances are I will be puking up my guts for the next three days

I just had six inoculations and the nurse made me wait in the surgery in case I went into shock and she had to restart my heart

I’m sitting in the park wearing nothing but a pair of obscenely tight boxers with avocado skins all around me and reading diabetes for dummies. That’s a pretty shocking image

Always

Starving in forest hill…worlds apart

archive +2.4

I would not mind in the slightest

I’m looking out of the window and the sky is so beautiful and the black trees and I haven’t had a cigarette for two weeks but I want one

Because I only leave my house on Mondays and my mum would cut my fingers off

No, I just thought I would say…I cant really face being friends with her though. She didn’t do anything wrong or anything but I don’t really want another constant reminder of how shit I am around me. I already have a few. I will call her in a couple of months and maybe things will be different. My mum has had an operation so I’m looking after her

I’ve dreamt of this message but sadly cant

You’ve got to give me a little more to work with

Fine. Excellent

Perhaps you didn’t hear my last comment as you slammed the red button but you can get me on my mobile

Unanimous cringe. Je sais, je sais

I processed the pictures and they look ridiculous. I used very evil lighting. I am not going to put them in the magazine. I do love them though

archive+2.3

I like to keep you guessing.

Those lovely bowls I broke, where were they from?

I’m surrounded with enemies in forest hill. My happiness is waning

Ever feel total despair/confusion/resentment over our relationship?

Yes, I struggle with it

Neither am I annoyed nor do I have a therapist. Sorry to disappoint

Whilst football brings me far more satisfaction than the average woman, I think ill have to plump for the ladies. Just so I can live up to your Impression of me

I suspect both have been done since the dawn of man and I’m not one for suppressing natural urges. Besides I wanked four times today (five soon) and played air guitar. What’s your favourite meat?

Shitting fuck I’m bored

Don’t go there. There are bombers. And they are trigger happy. They love to blow you up

No worries

I’m intrigued as to why your teeth are aching

archive +2.2

Well my kitchen smells of poo

Are you available to go to a show at the national tonight?

Don’t come to Taunton, a charter flight to hell would be more fun.

Maybe you’re in Wales drinking the finest wines available. I’ve been trying to call you but your phone has been on the brink of extinction. Apparently animals on the brink taste better than animals that weren’t

Come to Brockwelll lido

Once you go black you never go back

I want to see you. Thank you

Falling down stairs? You’re becoming unbalanced. Check your ears because I found a piece of black wax the size of a crayon in mine. I thought I was pulling my eardrum out. Oh, and the hot dog, that’s something else

I’m being paid 8 pounds an hour to put it up. I’m a cowboy builder. Incompetent

It was the most amusing evening-don’t show this to the black man beside you

I had a dream the night before last that I was so ugly, the NHS was paying for my surgery. Might raise that with my therapist-he gets bored of speaking about you

archive +2.1

Oh now, for gods sake

Lets go to Camden together and frown at each others' misdeeds

This shits fucked up, it’s far too late to be dealing with such things

I’ll let you know when I am, for no particular reason

You and your escapades. There is a big bonfire in my garden with lots of hippies singing. Earlier we had reggae and morris dancing. You wonder why I sometimes despair of this place

I’m eating toast now

No

I just heard you mate on radio1

I’ve got a date on Saturday with someone called Gareth

The usual-gin.

Hold fast to good inclinations

My answer phone message is wonderful. I’ve called myself five times today

archive +2.0

Stop milking my affection

Why don’t you sleep on it? I have my reservations about late night texts

Well that will teach you to text when you’re drunk. Wear those glasses, no one will question a thing

It’s a good word. We should, weather permitting, spend the afternoon in the park tomorrow

Then don’t leave until he is laughing. It’s unfair

I hope you’ve escaped with some dignity

Fuck that shit. We’re funny as fuck. As fuck

Thanks for coming. I’m glad you still like me

I am

archive +1.9

My room is full off stuffstuffstuff everywhere. Rainforests of paper and menageries of things that I’m not sure I want to keep but don’t deserve the bin

I can’t give you that. Ill get a section four restraining order if I have to. Stay away from my children. Your sort make me sick

In fact I demand a more thorough analysis of your emotions. I’m going to keep you guessing about my availability because I like to tease

No I wasn’t and now you’re just being nasty so I don’t want to tell you

I don’t want any association with myspace. I will tell you once you remove it

I think I hate you, I feel abused. How could you do it to me? I thought we were fond acquaintances

Why the frustration?

Why wont you tell me?

Looking forward to it

You’ve threatened it so many times its lost all meaning

archive +1.8

I thought I may stay home safe from rain and learn Elizabethan sonnets by heart

What are you doing?

Why don’t you just pick up your fucking phone instead of forcing me to send you these fucking messages.

Here

Going

Thank god

I’m there and can’t find anyone else fun

I’m a boy

I’ve never had any complaints

Reading about sewage and shopping for beds

More annoying things that I want you to do with me…

archive +1.7

I just got back from New York, I got sent over for a meeting. I’m going back on Wednesday

I just heard a chunky winky wail in the most awful fashion and thought she must be bleeding out of her eyes. Looked up and she was just happy. How sweet

I found a terrible one

The flowers go really well with my hay fever

But you don’t have to pay for it

In the middle of the night if it would help

Don’t go

Otherwise you will go and you wont be here

Go. I’m just being sentimental

Anyway

You’ve got to go now because you wanted to and if you don’t it will be like you stayed because I wanted you to and awkward and oh we better have a good old time because she stayed everyone

archive +1.6

Actually I wouldn’t. Lets be friends for life. If you die first I want to eat some of your dead body

I want rock bulge sock in my greasy anal sock

That girl with a black mans face who said you should be a porn star actually has very nice legs

I fancy him

I don’t even know who this is

Panic

It was me and my sense of humour. Sorry

Do you even know who I am? It was me that called. I thought, if she gives me a pick up friend then I would have freaked her out. It worked

Are you coming?

archive +1.5

He is here. In Gaz’s. I’m sitting at his table and I just spoke to him. I have no words

When are you going to be asleep?

Bipedalism was a fundamental step in human evolution

(check for plagiarism)-fucker. Brilliant. Made my day

Oh so mysterious and perhaps enigmatic. A touch of schizophrenia. I’m sweaty

Do you have my essay on farming?

