archive +7.1

Not feeling nervous, but I’m feeling shit. Always talking about taking things seriously but I've pretended she’s not a real human being. Pretty bad

‘We install more cookers than anyone else in the UK’-makes you think really

Pseudo faux pas

Ultra neo classical pap, that’s what

You’re all over that dream

It is ok, I've had two valium from his candy box so i'll be safe to get back into the world

We can talk about guilt

Gig tonight in new cross. The fucks are playing, how sweet

It was such fun unwrapping my sandwich

archive +7.0

I’m asleep

Later if you get bored painting by yourself-probably unlikely-it would be cool if we could paint together.

I fainted again. The most exciting thing in my life at the moment

Escape crimson rooms

I’m thinking. Lets have our babies together, aiming for the same day. I think they would get on. Closest of friends

I think I depressed you. My eye was hurting

You are infuriating

Hoarse

Who is this?

I would have made it but the chain fell off. Bike grease all over my neck. Pretty cool entrance

God, people can ruin anything

I’m going to have to force you to run at some point. Ill let you know when I feel mean

The one with the hanging baskets

Don’t use that get out clause. No you are not shit. Just call me in future and make me believe that you care. Its alright really, this band have songs called ‘you are the gimp and I am the mother fucker’

archive +6.9

Don’t swear at me I know it’s not ok to ask

So like my friends got really drunk last night and sent you that message.

That was my courting gesture

Valentines pub conversation: ‘why is the honey monster there?’

What in gods name are you talking about

I knew you would leave

I’m speckly

I do birthdays, you do valentines

The can is outside your door. You sounded occupied so I didn’t disturb

I just remembered that violation thing you’re scared of

What an offer

I just came

I’m in trouble. Pick up

I’m on a coach with nothing but time on my hands and I don’t have any pride with you. I will keep calling

Hurts don't it?

Just be comfortable and pleasant, too late probably

Thanks for the coca cola

It’s all ok, honest

I’m going to come and get you when you’re asleep

I honestly didn’t mean that seriously. Don’t change a thing

Don’t you look pensive…

I’m eating with our friend

Blanked

If I were you I would be fucking angry that no one told me about things, that sounds harsh, but I think you aught to be. It would have been mean to have let you carry on thinking all was fine and you deserve honesty. So be honest with them and don’t think you’re a walk over. Maybe I’m missing the point, sorry

Walking around with a fucking lighter trying to find my clothes

archive +6.8

I didn’t say anything about that by the way, I was just telling them about doom

I’ve just realised I've been wearing the same outfit for a week

Guilt trip, make him paranoid

I cant, just imagine the applause though. Little boys swarming like ants, disgusting

I’ve got hysteria. Bad way to start the week

Tell her you are heart broken. She will love it

Bananas make your head feel better

Text me something funny

Just wolfed a diet coke in the library and had to stifle a burp. Everyone heard anyway.

She wants attention

You need sunglasses in this snow

Just so we’re clear, I’m still expecting a valentines card

You weren’t carried, trust me

You sound prickly, I look forward to seeing your effort

I bet you think this text is about you, don’t you

Its just too awful, the drug chat is through the roof

It’s not that busy. Relax

I cam over to see if you were alright

I have a terrible feeling

archive +6.7

Don’t be scared. I’m looking at you

Come here to my room. I’ve been waiting for you

A prancing deer

Any burns?

Is anyone awake?

Tunnels again. Free flowing prose

Whilst there is some predisposition among pacific islanders, I think the rise in chronic disease is caused largely by economic factors and a dependence on Imported foods. I’m trying to answer that very question myself

I’m flattered, today is my first day of freedom for a year so we’re both celebrating. Sorry for the recent neglect

My room

I left the book in your room and turned your light off. Hope that’s ok. If its not then take it up with the environment police. The planets warming up if you don’t read the newspapers. Shit, no rainforest left

You know me too well

It got a standing ovation, although helpfully pointed out that they were just cheering because I was leaving

Can I borrow the hunter-gatherers?

I’m a bit shit

archive +6.6

I wanted to watch them chain sawing the trees with you

I’ve fucked up. Nobody’s fault but mine

If you stare at them for too long you get sucked into that colour so then you cant see anything. So watch out for that

I want to try some of your cooking

Excellent has three ‘e’s in it and no ‘a’.

I find boring postcards utterly mesmerising

I’m dirty on the inside

I’m full of indecision and in a bad mood about kinship

I like a lot of things

Exactly

Cable with a b is shit

Lets rent a kite and fly south

Do you want it? It will end in tears

You know what

archive +6.5

I think you should write a book.

