archive +3.7

I was faintly hoping you would be my date. Maybe one day. I’m jealous of your adventure. I will be living with a Tongan family in a few days

I’m the only one left fucked and on crazy pills. It is too great

Your hair looked fine

Lightning strikes accursed Lemington spa. My train is cancelled

Yeah girlfriend

Sadly it’s not working. And it had such a nice accompanying message. Never mind

I was just thinking about you, and when you ate candle wax.
You up?

I just wanted to wish you the fondest of goodbyes

I hate goodbyes. I’m now going for a shower. Consider keeping it textual

archive +3.6

Just checking you were keen

I will buy you one as a pet

I had three boiled eggs for breakfast and I’m really happy about it

Ryde

I have been researching. Ortolans are related to garden warblers, as the derivation from hortulanus would suggest

Up up and away

Oh right. Then I’m quite envious of your midnight meanderings

I think I will take your recommendation and go for a wander

It’s cold and raining in this country. Please bring some sunshine

I didn’t realise you were leaving

archive +3.5

No response, no goodbye. Maybe I’m old fashioned but I think it’s harsh. I wasn’t purposefully causing a rift, but like you there are things that worry and upset me that seem too irrational to others. Now this will go unresolved probably forever and all I ever wanted was some indication that you cared, which you don’t seem to. It’s so sad to lose a friend just because he cared enough to get upset and angry over not seeing you. Anyway, I promise this message hasn’t been sent with any other agenda

I was actually asked what a-levels I had taken this evening. I couldn’t but laugh

And there is nothing you can do about it

He’s my friend now and we are ticking away nicely without you. There will be more watches

I just remembered I dreamt about you all last night and we had a huge fight and it really upset me. Also that boy text me

I sell shoes. For a living. At size. Oh god

Fresh kicks and heavy threads all round

I really really want to hear the whole story

Don’t worry. I would probably forgive you the theft of my first-born

Mobiles and books allowed

Boarding, no Muslims

I’m at the bus station. By myself. Taking a bus to a strange town. And everyone is starring at me

archive +3.4

I’m fully aware of every failing in me you’ve just listed but I've never sought the upper hand. I readily accept my shortcomings and I do always give my friends priority over my ego, despite what you think. Before you send me another patronising message remember all I wanted was to see you and whilst as you say I've sometimes in the past ignored you it was in jest and whenever I felt there was something truly upsetting you, I would give my utmost to relieve it. Never ignore or neglect

Some bits and pieces, but I’m sure I could squeeze into you

Sorry baby

He is here honey. But I haven’t spoken to him. He looks normal call if possible you’re always off

Call ASAP

Stay calm. Nothing disturb thee, nothing dismay, all things pass, god never changes

freddo, frais

At a party in Camberwell

I’m enjoying texting you

No. So good. How does it feel?

When

One about drugs that starts after 8

Sources confirm your new head is steaming

Sounds horrendous. See you then

archive +3.3

Speechless

My god

Steel everything you find. fight the power

You may have been living primitively but I have devolved, slapping her at the dinner table because she insisted Hitler was an evil twisted man

You in glamorous Reading yet?

What’s the name of your rabbit? Debate going on about toys

I’m cancelling my contract and won’t have e-mail access. Ill let you know if I get a special Tongan wind up computer

Got a good grip of trowerls? Planning only needs to be good enough for government work. I bought a bivy bag on e bay so I can sleep under the stars on cliffs in Cornwall

People people always people in your pictures. I wonder if its because you’re from the city of London

22nd of ague

Are you bored of digging? I almost bought you a neon orange-fringed ‘product of Greece’

She is the bain of our lives. I’m on my way to manumission, I bet she hasn’t done that this summer. What’s she saying to him?

Absolutely. I’ve got a strap on cock

I’m taking your handsome brother to the seaside on Sunday and I’m going to scare him shitless at 110mph

So, you will cuddle a dangerously hot piece of plumbing but not me.

I wonder if we have had 20minutes of peace since we met

I was in hackney whilst you were in hackney witnessing a coke binge

I’m a bit bored and apparently I don’t have many friends so I’m watching a musical called sweet charity. People keep saying I’m being weird too but I don’t believe them

I think I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for being so ugly to you since Christmas

Saw your brother the other night and he told me you weren’t too keen on the portiloos

Sounds like myspace chat. You should have know space

archive +3.2

You seem totally indifferent to my offers and interests so I’ll leave you be. Have a good summer whatever you’re doing, wherever you go

Just say goodbye and I will see you next year

Because I’m hurt. Because when I invite you out you respond with flippant crap and because the week of, what I thought was your departure, has passed silently

You probably think I’m a wining, self pitying idiot. I’m working late again today

You know I can’t feed myself

Lock me off. Supper friendly

Call, cunt

I’m so fucking bored I want to cry

Oh god

He can be annoying. I’m in Victoria having a coffee, getting stalked by polish drug dealers

No. I’m asking you questions and now only have 27p credit

archive +3.1

Just too predictable

I have recently diagnosed myself pregnosexual. I exclusively have intercourse with pregnant men and women

Pregnant not fat. No fatties. Fatties fuck off. Fuck off fatties

Please erase the ‘shit’ from the previous comment. That was unnecessary swearing

I murdered someone in saint Tropez hey hey hey

So I’m pretty in the black cap. Wow, these legs

Well, not quite I am at my bus stop trying to force myself out. It’s raining a lot

I have a splitting headache and I stink of foreigners. Oh god I just remembered that man on pills

Is it too late for me to ring your house?