I just saw him for the first time since he dumped me. He came over and tried to have a ‘friendly’ chat with me in the middle of the rad cam. Smooth

Now he wants to have a coffee. Wanker

Oh yes oh yes. Whose cottage? What a fabulous idea

Because you’re my friend and I like you

Bloody rude

Far too honest, hit me to the depths of my soul. I’m in a huff. You can’t be too honest, unless it’s about money. I like honesty, intensity, whatever, thriving on your newfound embracing attitude, you dirty hippy. If you don’t say how am I supposed to know. I suppose I did know you didn’t want to talk to me recently. It made me feel all tingly and naughty inside, but now you’re back

archive +1.4

Soho. He was wearing shorts

Garlic and shots. Madame Jojos.

I love shorts. I was commenting on how cool he was. Totally unlike me

He makes me shudder

Don’t be shy give it a try. Don’t be posh give us your dosh

Get to work

All I can say is that you set the standards

15 or 20

That boy. We both know his name. You must accept. And bring your hottest friend. Marvellous

So, tomorrow is world naked bike ride day. Lets give up the clothes

No idea why would we?

archive +1.3

You’re a fond acquaintance

You make up the majority of my thought collection. Not sure congratulations are in order

You have a book proving my persistence? Shows I should probably cease

For a minute there I lost myself. Apparently 59% of girls want girth

Fuck that indeed. Smoked haddock

Burning myself with cigarettes flicks me right on

You asked. No you didn’t

Your birth gave me girth

In my womb sucking on legs

God yes, sweating for a cigarette

In London? Please say you are

Just slightly lonely in this place of pretenders. Feel a big need to see someone with no hidden agenda. Thought of you and decided with a text I should send ya, this should just end a this should just end a

I met him last night. His nose isn’t so pointy but his face is round. It was the most awkward meeting. Such a shame

archive +1.2

I’m in Ireland for the next two weeks, then Norwich then Tonga until December so how about a film on the 8th? Like that for a plan

Her

Are you in London too? Oxford was beginning to scare me

I’m sorry for my bad company. It’s disgusting. Probably seeking attention or something

I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with our level of communication recently. I might even consider moving you back into my friends list

You really know how to shoot yourself in the foot. You can stay where you are

There is no fun in that. You would be pretty lonely on the friends list anyway

You know that hurts my feelings

Tough love is easier than normal

You’re rarely comfortable if I remember you correctly

archive +1.1

Are you or are you not? In London. My body aches for you

I’m sorry you don’t like them, but I’m about to call. It will be brief so brace yourself

I am but only to see you

He's coming and he wants to talk to you

I’m not coming. The music has died and I’m ill with my stomach

They chose to live in such frosty conditions

You deserve it for sending me obscenely cryptic late night messages

A mix of derailed excitement and sobering upset. So absolutely fine. I prefer you as a topic and I don’t think I’m alone in that

As I said, it’s a pleasure to be of assistance. And yes it’s a close community, everyone’s sound

Big brother eviction and a trip to the ritzy

archive +1.0

I’m happy your mime act is going well. You should charge

I say you instead of your. It is hell but I have cotton wool

The bar by the port, you cock. I dislike the way you don’t remember it

I’m really busy, about to get laid

The phone in the hand is actually getting a little awkward

I’m in the rad cam, feeling sorry

Try again; there is now space on my phone

I have just beaten you in awkwardness. A very beautiful old man just asked me out and all I said was ‘fine’. I then proceeded with a comment bout how awkward it was. Nice touch

I had missed you more than I knew

Ill be there but I don’t know where it gets in

I could cry. Someone just sent shocking photos of me sent from last night. I’m not going to leave my house

I will leave food in the hall

Why do you never answer the phone?

archive +0.9

I will punish you if you have cruel motives

Time just slips away when I’m thinking of you. How does it feel to be desired?

You’re most welcome. I’ve been speaking with one of his mates and I think we've got something he will appreciate. I’m open from 12 on Monday

I want some cake and I want some you as soon as you have a minute

Have you still got my vitamins?

On the train, happy. I brought the metal detector for your pleasure and for mine. I should be back pretty soon, pretty one

In your room?

It’s a winner, come at once

We are going to somewhere that used to be a Chinese brothel

We are at the bar where that man had long greasy grey hair

I’m going to nip this in the bud, give him a fucking kicking. Will you be up in 28 minutes?

archive +0.8

Maybe

It’s not for me

Don’t look at my trousers if you come

Do you want to come and get some reading material to fuel your fire? You can vent it all on me like a cruise missile to a refugee camp

The books were meant to lure you in

No then, you are a horrible person, you impress your distorted view on those around you, embroil them in your malicious web and then spit shit them dead of your poison

Shit. I forgot

Sorry man

Do you want to come a play chair races?

Yeah, we’re walking around anyway

Why do you want to know?

I’m not telling. You can’t mess about on it. People use it for serious work. I don’t want you being silly

archive +0.7

I want to taste your risotto and become part of you. The director and you are smouldering

Come and live with me. Leave oxford. We could make a life together

I’m fucking seething with annoyance. Reading the American scientific journals. Come along and I could get angry with you. If you are actually bothered, you know I wouldn’t

You fucking whore

I wasn’t asking, I was telling

Let me sniff it

Now

Where would you make love if you were homeless?

I’ve just had an inexplicable surge of love for you. Is it because I’m driving past then Maudsley?

For god’s sake stop being stupid and get the fuck over here

Come over or don’t but I can promise you we all you want you to. Its fun despite the fact that I’m texting you which would suggest it isn’t

I’m in bed now and feeling sorry. I wonder whether she would get on with him

archive +0.6

More cigarettes for you

So beautifully sad, like raindrops in heaven, running off Jesus head on the cross and mixing with tears and blood into a white waterfall thats been frozen but its not cold, just lye still and I can see it all, flying around it and emotion pouring out of every pore and then I wake up from a coma and take the first breath without life support and you’re there and eastern glow is in my head. Where are you?

We are embarking on an epic journey to the centre of indie hell. I have a cough-glitter inhalation. He has a food baby, she has issues and I saw that boy wearing a suit in mc Donald’s. The world has gone mad. He asked ‘where is she?’

Asshole

Wrong extension number. Jesus you make it hard

I’m praying for it to rain in the next hour

We have a bone practical in the morning. I will wake you

I can hear you

I’m always happy to see you just don’t bring that boy to my room. Now, come downstairs and pop your head round my door so I can see your pretty face

archive +0.5

Do you know why lots of early civilizations formed in desserts?

Looks like you may earn enough for a foreign visit

I have to tell you about Gandhi

In the womb or the bar

I’m having a strange conversation. So rude to text while in the presence of others. Fuck them

Safety pins are not too strong. They hold my life together and ill never say never and ill never say never again

High on knife

archive +0.4

What, preach?