It’s the best idea I have ever had for you. Start with a brainstorm

I’m on an endless drive in Fulham. I think your circumstances may be preferable. No doubt you and your reflection are smiling

Cool your boots, find a neutral place, you’re just living in your essay and soon it will be dead

You MySpack. Do I not even warrant a cynical and inappropriately punctuated text? You sound sad. I hope you’re not entirely. There must be a little ray of sunshine even if it is my brother and it sits at home all day long thinking of you fondly and watching endless re-runs of match of the day. I’m on my way south with the entire contents of a florist pollinating on my fur jacket

Its already evening gone, its night, an awful night

Tipping the velvet

I can’t wake you. Your door is locked and your not picking up any phones. I tried

archive +6.4

I’m in Banbury next to oxford recording some music. I finish tomorrow evening, what will you be up to?

Take the mad tin

Where have you been, I've finished recording and back now

I know. A slight party, get drunk and wake up the next morning thinking oh well

I had a dream about you last night. I was telling you how beautiful you were but your mouth was stretched from your chin to your eye. Sexy. I wish I knew what it meant.

I think it may have been the darkness

Bring it over here and I will steady the bitch. I was right about the darkness. Here I go, free tickets

I’m not a big fan of meaning and I know you’re not either

Next time you’re up in London you should be with me because I do fun things like enter internet competitions about bands

Yeah well lets both lie in our beds and dream about night time competition

Want to come over tonight?

Oh where the hell are you, not that I particularly miss you, but you just disappeared without a word, without a trace. I hope you’re all right

If you’ve got it, flaunt it

archive +6.3

Am I black enough for you?

I’m sorry to only just get back to you. Saturday was amazing, the people went crazy, it was wonderful. London is missing you, London being me

Do you think it is bad if I text him?

Just been given a five-hour lecture about the consequences of pranking and meddling with peoples’ lives. I’m the one who needs to be rescued

My father found out I made a myspace page for one of his friends

Thanks for trying

I’ve completely forgotten what we were talking about. I’m comfortable with it

archive +6.2

Have you bitten the bullet?

Well maybe they’re right. I wouldn’t stop until I got arrested

Pressure my cellular

Fuck off. It’s well fucking funny to wake me up at 5

Please never doubt yourself. I personally think you’re one in a million

I’m at work feeling sorry for myself. What the hell happened this weekend?

I misbehaved too hard all night, took silly drugs, feel bad about being mean to some girl, on a big come down, no sleep, melancholic. Not my best

Where are you?

Pity

Why do you think?

Steady on, I just though you might like to come over for a glass of wine

Gosh. How dreadful. But otherwise yes. I don’t know what any of that means. Guess you’re on your way back to oxford then

You’re a hard girl to follow, but then you’re doing 90 and writing this shit-got to love you

archive +6.1

I’m bringing back some industrial strength ex-soviet condoms and a pack of Marlboro lights

Me too

Seriously

That’s fucking disgusting

I’m back in Keble. My room has two desks. One is for you

I’m so sorry. You never know what he is thinking. I’m actually thinking of you all the time. Don’t give up

Apparently frogs taste of chicken. Did you eat any or was it just diet cock and cigarettes?

I thought I saw you but it was the woman from the library, you know the one who isn’t actually a librarian but tries hard to be

Do you want some cake and cigarettes? I must get out of this house

You’re internal please

I despise the fact you never pick up your phone

Bugger

I’m in the bottom the library

Fuck me. Its like the Keble & Child in here

I made that up

Keen

No, it got put down by accident

I’m too lazy to knock on your door

Decadence is the new black

archive +6.0

I’m just pissed off because the coverage of that story made me want to kill. By the way the other film was one of the best I have ever seen

How are kisses drunkenness confusion and cafes?

Yes. Mad and passionate. He is getting married to his tiger girlfriend and I’m becoming a sad and pathetic witch. At least I have seen his penis

Patience is the key-let him think of you

You’re in Paris and wont get this thank god. I want to make weird noises

Shit pressed send by accident

What I meant to say was that kind of over excited noise but I feel I can only do it in your company. I sound like a pervert

When are you back?

Cut left up rue do vielle du temple

Troubadour

You have got the shits?

What are you talking about?

I feel embarrassed that I got excited about reggae in angel

I have a desperate need to fall in love

Why are you in Paris you fuck? The whole of earls court misses you.

Do I look like a slut?

Listen

archive +5.9

I had a dream about you last night. Licks and kisses

Actually I did

So pretty much doing exactly the same thing as you. Don’t suppose you feel like having a really nice dinner, watching some movies and telling each other not to worry and that life is great?

East is good. Is that a yes?

Make your way to Bethnal green and call me when you’re here

I never knew you drove

Are you sure you’re ok?

I’m hitting the hay. Thinking about you rocking in your rocking car. I’m kind of jealous, I love driving at night, but only people who don’t drive say that

How was last night?

Not funny, I can’t make jokes

Moral of the story. Give a shit about your kid don’t leave it with a badly trained dog otherwise you get a load of ignorants blaming the wrong thing

archive +5.8

Of course I knew he wasn’t coming

Will you eat first?