It wasn’t you I wanted to speak to you

archive +3.0

2am.come down because you didn’t come down last night. Fat Sam will be there

The young and lost

The boat doesn’t leave the mooring but I might not stay late because the Ludes are playing and I’m still avoiding certain peoples.

This is a whim

Don’t do drugs, do charity work, do exercise. Do help old people across the roads, do become the leader of a local scout group, do start a neighbourhood watch campaign, do get involved in Sunday school, do be a face in a local watering hole. The bar man knows your tipel-shandy for andy, only one as you head home early to write for your local newspaper about the environment. Do change your name to Andy, carefully pull the two layers of toilet roll apart so that you double the length of each roll. Budget precisely. Everybody has to be versatile

Is it voyeurism to read other peoples texts?

They were to you. This is a whim and the last one was. The long one to him was to him. But. it was whim that I sent it to you. I thought it was a good text. And. I know you appreciate good texts. And voyerism. I’m not sure I like these short sharp sentences with full stops. It reminds me of a serial killer. You’re a serial thriller

Dying and cycling in the middle of nowhere

I’m having a drink with her having been banned from my house. Join if you want

Under the blue man group in Drury lane. come come, I want to hear about him from last night

I think you wanted my dads number. Do you mind me asking who this is?

I got some real estate here in my hand. So I bought a pack of cigarettes

archive +2.9

I had a nice time. I think ‘nice’ is a good word despite what people say. Sometimes it’s the best thing to hope for, just like ‘content’. And the brownies. They’re a dream, but I did the sweating

On the corner

Madam its in my great disappointment that I am otherwise engaged and forthwith hereafter I shall look forward to our swiftly and imminent meeting. sorry my texts are a bit formal. I don’t abbreviate

There are many reasons why; you’re funny, don’t mind the piss taken, you’re different and weird, you’re up for late night wanders and you still give me butterflies. I’m going for a swim

I’m going to Hampstead heath for the scorcher. I’ve got a hot date you see

Not the uncle. That’s for sure

You are on the list. I pulled some strings

Its over. I’m being paid to take it down

There is a very laissez faire attitude to work attendance here

Call me Sunday afternoon and perhaps we could roller disco.

I didn’t have enough lady pictures so I had to send you to the magazine, also I tried coke zero and it does retain the great taste

I was lying I’m not going anywhere. Didn’t. You. Listen. To. The. Whole. Voicemale? Typical

archive +2.8

I’m always a fan of hers. I will call her tomorrow. Tell her I love her

Seeing as most people I’m going to be dealing with are diabetic, they probably wont have great toes

Coaching

I’m back. Grafting. Labouring. Mans work.

When are you coming to this side of town

I might not sit around and wait you know

Awesome

No. They already have my aristocratic looking hands helping them. Carrying plasterboards. Come to Camberwell before Friday for pub or tea

Your choice to leave. I hope that wasn’t your bus

I bet you’re exaggerating

I had a chat with your friend at Brockwell lido today

Maybe

Of course you wouldn’t be

Well I've got the wagon

Suit yourself

I think I’m the judge of that. See you soon

archive +2.7

Sorry

Sorry I didn’t feel comfortable answering that question

Yeah, I thought about it but id rather not

Feel free to come up with another

I’m proud to be generous and sincere, but I wish I was less prone to insensitive comments and cleverer

Talk about leaving me out on a limb. Pretty harsh

I will be there

I got stuff to throw away. Is there anything you want? Lights. Desk. Books. Cushions. Ornaments

Texting in a car park or writing one word at every traffic light? He lives really near Paddington

Just remember agent orange. Chinese jacket in the wardrobe. Oh and dien bien phu

Cruising Streatham common for loving

Ok now its in capitals. IS EVERYTHING OK?

I’m going to pass tonight but save me one

Home wrecker

archive +2.6

If you find yourself lonesome and curious later, concoct a question for me

Ordering a mosquito net, writing an e mail and watching the simpsons

Pure envy. Make the most of your time with the rouge

Look it up in your Portuguese dictionary

I have such beautiful photos of you. How you don’t perspire I don’t know

Imagine this-the Internet broke the day after I got home and hasn’t been fixed yet

I’m having a bbq tomorrow and you should come unless your fake tanning yourself or modeling

Solution-tomorrow

I don’t normally do daytime meetings but i'll consider it

The play finishes at four in the morning

Who to?

archive +2.5

I had the perfect time with your rapist boots

Updates

This is your crotch?

Give it time. Not over for a while. Dead never

White. Never happens. It was the right thing to do. No regrets

Wait longer. As its just plain rude if he doesn’t. Common decency. Gosh. I just don’t get it. He will respond

And. If he don’t. Then he isn’t the golden boy. Because he has no manners. And is unkind. We will see

Getting injected. How about you?