The only reason we are here is for you two and the reason we do so much is so we don’t feel sad not to be with our wonderful children all the time. Call me at any time, in the dead of the night or five in the morning

You are completely brilliant. That’s exactly what I've decided

Dear little Chinese girl in the café just sat down with four red apples

And I do understand that sometimes Neanderthals can be boring

Could you also get me a few bananas please?

I’m pathetic. I just spied him so I’m hiding at the back of a shop

Have you finished with the bones?

I’m trying to read about Neanderthals. I’m becoming allergic to the bastards. Sleepless in Stanstead eating cheesecake, thinking of freckles and ginger hair

archive +0.3

Fucking cleaners have been messing with our rooms again while we've been out. We are ‘upsetting’ them apparently and she told me I was going down hill

So, how big and cool is this party tonight

Please come

I’m not seeing any of your passport pictures

I’ve always wanted to go to Kew. You should have invited me

I just didn’t have a clue what you were saying. Sorry

There is no consolation here. Bribe him not to tell. Do anything. Anything

Do you have pictures of anyone else in there? Just say it’s artistic

Go on gut instincts please because they usually work

At least hell would be something proper. No half arsed crap. If you never wanted anything it would be pain free but that would be dull. This whole situation is crap

archive +0.2

This cigarette doesn’t even taste good without you lovingly stare at me while I smoke it

Don’t patronize me. We all know I’m not funny. I hope you’re happy now

In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, but two minus one equals nothing

That was mean, its true. Call me before you go to London

You disappeared so fast

I was going to do that, I wanted to add one or two of backs of heads in with them all, but it wasn’t me

Sorry for being obnoxious today, I will have calmed down by the time you’re back

I’m also collecting short video clips of natural hair partings and some are faked. We should make a video together

Love him from a distance. Nothing worse than the torment of love unsatisfied than the torment of love satisfied

You really liked him didn’t you? It’s hard for the centre of your life and reason for your make up to go

He hugged me, smiled, hugged. Smiled, hugged and then said he wouldn’t see me for a while

Just seen a woman you’ll look like when you’re 60

archive +0.1

Thanks. We need Imagination

Could have just been an awkward day for him. Persevere

I’m in the library

Read for a bit, then photocopy

Same level as before

How is the stencil collection coming along?

The virgin conceived by a bird in her ear. She may advise you to go to the park and molest ducks. Believe fervently that Friday was just a bad day for him. Or was he nervous? Anyway, a bloody virgin isn’t the best one to pray to in such a situation

I want to hear your voice. language language language. Just went to run run run. I suddenly got really excited. I’m loving my brain full of neurons and more more more synapses all firing at my computer. I want them to be firing at you though

On the bus feeling sorry

Double the pleasure, double the slave labour

archive 0.0

I’m up. Are you out?

Panic

I was calling for no reason. It didn’t even cross my mind about your…disability

I don’t know what you’re talking about

I went to my mum and dads at the weekend and brought back some passport photos but don’t know how to categorize them. What do you think?

I can’t think of anything to write

You are the rainbow of happiness peaking through the clouds of my malcontent existence. That means that you make me happy

I have no password now

Can I call you just quickly, I have something archaeological to ask you

Well your hands weren't shaking enough to stop you texting. That’s good. Saliva contains many bacteria of its own, specific to the individuals DNA. I’m going out to the pavements to see some examples

Good or bad

What on earth happened that could be that bad. Come to the café

Come out to the park and we can look at the buttercups from really low down and the tress behind the clouds and the breathing

archive 0.1

Yes you did

Two funnies in a row, not bad for you

I was about to say the hat trick was beyond you and I was right

Yes yes and I like to plan

Definitely not marriage material

Strapping Polynesians who can cradle me to sleep whilst in a kava induced coma

Oh for gods sake

I giggled like a little baby

No I wasn’t. Or was I? Maybe not actually. Maybe. No. No. I wasn’t

No

Of course you are

I will think of some words

Still living the dream?

Yeah, I reckon so. ‘Do you like white wine?’ Something like that

arcive 0.2

You’re so predictable

I just thought I may hear from you tonight and was happy that I did

Sorry sorry. Can I sleep in your room? Arguments. Fuck

Cool man that’s groovy shit

Check your e-mail some time. Ok

It's on the car you retard. My friend has a vinyl cutter

Why? Do you prefer the subtle approach?

Ill try better next time

I need some more time

I spy her in the shelf next to a book on fishbourne. She wants me to come say hello

Guess where I bought a house today?

It’s on the number 3 route

Yes, having spent the entire first year coming home to see you I’m going to crawl across the country for your amusement

You’re going to have to explain that last sentence

archive 0.3

I think death is better than being photographed in shorts. Lets pretend we’re in London. They can pick up the kit from outside my door

She chopped off some of my desk but of course capital a art is more important

God, I heard him really loudly saying ‘I’m just such a nice guy’. What a wanker

But I don’t want stale ryvita and fruit

Rape fields

You better hide too, especially around 5

I live under my desk

I hope that was again a nice sarcastic comment otherwise you’ve just got me worried

It should be

It’s a bit horrible, hurt around the eyes and feel sick but I can’t let her leave when she is so upset

archive 0.4

I made a new myspace friend. One of yours. She is doing men’s fashion or some such. We are going to exchange stories. I met a friend from my old boys school. First one I've seen in seven years. We both agreed that middle England was too boring for us

He just said, what if there's a girl with a fucking huge hoof and a seeping vulva

He can be disgusting sometimes

I got in

Pay your bills now

Your birthday card I sent you two months ago just cam back through my doors. It is as hot as Greece today

Where the fuck are you?

Could I eat with you?

Three weeks until the next trial

I was so ashamed of my behaviour I agreed to meet him for a coffee

archive 0.5

Slut

Just confirm for me that you’re not the person under the tube in oval. Stupid and irrational, but I have to check

No meat to be found anywhere. Crazy Indians, iron levels low. Keep breathing

Orange is welcoming me to talk

You left me

I’m actually worried about you

I got hypnotized by it and melted. If I don’t speak while I listen then he will just blur

Your texts are so cryptic. Always

We are friends

Clockwork orange

Homo habilis

You featured in my dream last night. We were walking around a forest pushing down the trees that were dead. Must have been you’re idea

He is texting me in a friendly manner. I guess he thinks we are ‘friends’, but I thought that was a euphemism for ‘I don’t want to see you ever again’.