I actually don’t mind where

‘Please don’t run away from me otherwise people will think I’m a monster’ is apparently what I screamed, then I was described to have appeared like an escaped rapist

Promise please

You never came back

Soldiers sounds more fun than murder

Yes, I did think you were coming back

There is still hope. Please. Ill beg if I have to

I really want to show off my thumbs

Don’t smoke crack

Oh.my.god.i.am.so.bad. You should have heard his lines though

I’ve been shuffling around muttering to myself for four hours, my temperature reached a peak of 39. My favourite thing was to say that I was talking to myself over and over trailing off, sitting down, closing my eyes, repositioning the hot water bottle to leave one limb aching, then croak whatever feverish though floated in.

Then I cough really hard sometimes a little bit of wee seeps out into my ill duvet smelling boxers. My dressing gown rubs clean the yellow piss on the edge of the toilet and I groan and hum ride of the valkarys to make this feel grand

archive +5.7

Don’t ignore me

I don’t mind. I’ve just got in though and hackney is the best area so…old St, Columbia road, Bethnal green?

I’m in the cinema. I got told off last time

Merry Christmas. I’m dressing up as a winged sheep. My glance is tender, my snout is just right, and my wings my dear, my wings sparkle and are purple. I do wish you were arriving tomorrow

Merry Christmas. Sorry I couldn’t make it under the tree, but you can unwrap me some other time

Too many pine needles

I’m about to get on the plane

For bizarre activity we are having a glass of wine in the Fentiman but we'll have to go soon because political discussion at next table between expats will inspire violence

Putney’s a little out of my range

No I’m going to wait and see what unfolds with the dog

A thousand times yes

There was a young man from Kent

Call if you need the inhaler

He put it in double

God I embarrassed myself last night. I trashed a room with no trousers on and pulled a Virgin Mary quite violently against the wall. My mother had to put me to bed

archive +5.6

I have a massive bruise on my back from trying to build a pyramid last night. I decorated the tree the other day and went for a full tinsel wrap. I hate minimalist decoration

I would like a ritzy reunion soon

Actually that last message was a little keen. I actually meant yeah, maybe next year, whatever

Mind the cats

I have thought of you so many times this holiday. Please remind me to tell you the stories

Don’t worry, I know phones are scary. I’m now walking another dog waiting to hear if I can take the one I want. If I get it its called the dude

If I get him I will take him to my dads cottage at the sea for a holiday

No dog. Its got to be reassessed. I got a free sandwich so I can go home and play with that instead

I’m at Bethnal green. There is a tramp on hands free. This area is really up and coming

What happens in Brixton? I’m shaving my beard as we speak

You smoke heroin? Now I understand

What do you mean? That’s what you said

Fuck you. I don’t want to come to your Christmas drinks

archive +5.5

I cant see you there it is too depressing

I knew you wouldn’t understand

Your turn

I miss my friends, the sunshine, my job, my truck and my swimming. Everything really. Positive mental thinking hey

Cock. I hate them both. Cocks

Yes please. I’m wearing the worst shoes

I don’t give a hoot. Somewhere between north and south

We are going to kick your arse

How is preparation for Christmas? I bet you just love this season

Are you seeing him?

Sorry. That wasn’t meant for you

Call me ASAP

Come back

It’s a nice walk. Why don’t you try doing it backwards?

I just got your scary text. Are you ok?

I will pay for you all night. Drinks entrance. No pay back

I keep thinking about texting you. Not keep just have thought about texting you a couple of times but can’t think of anything entertaining to say

archive +5.4

Can I have the parker death and burial book?

I’m eating yours

I’m at Wadham looking at overwhelmingly nice legs

His room stinks

I haven’t been ignoring you on purpose. I speak to you whenever I see you, I let you pass out in my bed, I tell my friends to take you home and I never reply to your texts because they never make sense. I don’t want you to think there is a problem

Sorry for being testy. I’ve just spent five un necessary hours in the hospital waiting for my brother to be transferred

Opinions on the Nazis?

Id rather be an aunt than a Muslim

Id rather be a variation of cunt on predictive text

Cock?

It’s the transition from fast to slow. Like when you go past a lorry on the motorway and you go backwards for a bit, when you're so used to going forwards there is nothing now moving

This is the first message I have sent. It’s hard to use this phone

Her door keeps getting stuck and I have to escape through an Indian ladies flat. I’m dying for a cigarette but cant face the smell of curry any more. Still no reply from him. A bottle of wine just for me

There is a building being ripped down by a bulldozer. It looks like its made of paper

Write some poetry or come to Warwick

You are avoiding my question

Do you know where the stairways to heaven is?

Sorted handsome

Id do anything, for you dear anything.

You can come

Dear god a man just grabbed me and tried to get me into his car

Why the uncertainty?