I will let you know if I find any excitements after my jabs but the chances are I will be puking up my guts for the next three days

I just had six inoculations and the nurse made me wait in the surgery in case I went into shock and she had to restart my heart

I’m sitting in the park wearing nothing but a pair of obscenely tight boxers with avocado skins all around me and reading diabetes for dummies. That’s a pretty shocking image

Always

Starving in forest hill…worlds apart

archive +2.4

I would not mind in the slightest

I’m looking out of the window and the sky is so beautiful and the black trees and I haven’t had a cigarette for two weeks but I want one

Because I only leave my house on Mondays and my mum would cut my fingers off

No, I just thought I would say…I cant really face being friends with her though. She didn’t do anything wrong or anything but I don’t really want another constant reminder of how shit I am around me. I already have a few. I will call her in a couple of months and maybe things will be different. My mum has had an operation so I’m looking after her

I’ve dreamt of this message but sadly cant

You’ve got to give me a little more to work with

Fine. Excellent

Perhaps you didn’t hear my last comment as you slammed the red button but you can get me on my mobile

Unanimous cringe. Je sais, je sais

I processed the pictures and they look ridiculous. I used very evil lighting. I am not going to put them in the magazine. I do love them though

archive+2.3

I like to keep you guessing.

Those lovely bowls I broke, where were they from?

I’m surrounded with enemies in forest hill. My happiness is waning

Ever feel total despair/confusion/resentment over our relationship?

Yes, I struggle with it

Neither am I annoyed nor do I have a therapist. Sorry to disappoint

Whilst football brings me far more satisfaction than the average woman, I think ill have to plump for the ladies. Just so I can live up to your Impression of me

I suspect both have been done since the dawn of man and I’m not one for suppressing natural urges. Besides I wanked four times today (five soon) and played air guitar. What’s your favourite meat?

Shitting fuck I’m bored

Don’t go there. There are bombers. And they are trigger happy. They love to blow you up

No worries

I’m intrigued as to why your teeth are aching

archive +2.2

Well my kitchen smells of poo

Are you available to go to a show at the national tonight?

Don’t come to Taunton, a charter flight to hell would be more fun.

Maybe you’re in Wales drinking the finest wines available. I’ve been trying to call you but your phone has been on the brink of extinction. Apparently animals on the brink taste better than animals that weren’t

Come to Brockwelll lido

Once you go black you never go back

I want to see you. Thank you

Falling down stairs? You’re becoming unbalanced. Check your ears because I found a piece of black wax the size of a crayon in mine. I thought I was pulling my eardrum out. Oh, and the hot dog, that’s something else

I’m being paid 8 pounds an hour to put it up. I’m a cowboy builder. Incompetent

It was the most amusing evening-don’t show this to the black man beside you

I had a dream the night before last that I was so ugly, the NHS was paying for my surgery. Might raise that with my therapist-he gets bored of speaking about you

archive +2.1

Oh now, for gods sake

Lets go to Camden together and frown at each others' misdeeds

This shits fucked up, it’s far too late to be dealing with such things

I’ll let you know when I am, for no particular reason

You and your escapades. There is a big bonfire in my garden with lots of hippies singing. Earlier we had reggae and morris dancing. You wonder why I sometimes despair of this place

I’m eating toast now

No

I just heard you mate on radio1

I’ve got a date on Saturday with someone called Gareth

The usual-gin.

Hold fast to good inclinations

My answer phone message is wonderful. I’ve called myself five times today

archive +2.0

Stop milking my affection

Why don’t you sleep on it? I have my reservations about late night texts

Well that will teach you to text when you’re drunk. Wear those glasses, no one will question a thing

It’s a good word. We should, weather permitting, spend the afternoon in the park tomorrow

Then don’t leave until he is laughing. It’s unfair

I hope you’ve escaped with some dignity

Fuck that shit. We’re funny as fuck. As fuck

Thanks for coming. I’m glad you still like me

I am

archive +1.9

My room is full off stuffstuffstuff everywhere. Rainforests of paper and menageries of things that I’m not sure I want to keep but don’t deserve the bin

I can’t give you that. Ill get a section four restraining order if I have to. Stay away from my children. Your sort make me sick

In fact I demand a more thorough analysis of your emotions. I’m going to keep you guessing about my availability because I like to tease

No I wasn’t and now you’re just being nasty so I don’t want to tell you

I don’t want any association with myspace. I will tell you once you remove it

I think I hate you, I feel abused. How could you do it to me? I thought we were fond acquaintances

Why the frustration?

Why wont you tell me?

Looking forward to it

You’ve threatened it so many times its lost all meaning

archive +1.8

I thought I may stay home safe from rain and learn Elizabethan sonnets by heart

What are you doing?

Why don’t you just pick up your fucking phone instead of forcing me to send you these fucking messages.

Here

Going

Thank god

I’m there and can’t find anyone else fun

I’m a boy

I’ve never had any complaints

Reading about sewage and shopping for beds

More annoying things that I want you to do with me…