Smoking shisha. Watching the sunset. Lots of pop bellied dancers

archive 0.6

You can come and stand inline with me at the Tongan high commission

They were too formal. Bye

Do it all. Text him twice. Flirty? Shamelessly

You should, his nose isn’t even that pointy

They are all hugging and crying. It’s making me feel sick

The point of the story is that its very unremarkable and all the exciting stuff happened to other people. Lots of nearlies. Lots of almosts

I’m walking Soho like a lovesick pigeon. Heart broken

Can I be you for tonight?

That was a joke. Keep up

I felt so sick last night with paper all over my floor. I have to learn all this paper. I just want everyone to enjoy chips and cigarettes. He says that is idealising stupidity

Lying in London reading about gay school boys and that type of thing

There are some absolute fuckers singing tuneless Hindi songs

Look what we’ve got ourselves into

archive 0.7

The Charles Bridge in an hour?

He has bingo fever

Sorry for not being at your beck and call for once, I was doing one of those annoying things in my life that stops me staring at my phone waiting for you

This place is a hole. At least he scored. I fear we may have lost him forever

Your brother just sent me a kiss.

The doors of perception are open. I quote ‘lets be hedonistic, flirtatious…’. I guarantee solidarity if you’re up for it

I’m no longer your midnight saviour

Replace them with six foot, fifteen stone Neolithic cannibals

I like it abrupt

You Hockney whore, come to fucking Waterloo

I promise not to hide when I’m home

It’s slightly boring to explain by text. Fucked on sunshine and tea and wind farms and clouds. A deaf person just shouted and I got a warm little rush of adrenalin in my chest if you must know. Mince says I never understood him or the disjunctive nature of society. He also wants to know the moral and ethical justifications for drinking

archive 0.8

I increasingly find it difficult to see why we are alive, where meaning lies, what suffering does, whether beauty is mere invention to make us forget

But isn’t what you call soul invented?

What a bore you are

What a horrible question, I don’t tend to heap shame on myself. When was the last time you cried?

Ill leave you with thoughts of long sweaty nights on a pacific island with palm leaves rustling above your head, waves gently splashing on the beach outside and a very brown boy gently kissing you.

You should listen to Tosca

I’ve felt so happy for such a long time and the only thing in my life I find unsatisfying is my relationship with you.

How is Greenwich with her better?

It’s just a bit hurtful to ignore someone when they have clearly gone out on a limb. Lesson learnt

I just got rid of all my pubes-front and back

archive 0.9

Good luck with the fresh start

Shut up, you’re lying

There is really something about you that I cant put my finger on

Coming to wander in a big city all alone, watch the multitude pass, feel one with the world and the like

Abortion is a big thing even if you get a doctor to do it

I got a big problem - bomb threats at waterloo

You sound Impatient. It’s at the Crown Court

I’m being force fed pasta.

I’ve just seen king David walking over Waterloo Bridge. In his fight for repatriation he has acquired a new statue of the queen on wheels, wearing a yellow anorak. She is also wearing a swastika and learner badge

archive 1.0

Ill be anywhere you want

Not so fast. Ask me a question

Violation of human rights

Being alone with books and flowers
I’ve gone Goth

Sometimes I forget how weird you are

Working behind the bar made me writhe with sorrow to see the cruel emptiness that fills peoples lives and the desperation to fill it.

I don’t understand how you manage to construe my comments about the human condition as undermining to your feelings. I admire your capacity for honesty

My parents have redecorated my room and removed all but a few strands of bubblegum from my bed. The end is nigh

Your youthful exuberance is cute

Did you not gather that from the messages?

He's going with a group of manly hunks. I think he would relish your presence

Jesus Christ. On the cross

I was disappointed we didn’t kiss more. There is a difference between two people who have sex and two people who kiss and have sex.

Fortune favours the brave

archive 1.1

About the most depressing place I have ever been. Lasted about seven minutes

Passed a deserted pair of trainers. It would seem you weren’t the only person to have lost your shoes last night

He keeps bright green frogs

Check the dictionary

It’s a big car

So fucked, I just kicked a courgette

We’re not going to wake up, that’s for damn sure

Last year of your age of innocence

You have my space. Conformist bitch

My room, five o clock

There is a Somalian on my bus finger-eating a yogurt

Think of the drugs we could be taking, pent up with the sexual frustration

I hope you’re flying around with lightness and joy

I fed some of your brownie to him, the chef. He said it was exquisite then said ‘I used to walk round looking for food in Covent Garden with her’.

We are drinking coke and smoking. Thinking of you wistfully

Pardon?

I want to go to Japan, learn Japanese, go shopping in Tokyo. With you

archive 1.2

Sun over the chimneys. Witchcraft. Money spider on my hand. Hats with gleeful tourists. New benches need weathering

It was ethereal. I didn’t go running

Do you have bruises?

I have recently had an orgasm. Wanting to keep you in the loop

Oh god I shall be punished for that

I am so sorry for my weak willed behaviour last night

I’m quite sure she is madly in love with me. I’m on the dreaded B-U-S, on terribly good form

Come by for coke and cigarettes if you please

I am listening to La Boheme and reading about inflation. Life is so absurd

My heart is inscrutably besieged by a concentration of forces, sounds, purposes, shadows and ghosts

Must be like reminiscing about the good old days when we wished we were dead

That is the stupidest text I have ever received. Please dont speak to me again

archive 1.3

In a taxi on the way to Milan

At the back next to the butchers who sells hanging rabbits and birds

Its pathetic and pointless is it not?

Please translate

You first

I would only irritate you

I mean, frustrate

Next time I have an identity crisis I’ll go for inanimate objects. I’ve always found dessert spoons attractive

Where are you? Geographically, not in your head

God, don’t lick your fingers

Things moved really fast

archive 1.4

She wants to know what you’re on

Top alone. In kfc. Chewing really really quickly. Pushes the bit of chicken hanging out of the side of his mouth with his thumb. Why is he chewing so quickly?

Stay cool

I can’t get out of bed. Motivate me

Right ear right queer

It thrills me when you’re really oversensitive

In Singapore they have plastic food centres where the lights are always on. You never know what time it is. Little old men sit and slurp unashamedly

Can I come round? Agitated

You have to follow the instructions otherwise it just won’t work

You have no idea the effect you have on me. I can barely contain myself

At least you’re not being continuously face raped by assorted dogs and not spending Valentines Day with the local historian. The older you are, the more interested hell be in you

Thank you for my mouse

archive 1.5

Phone phobic

Me being horrible to you does not begin to make any sense

Rot in some fucking backwater of hell you nauseatingly socially grubbing worms you oily consciously fucking messed up troglodyte with your twitching sweating gonads and slathering tongues. How can you have the nerve to feel superior? We have a good arrangement. He makes the weapons, I use them

I don’t trust chance as much as you seem to. I require a meeting for conversation

The authoritative approach clearly failed, I have to give up

I’m leaving it all to you because clearly things have to be on your terms

Hermits like you said

Tell the story…you know the one, about the tin opener

I was talking about the surrey hills. You made me into a fool

Don’t allow the momentary glitch in your considerable capacity to charm get in the way of being joyful and belligerent

Too sweet, fuck you

I bought you some tins of mackerel

Do you remember Robin Hood?