You seem as disinterested in my messages as you were in my conversation

It was so wonderful seeing you yesterday. I’m happy you’re happy

Id rather be an anti racist than a Muslim

You got what you deserve

That depends on what exactly you quote, cunteyes

Ill tell you everything. Whenever you want

I guess I would open a bird sanctuary for chicks with broken hearts\

archive +5.3

Chilli and mayonnaise

Quote. He really likes her. Likes likes. Obviously

Dinner time

Thanks but I wont

I didn’t act very cool last night. I kept trying to hold his hand

Spoons

Jesus Christ. Bad for my nerves

I’m sitting in the quod. Ready

I just saw your man walking past the pub. Get him

Proactive

Id rather stay single and thin. You are amazing. Good texts anyway

Have you got oil and vinegar

I do not have rape films. You think the worst of people

3009

archive +5.2

Hate evolution. I’m going to our party

Fuck you

You make me want to say rude things

That was totally regrettable

Can you throw down your key?

If its not the middle aged ones launching themselves at you it’s the under age ones teasing me. Then there is the constant battle with reflective surfaces and complements.

What are you talking about?

Don’t you think its sick that although I was just told my Nan has been found dead, I still feel I need to do this work

How is the seducing?

I need to know who wrote the articles about the Italians

I can see you

I’m about to pull

I kissed him

Friends?

It’s still quite early

Something to do

Look at her e-mail. What a fucking creep. And the second one is inexplicable

archive +5.1

Mice of the east have slightly shorter tails than hedge mice which have slightly longer left ear lobes than earless donkeys

Lads. On tour

Would you be offended if I turned up at yours now?

I literally just had to run into my tutorial

Yes covered in drink stains

Its just dawned on me how disgusting it must have been to have me slop into your bed drunk as a fart

I just pissed in your loo and by accident on the floor. I cleaned my ears too

I love you too so does this mean you will suck my cock?

archive +5.0

Probably sees the stuff too often. Everyone likes a change

I’m sitting in a sea of students wearing baby pink and blue Warwick goodies. This is why I want to run. I’m wearing my Norwegian national costume

I know you think you’re enigmatic. But 5 words just wont cut it. Explain please, post-haste

Is it because of the jewfro. I completely understand

What is this? I finally manage to engage you in conversation and then nothing. My house is having a party. And fireworks. And fire. And chorizo and lentil soup. We didn’t invite anyone

I spent a lovely day with your brother which of course made me think of you. I understand what you think about what we’ve been made to do, I understand and see why you and I worry so much. There is a reason, I know, we feel so there must be. God sorry for the soppy message but I mean it. We’re searching for the beauty that will sadly never be but we have to look. I feel like an idiot trying to be so insightful but I truly mean it all. All my love my sweet --

What is the point of you?

No because it is ion oval where I cannot see it

Want a copy?

Gash mash, and vaginal cigarette ash rash. Ruby burn puss puss. Stone age rage full the wicker cage, blink, all is not it seems, twas only a wet dream

archive +4.9

I thought it was self-explanatory. Search it

Was it corporate whore drinks, ones with gentlemen or another breed?

I’m a concrete tourist flawless cordless deadpan stare through the drain cover glare blink the baby alligators. Baby alligators, in the sewers, grow up fast, they don’t last, they don’t last. The concrete tourist, bombs and cars, all frozen in mega pixels, cant remember the last time he saw seagulls

Well I don’t know how to feel because there is an air of discomfort. We need to sort that out first

That was my explanation. No more weirdness

I laughed loud. Sickness making my ankles shiver

It’s a bit like an addiction. But must stop, I've got the shakes. I didn’t like the way my life was heading

I’m coming up tomorrow. I’m going to look gangster, zoo York blazers and lumber jack shirt

Seriously?

Fuck it I got it

Are you available for fun?

Also those grapes fucked me up

I don’t know what any of that meant

What happened?

I was followed into a club toilet by a very young looking girl last week who went on to take a picture of my shlong/piece/samule Johnson without my knowledge and has posted such picture on the internet. I feel incredibly violated

You’re just annoyed because I’m so spontaneous

archive +4.8

Dick

We’re smoking by the bar

As bloody well you should (sweet heart) and I think considering the circumstances you should be wearing green

The polish guy really wants to have sex with me tonight. Please call me if you’re awake. I’m walking now. Please

Morning

I don’t want to have it without you

No fights or anything like that

I want to but I have these fucking essays. I have problems

What’s it all been for?

That’s the point. That’s the charm. Absolutely nothing. Nothing

I would say make me look good and delete when necessary

I would say you’re pretty damn cool, but I don’t know

Sitting in the library near her. You see I’m bored

I heard you got lucky

He is always a welcome guest

I don’t know why it started, but he smacked me in the face, then it just turned into a game

archive +4.7

He has got his son here until Monday so if you still don’t believe me now is the time

There are many reasons why I like you; you’re funny, don’t mind the piss taken, you’re different and weird, you’re up for late night wanders, you still give me butterflies and with something as small as a text you can give me a level of happiness I rarely feel. As long as you want me as part of your life, I’ll want you. I’m going for a swim

Subtly of course

A message that long is intrinsically flirtatious

It’s a mission to come up with an adequate response. It’s more intrigue than intimidation

I’ve been on another social tonight. Is that enough laughing fodder for you?

This would be a lot cheaper if I came over, but then we would run the risk of high jinx occurring

Well I try not to joke around, but I have been drinking so take from it what you like. My door isn’t open but its always unlocked. However you would find me sprawled naked across my bed

Crossbones

They are still in the taste the difference range at Sainsbury’s if you’re middle class enough. Fortunately I am. They exist in my fridge right now

Oxford was how you say ‘tip top’? It’s fast becoming my favourite place outside Streatham. The word is jest, learn how to spell

You must come to Nissan 15 minutes earlier. Trust me. You must

Lock up your perishables

Turn on radio 4-shipping forecast

archive +4.6

Navy blue shit. Blue tie. White shirt. Medium size glasses. Slight facial tick as he looked at the pavement. Red bandana. White marijuana leaves. Is he the one?

A photo of my Portuguese lover found on your wall. I’m back

Sorry I didn’t call, I was pouring drinks for rich Russian women

I don’t own one. I gave my ipod a funeral

What a fucker

Batty

Yes but the whites of my eyes are the colour of my red jumper. Potato

I hope with all my heart that was sincere

Oh, you’re just saying that

Wont that cost a bomb off my mobile

I just set off the fire alarm off. Everybody hates me. I want to die

Don’t you dare think I didn’t see you leave

Probably you’re both hiding for the same reason. Stop it

I thought it only happened in films-caught in the fucking monsoon today a white van drove past me and swept a puddle the size of a lake Windermere all over me. Sadly no one cool was around to see me and it would have made a very good anecdote. But you can’t have everything

Cocaine weed beer wine cigarettes music. Got heaven got hell

As did I


I cannot wait until I’m better and can be interested and laugh and be ‘fun’. I always knew you were lame from the first moment I saw you, I saw in you something of myself and said ‘I like your watch’.

Maybe people think you’re rude because you go to obnoxford

The twin towers were completed in 1876. The original budget was $350 million. The project was completed for $1billion

No one

Exactly

You must think I’m a proper dickhead or really dislike me then, I didn’t realise

I was in a hotel in Newcastle and I couldn’t sleep from worry. Horrid

I’m going on a date with a fatty boom. I wish you could come

Yes. I want to pooh with dread

We’re going to a barn dance. And because I cant keep saying no. He says he wants to see me before he gets sent abroad. Something to do with a proposal

Are you better? Why did it come on? Was it a panic attack, my mum gets those. My concerns were of beauty and my lack of it in my songs. Silly silly things. I Miss you very much

archive +4.5

Yeah, it was whiskey until dawn

Who’s on it?

We have no idea where the car is

Looks like we’re all getting lost then. We had to get a cab to the car

The reason I feel permanently nervous is because you were soon leaving and now you’re gone. I just remembered

Please ignore me forever

She needs her bike

The best sentence in that book is my co author’s, Flaubert’s ‘ je doute de tout, meme mon doute’

Sudden panic. Have you gone back? I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye or ask about him. Obviously I whispered that last part

I’m by the Cowley roundabout turning into myself

Her display photo is enough to make me wet

You’ve been sighted in oxford in a boy racer car

I’m sitting on a train listening to an overweight, middle aged man talk about special k and how eating after 7 is just murder

archive +4.4

As soon as possible. Choose a week. Write down everything you eat. At the end of the week mum will ring and ask what you think about food. Do you have thinspiraton? Motives for eating what you do? Guilt? The only thing is, you have to change your age

Younger

My friend just rang to tell me my friends dad is back on crack. I saw your friends last night


Do you have insomnia or something or just trying to cure yourself of the need to sleep? He’s had a pretty fucked up life his mum is dying as well

At home, just finished watching ‘labyrinth’ starring David Bowie. Wearing a sombrero. Drinking water, that kind of activity

Un bonne vivant nest pas?

I’m not wearing my sombrero anymore. I’m reading Alan Bennet

They wouldn’t let me and my friends into your place. You and your fucking clubs are so pretentious

Can you come off your high horse for five seconds?

Look to the stamp’s queen’s head, they’re going to cut it off

Camberwell castle. How convenient

Nearly there you weirdo

Are you ok?

All the best then

We are watching doctors, eating ginger snaps.

Sorry was I too forward. Have I blown it?

archive +4.3

Coming into London passing the Brixton recreation centre. Reminds me of you

Don’t be obscene.

Bloody hell just slept for 14 hours so am a little slow

Do I smell?

I’m being serious why the cold shoulder

Just lets meet

I’m in a gambling house. Text me if you want to come

I thought you were pretty joke but I don’t think you should make a habit of hanging round dirty old men. I hear you’ve got a hangover

You were pretty and joke and now you’re just pretty

I believe I’m seeing you

You’re shithouse rhyming isn’t worth anything

We’ve decided to have a housewarming next week. You will be the guest of honour as funniest girl in the world

Please stop worrying about everything

Fine

You seem to have a lot of bad and weird days. I’m not in a bad mood at all

archive +4.2

Being a curator is not as glamorous as expected. Sweeping a floor in a suit while tourists peer through the plate glass wall

I wrote a massive message with everything in it then deleted it

Are you all right?