Maybe he has fallen down a mineshaft and become a deaf mute, maybe his fingers were bitten off by chipmunks with vicious appetites or a crackhead who mistook them for a morsel of heroin rendering him unable to text

Don’t suppose you’re up for an all nighter in Brixton?

Very poetic. Punctuation needs work

archive 1.6

I just unearthed a 6inch layer of chewing gum from under my bed. Thinking about cloning you

You wank. I can never compete with Fulham

You being a little brown person

Not that this makes any difference to you but just so you know. Whatever I do, whoever I meet and however long I don’t see you. Weeks, months or years. You will always be a very special part of my life

Your crab salad is here

Leave the library, you incredibly stupid bitch

Maybe they’re going nowhere. Maybe there are no planes. Just words and rhymes of love and wine. I’m looking in the mirror and I cant help but wonder who this person standing in front of me is. Fucking bollocks

You may have to electric shock him. Laser gun in the balls

Fuck off

Stop the oxford animal labs, stop the oxford torture labs, stop the oxford animal labs

Are you drunk?

It’s sad, but sadly true. I don’t understand your jokes. Have come to accept that in pain

It was meant in a fond way and no other. You got more than you bargained for with that first message

archive 1.7

I was simply buying exotic boxer shorts to compensate for what lies within

Would you consider taking a car across America for a couple of weeks in September?

It seems that every time we speak it’s the same theme. It has to change

Don’t forget me

I have a spare room with a bed. Its yours unless you would prefer a sofa. I have one of them too

You’re like an Imaginary friend only you get to talk to and see Imaginary friends

Fucking phenomenal. Don’t tease me

That’s right. All I do is try to make you feel crap

I’m only going in the hope that being on the other side of the world I wont miss you so much

Don’t make me progress to angry

It’s something of a talent

archive 1.8

You are test articulate. Makes me feel like the village idiot

I knew you were a bad egg

I’ve got no sense of smell. I lost it hitting my head age 9

Standing in Bristol station next to a couple in matching baby blue velour tracksuits. Does life get any better?

In blacks outdoor shop. Contemplating whether to lie down in one of the tents

Being asked where my summerhouse is and who my favourite reggae artist is. ooh er.

Part of me, which is being suppressed, wishes I were with you tonight

Just stole a role of ‘size 16’ stickers. Screwing. I rarely text for fun

Just bite your lip

archive 1.9

Your trousers still wet my phone but I have a camera like yours now and longer hair and browner skin and twelve kittens who live near the sink and eat what I’ve forgotten about, like the people who remember the little things one does and says

I have only been arrested once this holiday for stealing port and sherry form a hotel

On and on and on we go climbing to the top screaming and shouting like ravenous blacks

Feeling nice and working class?

'Burgundy makes you think of silly things, Bordeaux makes you talk about them and Champagne makes you do them’-brilliant savarin

All I keep imagining is my dad dying

I sent your love to him. He was touched

I’ve beaten you to Christmas so fuck you, cunt

I don’t know what the odds are. By chance we have met twice. We could cheat chance and save time

archive 2.0

Fatboyslim is fucking in heaven

I’ve already got it

Oh god I hope I haven’t brought on some self-analysing crap on you. If there is anyone to do that, it would be me

Now dance

You’ve tainted my precious lips. Like two big plastic slugs

I didn’t think anything could make me smile on such a hellish journey. Cruising away, near a tear, huge smile. Only you do this to me

Try repeatedly thinking about white blood cells engulfing bacteria. What sound would it make?

I think the freaks will welcome you with open arms

They involve you, a blowtorch, a long string of tinsel and a rabid squirrel

Bald man. Grey bench. Dirty train carriages. Scaffolding. Talked to a man whose music can break down cancer cells

The occasional word heard through the drum and bass was thoroughly dry

If I could, I would fly through your window and drop the softest of kisses on your lips before you fell asleep

I just bought the most vulgar present for you

archive 2.1

Ingredients for quails eggs salad nicoise and fresh bread and fresh tuna at 74

From the second I first saw you I knew you would be something different and having spent three months away from you I still feel the same. I’m giving you my love back

What the fuck does that mean?

I’m in elephant now, I’ve lived in Peckham mostly. I grew up in Italy

I’m pruning trees listening to classic fm. Kind of idyllic

Full moon just rose behind the thin blurry pink mauve clouds, slipping through them, now it’s gleaming. Can you see it from your roof?

This is awful. What’s wrong?

I wanted to make her a frame with loads of passport photos. I’ve got 2000.I’m not sure she would like it

I’m going to bury you in the pesto pasta

Hello you with perfect teeth. You would make a good slave. Good teeth=good bones=good worker

archive 2.2

Here, but fucked on a sofa

Kissed your photo the other night and felt like the biggest loser. Will avoid you endlessly because of that

Fuck I blur

The worst thing is a boy pretending he wants a fight but letting himself be held back by his mates

I’m on the way to a seminar with the sexiest 50 year old ever. Literally two hours of trouser ripping education.

Probably the way I lost my virginity but we will not go there. Now make better use of that Imagination and pretend that’s me next to you and the coach is actually a grand, secluded, fur lined love nest

What happened to ‘finity’?

Was the man hailing Hitler or a cab?

Why don’t you impale your face on dirty glass embedded on top of a wall?

You’re my favourite

We are staying until you get here

I’ve got her crying about her feet and him whistling soul classics. I wish it were you

Trashy blond

Its mr dj

They’re both free when your flatmate has a job on a picking farm and is also an avid pill head

Your parents nearly ran me over, but I’m wearing a wig

In prison Keith Richards maintained a heroic detachment. ‘the food is awful, the wine list is terribly limited and the library is abysmal’

archive 2.3

Do you remember the police men and me?

I begged them to hand cuff me

Fuck them, they’ll die anyway. Blow the smoke into their disgusting little faces

Only just got on the bus. I feel fractured

I am mould

A song run of guilty of love, aerodynamic, layla and the bubble song-my ipod clearly has got your intoxication. It will become addicted like the rest of us.