Yes call

Ring


Gorgeous

Don’t say sorry

I’m looking at the picture you did for me. I love it

Asleep

Stop saying thank you it’s making me very uncomfortable

You could fill the blank in my diary if you’re not avoiding me as well. By the way you’re so fucking cool I cant get back to sleep

Call me when you’re up. Lets do something today. I’m in Camberwell

Thanks for sending your details-a member of the itv team will be in touch with you soon

Are you still not seeing people and things?

Love me if you dare

archive +4.1

I though you had been hiding in London. Refusing to see me.

Where are you now in this world?

I just listened to your voicemail and am so depressed

It’s not cool to call yourself cool

I want to feel good about myself but just ate four cookies and that girl has a nicer body than me with longer hair and a tan and pedicure. I want someone to fancy me at my worst again

Suck it babes

Gosh what a long drive

Well once you’ve cleaned out your mouth and picked out the hairs, try calling

How is that party?

Is it free?

Is it upstairs?

I showed you love and all I got was a couple of smart comments and the piss taken. Thanks. Still, you were the one who broke the door during the speeches

Acquaintances perhaps

archive +4.0

I had a dream about you last night. I was telling you how beautiful you were but your mouth was stretched from your chin to your eye. Sexy. I wish I knew what it meant.

I think I may become a mute

honestly don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?

He left his jacket in my car and I snooped around the pockets and found five condoms. Not one, but five disgusting red packets. What is that? Stop laughing I can juts hear you

Eat a child or your own faeces

I was just about to ask you to text me. I’m in dire straights of boredom. Editing her address book. Everyone is called Pandora or Hercules or Merry or Peregrin and all live in manor houses in the Cotswolds. Drinking on your own is almost sad. You should have absinthe and champagne instead. Its called death in the afternoon

I must admit that despite myself I am looking forward to it

I’ve been here forever. Looking and waiting for you. I work full time now. Please tell me. Are you home?

I envy you. All that comes out is embarrassment or misery on the few occasions I speak. Children should be seen not heard

archive +4.0

I had a dream about you last night. I was telling you how beautiful you were but your mouth was stretched from your chin to your eye. Sexy. I wish I knew what it meant.

I think I may become a mute

honestly don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?

He left his jacket in my car and I snooped around the pockets and found five condoms. Not one, but five disgusting red packets. What is that? Stop laughing I can juts hear you

Eat a child or your own faeces

I was just about to ask you to text me. I’m in dire straights of boredom. Editing her address book. Everyone is called Pandora or Hercules or Merry or Peregrin and all live in manor houses in the Cotswolds. Drinking on your own is almost sad. You should have absinthe and champagne instead. Its called death in the afternoon

I must admit that despite myself I am looking forward to it

I’ve been here forever. Looking and waiting for you. I work full time now. Please tell me. Are you home?

I envy you. All that comes out is embarrassment or misery on the few occasions I speak. Children should be seen not heard

archive +3.9

You lost your phone?

You are mental. You will be fine. I will go to church and light a candle and pray for your safe return

My favourite of your texts. When people read it they’re like oh why do you keep all the messages from her and I’m like because I dig them when really its because I dig you and I just cant wait to see you its like boy its like all that I think about

He cried in my arms and then we kissed and drank beer kissed played music kissed the entire afternoon just me and him

Soap and graft will get that out

I got asked why I was smiling to myself today because I was laughing about you saying something about his little phutniked body. You said it so angrily and your little cheeks were all red

What’s fun about a supermarket?

He sleeps with a mattock in his bed

You sleep

Favourite foetus

So. I expect to get what I give. Reply stupid

Luton. I wish I could spend one more penniless day on the beach with you and see you slowly turn more North African

You’re lucky it says pending

archive +3.8

I just got them. Read them out to shame you.

Terra cotta still rockin’?

If your asthma is bad ask her to be sent to Lisbon

Here is something that will cheer you up then: my friend fancies you. He asked to be your friend on myspace

Basically one night we met a lesbian in a suit and an offensively plunging neckline and she was being pimped by some gross skinny Italian man who you could just tell was a child molester. Apparently I spent a good half of the night grinding with her

I will borrow some money. Such a nice day. We found some bones. He came over with his beautiful smile. No kisses yet

What happened that led to your hospital fun?

They kissed four times on Saturday

How would you describe my hands?

So yeah how are you because I really miss you and can’t wait until we are together because I want to breathe with you and stuff like that

Sunday. Find a beach. We are leaving for the site tonight. I have your boots. And Jackie Collins

archive +3.7

I was faintly hoping you would be my date. Maybe one day. I’m jealous of your adventure. I will be living with a Tongan family in a few days

I’m the only one left fucked and on crazy pills. It is too great

Your hair looked fine

Lightning strikes accursed Lemington spa. My train is cancelled

Yeah girlfriend

Sadly it’s not working. And it had such a nice accompanying message. Never mind

I was just thinking about you, and when you ate candle wax.
You up?

I just wanted to wish you the fondest of goodbyes

I hate goodbyes. I’m now going for a shower. Consider keeping it textual

archive +3.6

Just checking you were keen

I will buy you one as a pet

I had three boiled eggs for breakfast and I’m really happy about it

Ryde

I have been researching. Ortolans are related to garden warblers, as the derivation from hortulanus would suggest

Up up and away

Oh right. Then I’m quite envious of your midnight meanderings

I think I will take your recommendation and go for a wander

It’s cold and raining in this country. Please bring some sunshine

I didn’t realise you were leaving

archive +3.5

No response, no goodbye. Maybe I’m old fashioned but I think it’s harsh. I wasn’t purposefully causing a rift, but like you there are things that worry and upset me that seem too irrational to others. Now this will go unresolved probably forever and all I ever wanted was some indication that you cared, which you don’t seem to. It’s so sad to lose a friend just because he cared enough to get upset and angry over not seeing you. Anyway, I promise this message hasn’t been sent with any other agenda

I was actually asked what a-levels I had taken this evening. I couldn’t but laugh

And there is nothing you can do about it

He’s my friend now and we are ticking away nicely without you. There will be more watches

I just remembered I dreamt about you all last night and we had a huge fight and it really upset me. Also that boy text me

I sell shoes. For a living. At size. Oh god

Fresh kicks and heavy threads all round

I really really want to hear the whole story

Don’t worry. I would probably forgive you the theft of my first-born

Mobiles and books allowed

Boarding, no Muslims

I’m at the bus station. By myself. Taking a bus to a strange town. And everyone is starring at me

archive +3.4

I’m fully aware of every failing in me you’ve just listed but I've never sought the upper hand. I readily accept my shortcomings and I do always give my friends priority over my ego, despite what you think. Before you send me another patronising message remember all I wanted was to see you and whilst as you say I've sometimes in the past ignored you it was in jest and whenever I felt there was something truly upsetting you, I would give my utmost to relieve it. Never ignore or neglect

Some bits and pieces, but I’m sure I could squeeze into you

Sorry baby

He is here honey. But I haven’t spoken to him. He looks normal call if possible you’re always off

Call ASAP

Stay calm. Nothing disturb thee, nothing dismay, all things pass, god never changes

freddo, frais

At a party in Camberwell

I’m enjoying texting you

No. So good. How does it feel?

When

One about drugs that starts after 8

Sources confirm your new head is steaming

Sounds horrendous. See you then

archive +3.3

Speechless

My god

Steel everything you find. fight the power

You may have been living primitively but I have devolved, slapping her at the dinner table because she insisted Hitler was an evil twisted man

You in glamorous Reading yet?

What’s the name of your rabbit? Debate going on about toys

I’m cancelling my contract and won’t have e-mail access. Ill let you know if I get a special Tongan wind up computer

Got a good grip of trowerls? Planning only needs to be good enough for government work. I bought a bivy bag on e bay so I can sleep under the stars on cliffs in Cornwall

People people always people in your pictures. I wonder if its because you’re from the city of London

22nd of ague

Are you bored of digging? I almost bought you a neon orange-fringed ‘product of Greece’

She is the bain of our lives. I’m on my way to manumission, I bet she hasn’t done that this summer. What’s she saying to him?

Absolutely. I’ve got a strap on cock

I’m taking your handsome brother to the seaside on Sunday and I’m going to scare him shitless at 110mph

So, you will cuddle a dangerously hot piece of plumbing but not me.

I wonder if we have had 20minutes of peace since we met

I was in hackney whilst you were in hackney witnessing a coke binge

I’m a bit bored and apparently I don’t have many friends so I’m watching a musical called sweet charity. People keep saying I’m being weird too but I don’t believe them

I think I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for being so ugly to you since Christmas

Saw your brother the other night and he told me you weren’t too keen on the portiloos

Sounds like myspace chat. You should have know space

archive +3.2

You seem totally indifferent to my offers and interests so I’ll leave you be. Have a good summer whatever you’re doing, wherever you go

Just say goodbye and I will see you next year

Because I’m hurt. Because when I invite you out you respond with flippant crap and because the week of, what I thought was your departure, has passed silently

You probably think I’m a wining, self pitying idiot. I’m working late again today

You know I can’t feed myself

Lock me off. Supper friendly

Call, cunt

I’m so fucking bored I want to cry

Oh god

He can be annoying. I’m in Victoria having a coffee, getting stalked by polish drug dealers

No. I’m asking you questions and now only have 27p credit

archive +3.1

Just too predictable

I have recently diagnosed myself pregnosexual. I exclusively have intercourse with pregnant men and women

Pregnant not fat. No fatties. Fatties fuck off. Fuck off fatties

Please erase the ‘shit’ from the previous comment. That was unnecessary swearing

I murdered someone in saint Tropez hey hey hey

So I’m pretty in the black cap. Wow, these legs

Well, not quite I am at my bus stop trying to force myself out. It’s raining a lot

I have a splitting headache and I stink of foreigners. Oh god I just remembered that man on pills

Is it too late for me to ring your house?