Round part, inside, upstairs

His royal highnesses

I am making frittata and listening to the kinks

Just know that I heart you and can’t wait

L’amico e uno che sa tutto di te e nonostante questo gli piaci

Wish you were coming tonight. Big, awkward, unwanted hug

Spot on

Triple disappointment

Bitch

What drugs are you on, exactly?

archive 2.4

We’ll leave together though?

I wanted to say you’re a big slag. We have to be buzzing like indie school rock kids, fucked on life

Pumping bass from a rickety beach bar as the sun goes down, peeling grapes before you eat them, climbing trees to read your book, eating a jalapeño pepper trying to keep a straight face, dancing in your underwear, listening to someone else’s music on the tube because its so loud. 11 days to go

You looked radiant earlier. Playing Moby in my heart

Come on you pussy, it's shit there

What a pair of texts to wake up to

A mouse wearing tights?

How tall are you in feet and inches?

I need to give a description of my number one, super beauty, love of my life in Spanish and I thought of you, not a carrot

archive 2.5

Slow poke

The chocolate fountain and fizzy bottles were the highlight

Jesus this is depressing

Any reason for sudden enthusiasm? I may have missed you a bit this week, but I’m not overly happy about it

Always so secretive with you

I feel I was a bit of a cunt, sorry

Gross

They know I don’t fit in. I’m tailing a man who smells like you. He’s strange, but I’m stranger

Ps. that message took 3 hours to send on my spontaneously turning off phone. That’s love

archive 2.6

There are cats in my hat

The Venus de Milo was noted for her charms, but strictly between us, you’re cuter than Venus and you have arms

I'll pretend I didn’t look

Stop the drugs, they steal your soul

God, can’t someone just want to see you

Rainbow cocktail

Well we will see what terms we are on

She has lots of famous sex quotes-my two favourite things

Good morning sunshine

If I cook pasta now can I eat it tomorrow for lunch?

Do it, we are besides ourselves

Don’t become aware of yourself and drill a hole in your head

Gay lord

Are you living? Where are you?

On the rocks, come

You are the sweetest most talented girl. A mother, father and brother couldn’t be more proud

20 black men 15p

Take me to lunch, I need hands

archive 2.7

Sight

Illiterate? Special? Troubled? Unikque? Dressed as a coca cola?

I wish I had Bernards watch

Can you radiocarbon date her?

My favourite eggshells are blue ones

Gold

Walking past the skate park reminds me of you

I just got back and have anchovies

Horrible wench

We are swinging from cats

Ill text you something vulgar in a bit

The vomitorium is lounging around with a book-he has invented a ‘new way of working’

Where you on drugs last night?

Now, lets keep this formal

archive 2.8

What the fuck are you talking about?

I’m nearly home sweet darling, apple of my eye. We’ll discuss it all softly

My heart bleeds without you

In my room speed dating

I’m standing underneath a flickering lamp post in the centre of Norwich clutching paper in each hand and my mouth, brow furrowed asking passers by to decide for your handwriting. More memorabilia

I can’t believe you still don’t know how to spell my surname

You disappoint me in not being here

I feel like a third wheel alone in my room

You have got to see the new hero on my wall

I just talked to the porter about vegiterorists

The roman punishment for killing your father was to be tied up in a sack with a wild dog, a live monkey, snake and cockerel and then thrown into the river Tiber

archive 2.9

Rot in hell

Do come on over

I just told a story about you using sign language

I said you were the most beautiful girl in the world and that I missed you terribly, much to the disappointment of the girls listening

Did you know that coca cola originally contained cocaine and alcohol as well as caffeine? See how it became so popular?

She has just left the building

Gracefully?

She is about as graceful an enormous cunt with legs

archive 3.0

She just asked him to buy her some milk

Fuck off

I am a wreck without you. Nothing

He was a boxer, doesn’t believe in god and lost his eye in a gunfight.

Get the fuck over here

archive 3.1

You’re wicked

I’m spreading that love

Just saw the chaplain. Total waste of time

For shooting ladies tend to wear waterproof boots, comfortable trousers and warm sporting jacket. Le Chameu is a popular brand

You are impossible to get hold of

Dance bitch

You wouldn’t actually believe it but the people outside my room are discussing, and have been at length, the concept of the dinner ticket

Because the Isle of White aint a gold mine after all

The boy who wants his ashes to fall in to children’s strawberry ice creams

We are with your favourite scouser dancing bar tender.

It’s time to get a girlfriend. I’ve been far too lazy

Buckle down smarty

Thanks for the drunken affection

Still eating

Things will feel better soon and you will forget about me-I promise. Whatever I can do for you ill try to do it and more

I can hear both my flat mates heavily petting each other. I feel sick

At some point during your three years at oxford will you give me a ring?

Can I come up to take my gown?

It's ok, sitting in the sun eating plums. We have filled our room with balloons and made a jelly baby city

Just read this sentence in her cook book ‘my husband will eat any road kill’

Keep dancing and working on your stanzas

Ugly diary in the post yesterday

You want chocolate?

What are you talking about? Come over

Extension?

How sweet you are

I just saw her carrying a box

I need your number you offensive little shit

So have you joined in with the fucking festivities?

Come to my room immediately

Lick the milkshake off his balls while you undress him from his suit

Say you miss me too or I will cut off your cock

I hear its banging in Bournemouth this time of year

I’m distressed about going back. I’m a very fragile soul

Alcoholic

Comments on personal appearance don’t qualify

You despicable little witch. I came to visit you but you weren’t there. I had painted you a picture of a bunny and I held many fucking meaningful objects to lie at your feet but you would not accept them or me.

I just saw her and sour crout and they told me they are dressing up as a fire engines tonight

That’s such a fucking anticlimax

Those were frantic and horrible conversations. Strictly Christmas and birthdays from now on

And you’re very pretty

And my wasted heart misses you every minute of every day because no one I meet compares to you

In a club trying to be sociable, thinking of you-bit sick. Been there a million times before

I saw her checking her pigeon hole at about 8:50. Sorry for the delay

She is eating mashed potato at the moment

archive 3.2

Hello

I feel teary and annoyed

Quite fancy sitting with some crap TV and ice cream

She is ape-shit confused about this suspicious model

By the way, I have broken my foot

I was just fighting a few lions in yardie land

6/10, I don’t need counselling

They got robed while they were in their house

They gassed them so they wouldn’t wake up

From her bedside

I’m in a squat rave in elephant. All I’ve thought of all day is how beautiful you are. I’m sober

Looks like that post card is turning into a letter

By the way, I’m just like yeah whatever

He is saving me the week old remnants of oxtail stew

I just can’t believe I had to say goodbye. It was made a little better by them asking him why he was ashamed of his toy car

One word

In case of any first night jitters

University challenge was on tonight. Oxford 70,Cambridge 320. Pull your socks up

Fucking hell, its only 8 and I’m drunk on love

In a rather underground pub, they’re playing concrete schoolyard and I thought of you

This cannot shape your oxford life. There is no way you can allow some petty fucking bitch to hold this situation. Chin up. You are worth a million of all the oxford people put together, that’s why I was sad to let you go. You have to do this because it’s going to be a dream in the end

archive 3.3

Time to go

I’m in the mood and feeling liberal. . .