It wasn’t you I wanted to speak to you

archive +3.0

2am.come down because you didn’t come down last night. Fat Sam will be there

The young and lost

The boat doesn’t leave the mooring but I might not stay late because the Ludes are playing and I’m still avoiding certain peoples.

This is a whim

Don’t do drugs, do charity work, do exercise. Do help old people across the roads, do become the leader of a local scout group, do start a neighbourhood watch campaign, do get involved in Sunday school, do be a face in a local watering hole. The bar man knows your tipel-shandy for andy, only one as you head home early to write for your local newspaper about the environment. Do change your name to Andy, carefully pull the two layers of toilet roll apart so that you double the length of each roll. Budget precisely. Everybody has to be versatile

Is it voyeurism to read other peoples texts?

They were to you. This is a whim and the last one was. The long one to him was to him. But. it was whim that I sent it to you. I thought it was a good text. And. I know you appreciate good texts. And voyerism. I’m not sure I like these short sharp sentences with full stops. It reminds me of a serial killer. You’re a serial thriller

Dying and cycling in the middle of nowhere

I’m having a drink with her having been banned from my house. Join if you want

Under the blue man group in Drury lane. come come, I want to hear about him from last night

I think you wanted my dads number. Do you mind me asking who this is?

I got some real estate here in my hand. So I bought a pack of cigarettes

archive +2.9

I had a nice time. I think ‘nice’ is a good word despite what people say. Sometimes it’s the best thing to hope for, just like ‘content’. And the brownies. They’re a dream, but I did the sweating

On the corner

Madam its in my great disappointment that I am otherwise engaged and forthwith hereafter I shall look forward to our swiftly and imminent meeting. sorry my texts are a bit formal. I don’t abbreviate

There are many reasons why; you’re funny, don’t mind the piss taken, you’re different and weird, you’re up for late night wanders and you still give me butterflies. I’m going for a swim

I’m going to Hampstead heath for the scorcher. I’ve got a hot date you see

Not the uncle. That’s for sure

You are on the list. I pulled some strings

Its over. I’m being paid to take it down

There is a very laissez faire attitude to work attendance here

Call me Sunday afternoon and perhaps we could roller disco.

I didn’t have enough lady pictures so I had to send you to the magazine, also I tried coke zero and it does retain the great taste

I was lying I’m not going anywhere. Didn’t. You. Listen. To. The. Whole. Voicemale? Typical

archive +2.8

I’m always a fan of hers. I will call her tomorrow. Tell her I love her

Seeing as most people I’m going to be dealing with are diabetic, they probably wont have great toes

Coaching

I’m back. Grafting. Labouring. Mans work.

When are you coming to this side of town

I might not sit around and wait you know

Awesome

No. They already have my aristocratic looking hands helping them. Carrying plasterboards. Come to Camberwell before Friday for pub or tea

Your choice to leave. I hope that wasn’t your bus

I bet you’re exaggerating

I had a chat with your friend at Brockwell lido today

Maybe

Of course you wouldn’t be

Well I've got the wagon

Suit yourself

I think I’m the judge of that. See you soon

archive +2.7

Sorry

Sorry I didn’t feel comfortable answering that question

Yeah, I thought about it but id rather not

Feel free to come up with another

I’m proud to be generous and sincere, but I wish I was less prone to insensitive comments and cleverer

Talk about leaving me out on a limb. Pretty harsh

I will be there

I got stuff to throw away. Is there anything you want? Lights. Desk. Books. Cushions. Ornaments

Texting in a car park or writing one word at every traffic light? He lives really near Paddington

Just remember agent orange. Chinese jacket in the wardrobe. Oh and dien bien phu

Cruising Streatham common for loving

Ok now its in capitals. IS EVERYTHING OK?

I’m going to pass tonight but save me one

Home wrecker

archive +2.6

If you find yourself lonesome and curious later, concoct a question for me

Ordering a mosquito net, writing an e mail and watching the simpsons

Pure envy. Make the most of your time with the rouge

Look it up in your Portuguese dictionary

I have such beautiful photos of you. How you don’t perspire I don’t know

Imagine this-the Internet broke the day after I got home and hasn’t been fixed yet

I’m having a bbq tomorrow and you should come unless your fake tanning yourself or modeling

Solution-tomorrow

I don’t normally do daytime meetings but i'll consider it

The play finishes at four in the morning

Who to?