What do you think it will tell you about my mind?

I have invited you into my life countless times. I would happily answer if I thought you had a decent reason. How’s this, if I could’ve only slept with one person it would have been you. I’ll give you a number when we are married.

I want to see you tonight so don’t take a rain check, don’t go to the gym for 7 minutes, don’t hide at home, don’t go to that club, don’t go to Kensington, someone’s 19th or anywhere with him. Instead come and burp in my face, tell me it’s not my best and show me how expensive your shoes are.

My sheets are covered in your cum

Sorry, that was meant for one of the countless others

You can’t be serious

I’m tired of seeing his blonde nipples, nearly as tired as I am of your point blank refusal

I’m free for you anytime any day the rest of my life. What do you want to do? No crying

I have a boil on my chin-its as hard as a rock and big as a mountain

Excuse me?

I love you and I know he does too. Darling please make sure you’re ok

Hey, sorry I disappeared. I know I’m stupid and you’re going to the world’s best university, but can we meet?

I’m going to bed. I think you would find it hard to disturb my thoughts on you

Far too formal and inaudible

Pervert

He is very excited about our threesome

I want to see you so much

Everything about getting back home has made this last week really difficult. It wasn’t fair for me to just walk out with no explanation

He is just telling me about when he was little his brother made him eat his own shit. Does that beat choking on a blue bottle?

I was just reading my text messages from the past and I think I have fallen back in love with you. You are the clog in my pipe and I’ve got attached

archive 3.4

So, read some Proust

I’m a horrible person whose only intention in life is to reap misery on you

I may bring it up occasionally to piss you off

You hung up

I really like this boy here. He has asked me to stay here with him and I said yes

See you in 6 months

You actually thought I was going to stay for 6 months in Kenya with a 30 year old?

Any reason why you’re ignoring me

Chatterbox

Where’s the kiss?

Infatuation that’s going to come true

Nowhere to be seen in the wagon

Going down to Brixton to beg a poor man to give me money

The address wouldn’t go a miss

You’re a dream girl

Glad you’re home, shame about the humour

Gently drifting in and out of sleep myself. Gasping desperately for breath as I gaze over at my new box

Please don’t

Thank you for being my all, my reason for so much in life. I’ll miss you. Have an amazing year. I love you

Are you in Oxford?

Fancy a bit of anal?

Oh god I’m delirious

Do you want to come out tonight, with crackheads. Chanel wearers get in free apparently

Its been cancelled cause the bassist has gone awol

I just escaped from classics party. Some gimp tried to start a debate on who was cooler-Odysseus or Aeneas.

Time to go you drunkard

I’m in the mood and feeling liberal

archive 3.5

Here is where my computer broke up.























At first when I switched it off,














and then for a short while,















and then for ages.








I lost loads of messages.

Loads and loads.

archive 3.6

Lesbian t-shirt slogan ‘What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?’

Roof is too precarious for me. I’m in geriatrics’ winter garden

It’s about an academic schizophrenic. Not unlike yourself in fact

I was hoping to shake him up for a sibling upgrade

I just saw a man rubbing an egg on his elbow while walking along the platform

You’re very very sad

She’s thinking carnival

Stop blushing

I admit I have been wondering why my nonchalant attitude towards girls goes out of the window with you

At my brother's, eating summer pudding

Just smack it in the jaws

I hope it has tourbillion movement

Eating octopus

Didn’t realise you liked the smell of my shit

Riverside pizzas, a scenic perambulation, frightening pictures and public displays of affection?

I sometimes sound like the sleaziest prick

Apparently if you need to pee during sex it means you’re about to cum

I missed the first train because I was distracted playing patience on the floor while eating Greek yogurt with my fingers

Syntagma

He never stops crying

She refuses to look at her results. Everyone is brown. She is having a *bash in fucking Croydon later. We are looking at your French tourist photo and crying with heartbreak.

archive 3.7

I would have bought you a Jewish cheesecake had I thought for one moment that I would have been able to abstain form eating it myself

Louting the streets of Camberwell no doubt?

Sometimes I wonder whether I should be the one seeing someone as well

Check your e-mail. It’s your turn

I don’t think it matters if I smile because as always, any example of emotion or affection is excruciating on your part. Not your problem I know, it must be easy knowing you can count on unconditional love, but I have to consider my own happiness sometimes.

I’m in

I’m a goner today. Glands up

I’m just starring at the screen thinking of inappropriate people

I have to admit you’re a very good skater

I might just come home this weekend and I might just give you a little kiss

I always enjoy our midnight liaisons

Got any mindless trivia for me?

I don’t know what the others told you about me and I don’t really care. You’re the sexiest girl I know

You better like them or I will cut my toes off and wear them myself

What currency would you repay that in?

I’ve got a semi and 3 erect nipple

Make me some plans I cannot refuse

I have so many clothes on I feel like an Inuit. Apparently minus 15 tomorrow. It’s ok to talk about the weather when it’s this extreme

Parents? I fucking live for adult company

Fuck off

I hate it when you’re the mature one

Well I know how unpleasant it is to be the one fucked around

Something good did come out of this evening; you learnt how to kiss and I got some earrings. Don’t let me push you away again

Discuss birthday presents, sex, toys and the like

I’m on the doorstep

Did you get my letter?

Id rather slice off my ears

Where the hell are you? Birthdays don’t make you too cool to come in. Your day was yesterday

Sorry for sounding ambivalent.

That red belly dancer outfit is perfect for a kiss

Good kissing tonight. Well done

I’m really not sure quite what to make of what you said last night
I’m not being cryptic. You say it’s a shit use, but I can’t imagine you using it

There will be dancing in the streets and necking in the parking lots

These digits aren’t just for anyone you know

A dragonfly flew into my room and landed on my foot

What the hell is going on with all the transvestites?

Tate modern and diet coke?

I just drove past a guy wearing a cowboy hat. He looked amazing

Heard you look like me when you sleep. Compliment of your life

Absolutely fucking fantastic

My swing has swung

You’re just ruthlessly bored and you know I’m the sucker who will give you instantaneous response

Very formal. When you call we must only speak of what we have ‘been up to’, how great everything is and make promises to meet up for a coffee we will never have

archive 3.8

I really want to see you

Just breath in out and in

It’s more that I loved seeing you and no one makes me feel like that

I meant everything I said tonight, good and bad. Considering you have surgically attached this smile to my face I guess I must be serious

I met a Vietnamese man who spat a lot and spilt somebody’s beer all over them. Then I got told I was fuckable

I’m going out tonight on the right side of the river. Detoxed enough to come?

There is nothing unusual about basil puree

I’m enjoying a hot chocolate with a big grin and three erect nipples

I’m about to have my blood stolen despite tattoos and Asian escapades

They have decided I’m too tainted. I’m going to come and abduct you if you wait too long

Call me, jump in a cab and I will pay for it

My lovely sisters screaming suicide threats through the door

Life is great now I can finally wash meeting you off my hands

Who are you?

Thank god

Of course

Had some amazing goats cheese, it was a slab. Dark country lanes also reminded me a little of you

You look fucking excellent in it. Approval of old people nationwide is finally yours.

You can’t make me worry then switch off your phone

I’m sick of telling you how much I miss, think and want to see you. I’m going to be a hardass for a while

Go home

I feel dizzy and like a bitch

Dignity intact-a malteser amongst the ice

You don’t have an answer phone. I had been practicing what to say for the two minutes it was ringing

I’m in a Porsche near you, call me

That’s even more tragic than me spending Valentines Day with my brother

A weekend in Paris and you’re still bored. Always been hard to satisfy

Betrayal is a hateful word. Disappointed is more like it

I would never cry over you

The plumber is an undercover policeman

I spent the whole day knowing it was important but not remembering why. Now I do, happy two year old kiss

You’ve outdone yourself on the bullshittig stakes

My train departed from Norwich terminus at 18 30 and is now travelling towards London Liverpool Street. It is scheduled to arrive for 20 25 where I will leave the train and descend to the circle line. Changing at oxford circus I will the proceed to wards Brixton along the Victoria line. Then I will catch either the 196 or 3 to complete my journey. Good enough?

B15 and I don’t do plans

Can’t you see an excuse when you hear one?

Row 0 seat 18

Call me later. I live for it

We are a bushy kind of family

She’s a twat

Hard core hatred today so fuck off and leave me alone

What is your ideal style of cake? Icing? Size? Flavour

A disappointing night out

archive 3.9

If you want to clear the air I can talk now

Now is probably not the best time to talk because I’m still hurt and feel stupid for letting myself get so close to you

Give me 5. Serious problem

It went well until he tried to kiss me. Who the fuck does he think he is?

I can’t come to work today, I will die

Drug girl

You would be doing yourself a favour by missing it

That was pretty funny

What did you want from me?

I’m drinking hot chocolate and eating cinnamon biscuits in Borough

By the way, your texts are beautiful

I’m definitely in a selfish stashing mood. Apparently it’s the season to be a shit

Do you fancy a bake off?

Deep breathes

There are two ts in stutter

That’s rude. You should be more careful with the company you keep

The girl is busy until Thursday. I wanted to slap her

I will take that Satsuma now

Sod off until you send me something actually meant for me

We have been sitting on her cat drinking three bottles of port. Have you got your balsamic vinegar from Santa yet?

I intend to fail them all and learn how to run really fast instead.

You still going to Paris?

Everyone is talking about how gorgeous you are. I showed him the article photo and he said wow

I know I am

I definitely don’t get up before 3, make plans or communicate with you. So as usual things are up in the air.

Praise enough

She kissed him under your hat. I’m not supposed to have told you.

Sorry about last night, I was yearning for your arrival and it never happened so instead I drank the room, kissed him and rang the others.

Are you still in the library?

Fabulous idea, it could be a sketchbook for a mouse

Stop being so cagey

I’m black footed and need some loving

Yeah, but I like fish

Where in the world are you?

archive 04

No wonder I’m like who I am

Dad just asked where’ve you been. He's right, we haven’t seen you recently

Delia’s making salads, you should be watching

I read a book about autism and it made me feel really scarily lonely

The taxi driver sang through his nose all the way home

Did I overhear from her that you take drugs?

Unfortunately he had a bronzed limbed temptress stuck to his face

I thought about it today and in the end was a little conflicted, but the bottom line is that whenever I hear from you, despite having not spoken for ages, I still care about you like you were one of my closest friends.

I've turned around and will get you

I’m coming to visit you in your hotel room and I’m going to destroy the fucking joint

Singing the blues

Come back, I've found your shoes

How long are your legs and wide are your hips?

I’m up a wooden ladder choking on dust in a basement rearranging 15th century books

My whole family will be assembled in the port, waiting

Hi. I’m very nice remember from you. I would like to know you some days before

I need to be re educated, I’m so in the dark and know fuck all about home. What in gods name have you done to your hair?

The night was partially salvaged. We went to a beach discotec with loads of badly dressed men.

I’m so hated for being here

I just took a shower and wished you had been there to scrub me down

You cant text me to let me know you're back in this depressing place?

I’m not going to pretend its easy getting out of bed. If it wasn’t for the fact I’m seeing you I don’t think I could

Are you the loser sitting at the front?

I barely slept all night because you were kicking

I think that you never regret doing what is in your heart even if in your head you think its wrong. The other night felt so good

Channel 5, its going to be me

Its lucky I’m going away because I don’t deserve you

You fucking rebel, don’t you know it’s a school night. I might have to report you

I’m sitting on a wall in Clapham, alone, feeling mortally embarrassed

Do you think he would marry me?

He was outside college. Fuck he is short

You text me at 4am. What's wrong with you?

Thank you for your sick sodden sock left on my arctic goose duvet

Still working on your impatience?

Pas de problem, Samedi avec plaisir jespere que tu ne pas oublier

There it is, the habitual Sunday text

At least you make me smile. I’m putting my foot down. No ideas : no me

If you didn’t the regulars at my whorehouse would be disappointed

Frankly I’m shocked you have turned down two dinners

I would speak to you for hours if it made you smile for a second

It’s your eyes young one

I despise myself for caring

Fuck this, I’m so pathetic I want to cry

Much laughing gas and jack daniels. You wouldn’t be proud of me on this coach

Things will be all right in the end. If they’re not all right then it’s not the end

Just been dumped for the third time and I really think its time to move on

I just had to get over myself so I ran out of the room crying